Heyo Dracula, happy review day! I don't know if I can call this a review or not because your piece doesn't have that much for me to pick. Nonetheless, I will go ahead.
I don't know if the tone, or style of this piece is intentional, I'm going to pretend that it isn't. It takes on a very flat, mechanical tone that despite the message itself doesn't hook me in as a reader. Reason being, there isn't much emotion invested in this. It's just plain-old story-telling, description adds a lot to your story, mood, characters, setting so I'd seriously consider it. Speaking of description, a lot of the descriptions you have here are (no offence) rather generalized.
Take a look at the first paragraph.
.....Her coat was as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane shone as if it was made of a thousand shimmering stars lighting the night.
White as the cleanest snow just doesn't quite flow, I’d say white as the purest snow or a shade of snow that hasn’t been contaminated by any other colour might be more with what you want. The thousand shimmering stars in the night, that’s used a lot as well. Go for something more unique; come up with your own metaphor. And beauty isn’t just superficial, it has a lot to do with someone’s internal beauty as well. Just giving you something to chew on.
The ending itself is good, it's a great message though I feel that there just isn't much apart from the ending. I don't see much character interaction or any interaction at all, they meet up, the unicorn is mournful. The fairy makes her daughter into a star and the end. I know I'm summing it up terribly, bu that's essentially what it is to me. I can't connect to any of your characters due to that lack of intimate thoughts and emotion. There's a lot of unanswered questions too, why is the foal sick? Why can't she be cured? Why was it written in the stars?
I feel that there isn't enough background to support this story, it comes across as somewhat loose and choppy. So, that's just something to think about. It's only my opinion, remember that. If you've got questions, feel free to ask me.
-Flite
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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