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Monoceros (Edited)

by Dracula

The story began when the queen of the fairy realm visited her friend, a unicorn of unimaginable beauty. Her coat was as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane shone as if it was made of a thousand shimmering stars lighting the night.

On that particular visit, though, the unicorn did not look beautiful. She looked very sad and very ill. Her coat had become a dull grey and her mane was full of green moss and dirt. The unicorn laid on the ground, staring at a pile of leaves.

"What is wrong, my dearest friend?" the fairy queen asked. Her bright pink wings fluttered in the soft breeze and her golden hair fell off her shoulder as she tilted her head in worry.

The unicorn sighed deeply and replied, "My daughter, Monoceros, is dying and there is not a thing which may be done."

The fairy queen followed the unicorn's gaze and saw a young foal. She was the spitting image of her mother in every way, except she looked very sick. The foal's coat had used to be as white as the cleanest snow and her mane had once shone as if it was made of a thousand stars. Now the young filly's coat had become a dull grey and her mane was full of moss and dirt. Her muzzle was covered in red rashes and flies were pestering her.

"Are you sure that my wand would be of no use? I could try to cure your daughter." The fairy queen pulled out her magical wand.

The mother unicorn shook her mane, dirt flying onto the queen's dress, "Nay, I wish it was possible, but everything has already been tried. Her death is written in the stars."

Seeing that her friend was overcome by tremendous grief, the fairy queen decided that she would have to do something. Her frown turned into a smile as an idea came to her mind. 

"My dearest friend, what if your foal lived forever watching over us. Would that make you happy again?" the fairy queen asked.

"Yes, of course! But how?" The mare hung her head low. "She is already dying."

The fairy queen smiled and shook her head, "She shall live forever amongst the stars. Shall I make it so?"

The unicorn mother considered for a moment, then neighed in delightful agreement. The fairy queen waved her wand thrice. Glittery swirls of light flew from the wand in the direction of the poorly foal.

The unicorn watched in bewilderment as the magic did its job. The foal turned into the colour of the ocean and earth around it in all directions. The young, dying foal became surrounded by a thousand stars and slowly floated up into the night sky. Her tears of happiness were illuminated by the shining Monoceros.

"You have done a truly wonderful thing," the unicorn rejoiced. She watched the sight of her child joining the glistening bodies in the sky where she would live until the end of time.

Every evening, when the stars shine bright, Monoceros' mother looks out into the universe. She sees her beautiful unicorn foal, forever preserved in the night sky. Her coat as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane truly made out of a thousand shimmering stars.

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475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Sun Feb 22, 2015 10:32 am
Apricity wrote a review...

Heyo Dracula, happy review day! I don't know if I can call this a review or not because your piece doesn't have that much for me to pick. Nonetheless, I will go ahead.

I don't know if the tone, or style of this piece is intentional, I'm going to pretend that it isn't. It takes on a very flat, mechanical tone that despite the message itself doesn't hook me in as a reader. Reason being, there isn't much emotion invested in this. It's just plain-old story-telling, description adds a lot to your story, mood, characters, setting so I'd seriously consider it. Speaking of description, a lot of the descriptions you have here are (no offence) rather generalized.

Take a look at the first paragraph.

.....Her coat was as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane shone as if it was made of a thousand shimmering stars lighting the night.

White as the cleanest snow just doesn't quite flow, I’d say white as the purest snow or a shade of snow that hasn’t been contaminated by any other colour might be more with what you want. The thousand shimmering stars in the night, that’s used a lot as well. Go for something more unique; come up with your own metaphor. And beauty isn’t just superficial, it has a lot to do with someone’s internal beauty as well. Just giving you something to chew on.

The ending itself is good, it's a great message though I feel that there just isn't much apart from the ending. I don't see much character interaction or any interaction at all, they meet up, the unicorn is mournful. The fairy makes her daughter into a star and the end. I know I'm summing it up terribly, bu that's essentially what it is to me. I can't connect to any of your characters due to that lack of intimate thoughts and emotion. There's a lot of unanswered questions too, why is the foal sick? Why can't she be cured? Why was it written in the stars?

I feel that there isn't enough background to support this story, it comes across as somewhat loose and choppy. So, that's just something to think about. It's only my opinion, remember that. If you've got questions, feel free to ask me.


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79 Reviews

Points: 3665
Reviews: 79

Sun Feb 22, 2015 3:29 am
XPresidentTurtlesX wrote a review...

This is really short, but even so, it's really beautifully written. I do agree with KatyaElefant in what she says about imagery. This is a complete fantasy style piece, and I feel like you could definitely apply loads of imagery to it. For example, maybe something about the fairy queen's hair or facial expressions, or the color of her outfit.
I also agree with EscaSkye in the fact this should be a bittersweet ending. The foal is, technically, dead, though she is in a better place and quite beautiful.
I think there should be more detail as in where the fairy queen comes from. All it tells us is a "fairy realm," so all we really can assume is that it's just another world filled with fairies. Maybe you could write another short story explaining that?
In all, this really was lovely. I'm sorry I basically just repeated some things, but I strongly agree with what's already been said. If you write any other pieces like this, please tell me, I'd love to read them!
~Prez. T

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240 Reviews

Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Sun Feb 22, 2015 1:32 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...

Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! I'm so happy to finally be reviewing some works. You are my second review since half a year! Let us begin!

I feel like there should be more imagery because this seems like one of those fairy tales in which the little kids would be circled around you and asking questions. I just can imagine those tiny children yelling at the reader, asking if the fairy sparkled or where they were.I really wish that the fairy had a name. I know this leads a sort of mysterious aurora around the fairy but if the fairy had a really good name, that would make it that much better.

Also for this phrase, "Seeing that her friend was overcome by tremendous grief, the fairy queen decided that she would have to do something. An idea came to her mind."
I really don't like the transition for the first sentence to the next. It really just bothers me. If you could find a way to transition for phrase to phrase that would make this whole short story very smooth.

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS! I love fairy tales and this story just touched my heart(I almost typed hair >,<). In the few minutes that I was reading this, my heart was already weeping. I love the imagery with the unicorns and such. I love the name monoceros because mono means singular(horn) and ceros is like a rhinoceros. I love that name. Genius! You need to keep writing fairy tales so that I can read them and adore them because they are truly the best. Great job! Happy Review Day! Keep calm(clam) and keep writing(righting)!

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83 Reviews

Points: 6057
Reviews: 83

Sat Feb 21, 2015 10:29 pm
EscaSkye says...

Heya, Dracula. This won't be a review since I have nothing much to say, as I think this story is pretty polished already, but there is one thing that's bothering me.

Early on in this piece, the mother unicorn was sad that Monoceros was going to die; so when the fairy queen even preserved her daughter by way of making her a constellation, I can't feel as if there's something off by her sudden delight. I would have thought there'd be a bittersweet feeling to it, after all, her daughter's going to be immortal in a sense, but they won't have anymore time together as unicorn and foal. Well, just my two cents.

Overall though, this is good. Keep writing.

EscaSkye ;)

You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda