Published September 18, 2011
The rain pours,
pretty girls in pretty dresses prance around the square.
Guys in suits, looking awkwardly uncomfortable,
and then there's you.
Only you would wear a blue polka dot waist coat.
The same blue as that blue in her dress.
Her beautiful dress, that stunning face.
What I wouldn't give to be in her place,
To be by your side.
Your number one girl.
My mind flash backs, to late night chats,
staying up all night talking the biggest load of crap.
You knew my through, left, right and centre.
You knew my weakness, like nobody else.
Remember that day,
We sat all day on the floor of the basketball hall?
I felt so proud that day to be by our side.
To be your best friend.
That's all I ever wanted,
all I ever needed.
I don't think you got that?
How much I cared.
Your mom looked at us that day.
Said I looked up to you with such awe,
no one ever noticed before.
Just how much I looked up to you.
You seemed so much wiser, so much older.
Only a few months apart
but darling you were miles ahead.
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great poem, one thing that bothered me was the last bit there.
"You seemed so much wiser, so much older.
Only a few months apart
but darling you were miles ahead."
You want your last line to end with a BAM!
which you tried to do, but you kind of lame it (lack of better word) with the two lines before it. because the darling part is cute, but you pretty much already said that in "You seemed so much wiser, so much older." So, I say you just get rid of the wiser older line! wow I am horrible at explaining. . . anyways great poem! no need to take my advice, just thought I'd put that out there!
-Little Lion Woman
great poem, one thing that bothered me was the last bit there.
"You seemed so much wiser, so much older.
Only a few months apart
but darling you were miles ahead."
You want your last line to end with a BAM!
which you tried to do, but you kind of lame it (lack of better word) with the two lines before it. because the darling part is cute, but you pretty much already said that in "You seemed so much wiser, so much older." So, I say you just get rid of the wiser older line! wow I am horrible at explaining. . . anyways great poem! no need to take my advice, just thought I'd put that out there!
-Little Lion Woman
Hi there, I'll be your reviewer today. I honestly have to admit that non-rhyming poems strike me like a giant flyswater in the face, because I normally find them horribly written with the way some things are done. Yours, however, is actually very... now I need a word good enough to explain, if I can find one so give me a second... unique and inspiring. I suppose those two words are the ones that fit best to what I am trying to say.
I liked this poem very much, the whole looking up to you kind of thing was not overdone so it has it's uniqueness, but I would definitely suggest to break these lines up into the "four stanza break" or atleast that's what I like to call it.
One line
Two line
Three line
Four line.
One line.
Two line
ect.
ect.
You get the picture, I hope. It's because your ending stanza was way too long, and it should be changed. I'm also wondering why your poem goes and starts with a three worded beginning but then just gets longer and longer, if you wanted something like that I'd advise shortening your other lines because it seems a tad odd in my opinion but others can definitely disagree.
Overall, it's a good poem but it needs some work -
~Write on,
-- writteninstone.