Published May 18, 2010
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To me, parts of this don't really feel that lyric. But I do understand that some people read things differently. There were several slightly awkward lines. I'll show you a couple:
This might be read better if you had written it like this:
I need you to come back
So I can feel your arms around me,
And make me forget
That you ever went to the army.
Page breaks can make all the difference in how a poem feels. It breaks up the pieces of the sentences so that they have more rythem when someone reads them.
Another thing is that with the last bit you may consider changing it from
That you ever went to the army.
to
That you were ever in the army.
Just a though. I really hope this help! You've got a great piece going, it just needs some touching up! =)
Hello, and welcome to YWS. You may want to get around to reviewing other users' works. This will get you more reviews and the points you need to post more of your writing.
As ireylcadence already mentioned, this poem doesn't flow as well as it could. The rhyme also doesn't work as well because the line lengths aren't even. For example, the first two lines "'I'm coming back' you said but didn't know when, / 'I will leave you now but never again'" could be rewritten as "'I'm coming back, though I don't know when. / I leave you now, but never again." This is just an example, though; it flows better, but some of the original feeling is lost. Play around and see if you can find a nice balance between what you want to say and what sounds best.
Basically, the one thing you need to keep in mind is that there is more to rhyme than just having the words at the ends of two lines sound the same; without a consistent rhythm, rhyme falls apart, and your poem lacks that consistent rhythm.
Another thing you need to be more careful with is punctuation. Poetry is generally punctuated the same as prose, and punctuation contributes a lot to a poem's form. The punctuation in this poem is not the best. A good way to check that your poem is properly punctuated is to write it out in prose form. If it's still perfectly readable and grammatically correct, you're fine; if not, then you can fix it before putting it back into poem form.
Welcome to YWS.
The poem needs some work in terms of flow. It tends to get a bit too wordy. For example:
The first line there has way too many syllables compared to the second line. Try reading it out loud.
This time, the second line has too many beats in comparison. Also, try not to rhyme "goodnight" with "tonight".
Rhyming a bit forced.
I do, however, like the overall tone and message of the poem. It's just the technicalities that you've got to work on.