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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I'm not really a good editor, or really even a poet, but that was good. I liked it!
I just want to say thank you for all the comments, I never thought anyone would ever read or even like what I wrote. This poem was very hard for me to write, because I’m not a native English speaker. I have tried writing in Danish but somehow I like it better in English.
All the comments have helped me a lot so thank you!
So I would just like to point out here that this is a very common subject to write on. And, no offence, but your poem, the phrases you used were very common. I thought it was beautiful, don't get me wrong, but what would you do if this happened to you? (I'm not saying that it didn't) but what would you be feeling? Would hot tears be running down your cheeks? Would you go and inform his other 'victim?'
Like this right here, how many times have you heard that before?
I love this.
This gives me the allusion of Santa. You should describe what they look like. What does he look like? Is he beautiful, or ordinary? Something you can throw away?
You're a poet. Use it!
~Classy
Hey there!
I think that, in this poem, you've told us everything rather than shown us everything. One example would be:
Now, technically the second line is redundant; the point of something being an illusion is that it isn't real, so surely you don't need the second line? And, it might be better if instead of just telling the reader it's an illusion, why not show it through the use of poetic devices? This goes for your entire poem.
Apart from that, it was pretty good!
~Amy
All American poet here at your service...haha ok lets not go that far, but anyway. Ok, so I liked it I understood it, but it didn't stand out. I see these poems all the time, and I know you hate to hear that but I do, and I write them as well. The thing is if you are going to make a romantic love story you have to make it alive and entertaining. It just kind of drags to me because I know the end I know that he will end up leaving and her hurt and another girl will come and do the same thing. Anyway I did like the concept it just needs some enthusiasm.
Your poem has a good rhyme scheme and reads with a nice, easy flow. You did well with explaining things as they happened without going back or forward and then the opposite direction unnecessarily.
Two small errors no one has corrected:
"I couldn't see pass
All your charm."
Pass should be past.
The "five" in the first line should have a capital F.
Other than that, grammar is good.
Your poem shows an instance that nearly everyone who's ever been in a relationship can understand, and that a lot have experienced. The part that gets me is that for five months the guy doesn't seem to care, but the girl stays with him. This is something that happens commonly, and the poem I think would have been more effective if it told exactly why the girl didn't leave him when those thoughts first occurred. Was she scared of him? Was she scared of loneliness? In denial? And then, what made them part?
I like that you refer to the new girl as the "victim;" that says a lot about the boy, but uses just one word. That's one of the points of poetry--to say a lot in a smaller amount of space.
This does a lot of telling rather than showing. We see that the love wasn't real, or at least not on his part, but we don't see how. Maybe convey that he was distant or mean or whatever he was that made her think he didn't love her.
"It was all just an illusion." How?
Also, we assume that she's miserable, but the extent of her misery isn't really accentuated. It should be. This is a poem about how "Love Hurts," right? In a poem about pain and suffering, the reader must feel for the character. They must think, "Wow, that really does hurt!" Right now, it's just, "Okay, the girl is sad."
Rather than saying that the emotion exists, tell how exactly it manifests itself.
This is overall a good poem. I believe, if I saw correctly, that this is your first post. It's a good first impression of your talent. With just a little bit of tweaking the details, this could be a very powerful piece.
I do hope to see more of your work in the future. I enjoyed it!
Take care and keep up the good work!
-Vanadis.
Real niceeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
I liked it.................
slandie
this moved so quickly, it has a wonderful rhythm and pace.
Then the poem starts to lag.
Try cutting out the "fat" of your poetry and see if you can't shorten the lengths of the other stanzas.
Other than that, great job.
Empress
Keep the rythm flowing it was beautiful its what seprates poetry from an emotional writer and i say you are a POET
I really like your poem, the emotion really comes through. The words you used make it flow and the rhyming helped. One thing I think that could be misunderstood is the above staza, because of her sitting on his kneee makes people think he's a dad or and grandparent. I don't think that's what you meant though because of the first line in that stanza, but it may confuse some people.
five months we shared
But it never felt Like you really cared
correct me if im wrong but i dont think you need to include
a comma.
Really good poem and you have presented the ryming pattern well.
sorry about my bad spelling