Sometimes I wish I could just melt away.
Burning water doesn't help.
Yet here I am, with thoughsands of droplets pouring down my face,scalding it.
It hurts, and it feels good.
So here I stand, cleansing myself of the world.
I guess you could say I was having some issues that day.
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Sometimes I wish I could just melt away.
Burning water doesn't help.
Yet here I am,
with thousands of droplets pouring down my face,
scalding it.
This hurts; it also feels good.
So here I stand, cleansing myself of the world.
so this was minorly revised, i'm always looking for better ways to say what i'm feeling, but for some reason i can never bring myself to dramatically change the meaning of anything i write. i think i just like to keep things raw because i'm afraid if i pick too much the piece will lose it's integrity. that being said, i don't really want to expand on WHY it is i wanted to melt away, rather than just the fact that i did, because that emotion was so overwhelming it was all that i could think of at the time; it consumed me, and that's what i was trying to convey. if anybody can think of a better method to depicting this, let me hear it i'm open to anything
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I liked it alot. Short and swee. I loved the last line-- it made me chuckle.
I think this line is weak. one third of the sentence is the word "it", which is hardly ever good. You could use some stronger verbs/elaboration.
And "thoughsands" should be "thousands". Don't forget to spell check ; )
There's not a whole lot to critique and I liked it. So I'll go now.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I'm June-- very nice to meet you. I'm going to review this for you.
Quite a random, emotional poem, I say. It's short-- which is nice, and it's free form, which is cool. Let's get to work!
Okie dokie! There are quite a few things wrong with this line-- no offense; I know this is a poem that's going to pour out emotion, but this is just like... too informative. It kid of just dumps information on us and we're like left wondering, "Ouch, why does she want to melt away?"
Another really informative line; it's not actually a bad thing, but now we're left wondering, "What does her wanting to melt want to do with burning water?" We understand, maybe this girl is going to stick herself in some pot of boiling water to try and melt herself away... like chocolate.
"thoughsands". The correct spelling is "Thousands".
The first two lines were short and quick, and this kind of dragged. In order for us to make this fit into the poem, we have to read it quickly, rushing ourselves over the words. Perhaps you may use a bit of enjambment? Enjambment is simply the running over of one line to the next.
It hurt and it feels good? Okay, that's an oxymoron. Oxymorons are fine-- believe me, but they have to be done just right.
Use imagery here, or use more intricate words than "hurts" and "good" to describe this; for now it feels like a bit of information was tossed at us.
I quite like this line, dear, "cleansing myself of the world" has great potential to it. Make sure that you structure your poems effectively around such a powerful sentence and keep an eye on your word choice.
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Overall, it was a good poem. It was short, and brief, but it held alot within the lines. You did a great job with that.
It was free form, meaning that it had no set structure to it and didn't have any strict guidelines to follow. Sometimes, free form is the best way to write poetry because you do not limit yourself to the restrictive bounds of sentence structure.
Keep it up! You did a great job here!
Welcome to YWS! I'd love to see more of your work!
June
I guess you could say I was having some issues that day.
Anyways, tell me what you think, I'm all ears.
Hey! Welcome to YWS. So my critiques will be in bold, 'kay?
This was pretty good, but it was kind of short to really elaborate on your feelings. Tell us why you wish you could melt away. Tell us why the burning water doesn't help. Details!
PM me if you ever want another critique. I'm always happy to help.
I have a lot of poetry like this.
Words written carelessly because that was how I felt.
They mean a lot even when they are simple.
I especially like the last line.
"So here I stand cleansing myself of the world. "
Very nice. Keep it up, and Welcome to YWS.