The Fivefold Road
Prologue,
Roedra cast a glance behind her, steel grey eyes flickering over the men that trailed her. They were sullen, dull-eyed, taciturn and travel worn. She hadn't expected her mission to lead the soldiers to depression and fatigue. But there they were, no less apprised of their infirmities for all the misconceptions in the world.
"Keep it up, lads." She said through gritted teeth.
Giving a tired and exasperated huff, she pushed her numb legs to up the pace. A cool draft had picked up early, and the sun poured the eerie blue lights of infant morning over the mountainous horizon. As she led the men clambering up the hill, she mused; the dawn would be upon them before they knew it. Yet none had caught a single wink of sleep.
An urgent cry came from below. "Captain Altrayen!"
Roedra snapped around to regard the source of the voice, instead she saw the panicked faces of hardened soldiers, framed by large, dark lines hurtling through the air above. She had naught but a second to react as the arrows rained down, whistled until they found earth or flesh. She shrank to her knees and drew her cloak around her protectively, almost reaching for the daggers at her belt until she realised the futility.
There was loud thudding all around, and the occasional impotent grunt or pained moan that heralded an arrow finding its quarry. Roedra held steady, the metal chain inlaid in her cloak giving her meagre comfort as she attempted to steel her mind. She tried to quell the fear that swept over her, to fathom her tactical options and forget that men she'd known for long weeks travelling were now destined to be fetid corpses burnt on a pyre. If the enemy was even so gracious.
When the pelting ended for a moment, she raised her head to survey the scene. But before she got more than a glimpse, another volley of arrows erupted from below. Her gaze followed one of the projectiles, and she realised with horror that they weren't simple arrows. They were like logs.
"Giants!" Came a hoarse cry from below.
The men, once sullen and fatigued now frantically scrambled up the hill like rabbits, hopping and weaving through the rain of death to escape the fox's jaws.
Roedra fell back under her cloak again, to hear the thudding and moaning that would be the last sounds her men might ever hear. The last sounds she might ever hear. She quivered, half with fear and half with undirected rage. She felt her fists clench as they held the cloak as a barrier around her, her heart was racing, her body tense from head to toe. She could do nothing.
When the second volley passed, Roedra raised her head to the scene of the slaughter. Towering figures stood far below them in the foothills, each at least three average men in height, probably more than ten in muscle. They were ruddy, hulking masses with sharp, crooked brown teeth. Their huge muscles tensed and pulsed with intrinsic strength as they gripped massive weapons.
They held bows and arrows as large as trees, boulders and the occasional bone cudgel clearly bequeathed by a limb of some long dead gargantuan. The impaled bodies of Roedra's men littered the steep terrain below, some still groaning with agony and leaking bodily fluids.
Other men scrambled up, ran and shoved past her, a sense of fear was ubiquitous. Roedra rose slowly, erect as if to escape her body and encompass everything in her senses in that instant. The wind whipped her fiery hair back, threw her heavy cloak behind her. Her eyes, ethereal and distant, had branded every thuggish face, every callous and bloodthirsty grin of the giants into her mind. She felt light-headed, sick, with an unsatiable craving for retribution and violence mounting in her trance-like state. The sun crept over the horizon, scorched the crimson spatters on the hill into congealed black puddles of mud and blood.
And a diseased orange glow came over the conquered mountain as the giants lumbered upward....
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
I'll be changing it at some point when I have more time and inclination. That isn't the entire first chapter (hence the 'More to come') so that sentence won't be all on its lonesome. But yeah, it probably wasn't needed at this point. I guess you could review the transition between the king and the first sentence of that- which is what I'd like to know about. The boy is going to be the main character, and is devoid of a name and a few other things until the ideas come. So- Until then: Any ideas about, any comments on and any reviews of the parts that I've written are all appreciated.
Didn't even notice this was updated until today. Anyway, this snippet of Chapter One was incredibly short. If you don't mind, try to lengthen it up. Kind've annoying to only get to read about half a page when you want to read some more. The last sentence shouldn't be there, I think. It's a change of place and it's the only sentence there, so it's unneeded at this point.
Creative with the face in the mountain and using it as a watch point, though. Points for that. The king kind of seemed modest at first but then you made him sound like a cripple or a king afraid of dying for his country. Is that what you were going for?
-MID
Katharsis - I think I shall start to crit myself, actually. XD ‘No - know’. Anyway, I suppose that not every scene has to be cried over, yes?.. Well, onward to Chapter One.
Quote:
In this stone chair, raised on a small dais was an unlikely figure.
Second comma is needed up there.
Quote:
This man struck no arrogant poses, no pretentious nasal tones escaped his lips, he would not be seen on the tapestries or tiles of tyrants hunting game, nor on the battlefield would the man be fitting.
Quite a long sentence, and while I have nothing to those, here you should, perhaps, consider the usage of a semicolon. Or rephrase it. In other words: semicolon instead of the second comma, and afterward still consider rephrasing. Or just change it at your liking, however you would see it.
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He seemed so uncharismatic it was hard to tell why he sat in the throne at all.
Consider adding: that.
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"Yes," the servant gulped, "sire."
It would look better, I think, if the tag was after, not between, the dialogue, at least as it is. But it really is up to you *^^*
Quote:
"So," the man who called himself King Gerald said dully as he massaged his temples, "you're telling me this Roedra Altrayen brought the attention of these giants down on us?"
Upon rereading that sentence - or, more specifically, the tag - I think you should consider rephrasing. It sounds a tad awkward as it is, and makes you wonder if the king’s reply should be one sentence when there really is no question. It should.
Putting the above matters aside, I have to say, I do love your descriptions, I really do. The first paragraphs were awesome when it comes to that - you are making me on envious person. -.-
I am, however, struggling for anything interesting to say. I suppose that as we go on, your descriptions will continue to be brilliant, and that eventually I will have to stop repeating that. Perhaps I will be able to say something about the character development, or anything else, later on, when you will have posted more. As it is, this was really to short for me to either rant or sing paeans.
As always,
Thanks for posting,
Cheers,
Esme
Edit: I still cannot get over ‘no’. xD
Edited the prologue accordingly. I've taken your concerns into account, but I think you'll find that character development is often left for later chapters than the Prologue. Though I have changed it to offer a bit more emotion from Roedra.
Yes.I'd like to make it veeeery clear that in Australia we spell meager -- meagre. So get used to it!
To illustrate fatigue and irritation. I changed it, so hopefully its a bit more clear now.
She is Captain Roedra Altrayen.
That part should seem a little more clear now that I've merged a sentence from the former paragraph. If you have any more concerns, let me know.
Should be clearer now. Meant to illustrate the size of the arrows, so it should be easier for the reader to infer the call of "Giants!" in the next paragraph means that the 'like logs' indicates the size of the dang arrows.
Some were. When more is written, read on and find out.
I intentionally made the soldiers vague because many are dying, and I didn't want to introduce too many characters at the very beginning and nor did I want the readers (or me) attached to them if I did. It would make it difficult to move onto the first chapter, which will have less to do with Roedra and the [s]battle[/s] massacre. There might be some fleshing out of some of the remaining soldiers, but I don't know about adding more description for them in the Prologue at this time.
(I don't mean to critique your critiques, I'm just answering your questions with the corrections I've made and some justifications. Thank you for your reviews.)
Hello Katharsis,
I don’t think I have ever cirtted your work. Or maybe I did - my memory is not all that good, lol. Anyway, I shall crit the prologue first and try not to repeat what AWritersFantasy already said, because that would be quite pointless. Forgive me if I do, though
Quote:
As she led the men clambering up the hill, she mused, the dawn would be upon them before they knew it.
Consider rephrasing, or sthing like that. Perhaps a semicolon would do the thing, but I am still for rephrasing - the sentence up there sounds a bit awkward to me, as if something were missing.
Quote:
She shrank to her knees and drew her cloak around her protectively.
Technically there is nothing wrong with this sentence. And there probably isn’t, but somehow to me it sounds a bit… awkward? Rephrase it or change the order of the words, or perhaps it sounds perfectly fine to you. *Blushes*
Quote:
"Giants!" Came a hoarse cry from below.
Minors.
Quote:
She tried to quell the fear that swept over her,
Nitpicky I am, I know. But ‘She tried’ is repeated, and was used in the sentence before. While in some situations that could be a positive thing, I would use sthing else up there this time.
Quote:
Her eyes; ethereal and distant, had branded every thuggish face, every callous and bloodthirsty grin of the giants into her mind. I don’t quite understand the usage of the semicolon. Also, I had to reread this sentence a few times, and something still screams: Unclear, unclear! in my mind.
Well, that will be all for the grammar slash spelling issues.
Quote:
An urgent cry came from below. "Captain Altrayen!" Roedra snapped around to regard the source of the voice.
I would question that paragraph up there, if only because of *is now spending five minutes, searching for the correct word* the way in which they are ordered. See, to me, those three separate sentences don’t look good together. Two (random two, in fact) yes, but not three. Perhaps merge them, or add them to one of the paragraphs below or above. Or just leave it if it is just my paranoia.
Quote:
They were logs.
Very nice. (This was already somewhere up there, but I pasted it here. This one is ok… Oo. No, I do not understand myself.
So. You have a very nice prologue there, J I have to say, it did grab my attention, and was very well written - I shall read the next installation soon, as I am a bit pressed for time now.
All in all, I don’t think I really have any dislikes when it comes to the this piece. The balance between action and description is pretty good - the story is neither too fast- slash nor slow-paced. The second is vivid and images come by themselves, without having to be forced. There was that issue with punctuation, but that can be easily fixed.
As for anything else… I realize I might be grabbing at blades - but what I would like to see more of in this piece is emotion when it comes to the soldiers. I mean, they are supposed to be terrified, yes? I would like too see that. And they and Roedra no each other for some time - perhaps give some names, or sthing like that, just to make it more personal.
Well, that would be it. Again, very well written, and I enjoyed reading it. If you have any questions, or if I wrote something really weird, PM me.
Thanks for posting,
Cheers,
Esme
EDIT: I totaly forgot about the crit xD The person above (hello!) managed to post way before me, though when I started that post wasn't there.
my edits and comments are in bold
Overall, I thought this: your descriptions were very, very, very good. I felt like I knew what the land looked like at the end of the prologue. But we need more background information. There were a lot of parts that confused me. And your characters... right now they're dull, drab, lifeless. I barely know anything about them, not so much the men as Roedra. I don't know who Roedra is at all. You need to tell more of her feelings in your descriptions. Your wording, I must say, was great. It sounds as though it could be a good story, except for your characters.
Now I'll try something new, and give you ratings. It's a scale of 1-10, 10 being highest, etc. Hopefully it'll give you an idea of what's good, and what needs to be worked on.
Character development: 4/10
Plot development: 6/10
Descriptions: 9/10
Grammar/wording: 8/10
Overall: 6.5/10
I think that if you continue the story well, it'll be really good.
Keep writing!!!!!!
Teh Wozzinator
AWritersFantasy: Issues fixed, most of the mistakes you noted that haven't been corrected would only be mistakes if I were to use US english.
Made_In_Demise: Last name should be clearer now. If not, I think this key should help: [awl-tray-yen]
(I'm somewhat depressed and out of it at the moment, so I hope this next lot is up to scratch.)
Chapter One,
A ghastly, chilling wind steered through vast fields and paddocks, pushing millions of blades of grass aside. It curled upward, churning into a higher breeze and filtered over open plains and valleys, brushing the canopies of forests and the stagnant waters of marshlands until it came to the mountains. Forced upward, it finally emptied itself into a broad, grassy clearing amid the unscaleable stone outcrops.
There it blew around rectangular pyramid houses fashioned of grey stone. At the back of the clearing lay a colossal bearded man's face carved into the mountain. A crown encircled the face's forehead, serving as battlements where armed men patrolled haphazardly, their eyes affixed to the distant valleys below. The wind passed them by, entering through doorways to either side of the crown.
It swept through long corridors, inside, into the depths of the colossal stone head. Amid the grim, elaborate masonry was a dim throne room, where the wind met its abrupt end. Braziers to either side of the imperial chair itself lent its inhabitant an elegant, gilded countenance where all others were shrouded in shadow and smoke.
In this stone chair, raised on a small dais was an unlikely figure. His long mane of hair was a mix of grey and ebony, strangled by a pale, silvery crown. His beard was short, though broad and thoroughly rugged. This man struck no arrogant poses, no pretentious nasal tones escaped his lips, he would not be seen on the tapestries or tiles of tyrants hunting game, nor on the battlefield would the man be fitting. He seemed so uncharismatic it was hard to tell why he sat in the throne at all.
"So," the man who called himself King Gerald said dully as he massaged his temples, "you're telling me this Roedra Altrayen brought the attention of these giants down on us?"
"Yes, sire. I fear it is so." One of the milling servants spluttered out nervously, unable to keep a level gaze with even this unimposing king.
"And she still refuses to tell us what she and these hundred men intended to do?"
"Yes," the servant gulped, "sire."
The king groaned irritably, then waved the servants away. "Leave me."
* * * * * *
In a dilapidated house on the outskirts of the clearing that was collectively known as the settlement of Dusturil, a boy awoke.
(More soon)
Since AWritersFantasy already fixed your grammar for you I'll just review and tell you what I liked and disliked.
Okay, you really drew me in. It takes a lot to do that. I mean, I've been messing around here for a while and haven't found any stories that really catch my attention. Nice idea with the protective cloak there. It's very unique. Wow, bloody. XD The ending was really good, though. ^^ Makes me want to read some more. I liked the description of the soldiers, too, but if I was one of them I'd be pretty mutinous.
Her last name seems pretty hard to say...wanna tell us how to pronounce it? XD
But I can't get this thought out of my head that this chick is going to have hell to pay when she comes home with like a quarter of her army.
Overall, I liked this. You did very well with the description, and I could imagine what was happening as I read it (which is always a good thing. It means you didn't give too little or too much description). Some of the bolded words are ones that I just corrected the spelling on, though honestly there's at least one of them that was only misspelt according to Firefox's spell checker, so I don't entirely know if it was spelt wrong to begin with since it tells me that some weird words are spelt wrong.
Anyway, I did enjoy the prologue and I look forward to reading more.
I will crit this.
It's just getting a little late. 
:D:D:D:D