Published April 8, 2008
In my head eclectic voices cry,
Sparks of wisdom in an ocean,
Of null words too often spoken,
The voices live and then they die.
In my ears the sounds of many fools,
The unthought rantings yelled so high,
Believers come for souls and sigh,
When the free truthseekers are not tools.
In my eyes the pigmented iris,
Shows a hue of no importance,
A hazel of life's ordinance,
And a bleakness of the unpious.
In my mind the tools to make a world,
Give naught but the grief and sadness,
Of a boy consumed by madness,
In the corner fetally curled.
In my fingers the pen or the key,
To create something of wonder,
Folly to not know't as blunder,
And here the animal thoughts run free...
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141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
The feeling I got from it was one of despair and pessimism, of almost retrospective regret.
I like how you went through the senses and cataloged the list of sensation in each of them, very forceful.
All epic language and put together very well.
I loved it.
Wow. You did an awesome job, and the rhyming felt natural. Yet you still managed to create interesting imagery.
The only place where the rhythm felt off was in the fourth stanza. You start out with a longer line, then they get short. In a rhyming poem, this really throws off the reader. I think if you add a few words, like "That lies in the corner..." it might work. Mess with it and see what you come up with.
Overall, great job. Keep writing!
nice job- I see nothing wrong with it. It was awsome!!!!!!!!! ^_+^_^_^_^_^_^_^__^^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^__^^__^_^^_^__^^__^^_^ Well done. 10/10
"In my head eclectic voices cry," shouldn't it be 'electric'?
"Folly to not know't as blunder," don't see that contraction every day..i would cange it to 'know it'. i think it flows better.
other than that...that was a REALLY good poem. i mean...there's really nothing to comment on. it was all good.
9/10