Published February 17, 2014
How can you be
So beautiful?
Just standing there,
Gazing into
The distance, like,
You can see
Something there
My eyes can't reach?
Beyond the bonds
Of space and time,
A melody,
A silver chime,
Is echoing
Across the skies.
And suddenly,
The sun bursts forth,
Dazzling,
It's glorious rays
Like fire dancing,
In your eyes,
And laughing
At our mortal days.
And in the silence
Afterwards,
Heard softly said,
Those three sweet words.
And realizing
It's I who speak,
You turn around
To look at me,
And smile.
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140,706 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
This is really nice. Very expressive. I wonder who you had in mind when you wrote this.
I like how you've described the sun. Like how it dazzles and the way it dances, it sounds wonderful.
I like the emotions you've brought forth. Like how the object of desire despite being near, you can't actually have it. It's a little sad as it starts out but as the poem progresses and you compare the person to the blue sky and the sun. Something that's far off an can't be reached.
But then at the end that smile. It changes everything. All the fear you had disappeared the moment the person smiled.
Truly a beautiful way to express your emotion.
Good job! Keep it up!
I really enjoyed your poem. It kept me engaged the whole time. Everyone does not know how to write poetry, and you did a great job. As a writer you are suppose to keep the reader engaged and, you did just that. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
I really like this piece, it has such a wonderful tone. I'm a huge fan of having short lines, and so I like the how you've structure this poem. I find it interesting that you wrote it as basically one run-on sentence. It's not necessarily bad, in fact, I think it draws the reader towards the end of the poem. However, sometimes you use commas in a place that is not grammatically correct, and that makes me pause as I read it, making it much more broken than it should be.
The happiness and warmth that this conveys is infectious, which makes this fun to read. The images you used really add to the poem as well.
Good work and keep writing!!
I really like what you have going on here. And if I'm not mistaken, those three words are "I love you"?
I love the imagery you use, especially about the sun bursting forth. And actually, one part reminds me of the Great Gatsby, when Gatsby is standing on the end of his dock, reaching his hand out to that green light that marks where his love his. It's this part:
Again, this really reminded me of that part.
The only negative thing I really have to say, is that I wish your lines were a little bit longer. Mainly just because the short lines make the poem just slightly choppy, and I think the flow would be better if you conjoined some of them. That's just a suggestion, the poem works fine without that. You're the poet after all.
I must finish by telling you that I really loved this poem, and it was a completely new take on a concept that has been rewritten and overwritten (I'm guilty as charged) many times over. thank you for this little sip of water in the barren desert. Yes, that's a metaphor. But I'm sure you knew that because you're so darn good! Again, great job, keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your works. If there's something you would like reviewed, or you think I might like, just PM me and I'll definitely take a look!
-Gravity
Wow, I love the imagery in this poem. It gives a lovely, peaceful feeling that I think is very needed in poems like these. I also love your choice of free verse.
My only critique is that because of the way that you broke each line, at times the transitions between lines were slightly awkward and hard to get through. I would suggest combining a couple of lines so that things are easier to understand and the flow is more cohesive. Try reading it through to see where the breaks would be better placed.
In all, great work! Thank you so much for writing.