An Altercation

This was an excellent poem -it evoked some very visceral reactions. c: I'm not exactly experienced (at all) in the field of poetry, so feel free to disregard any and everything I have to say. I'm also going to refrain from offering any advice in the way of pacing and such, because my gut feelings are likely entirely wrong. :p

"I couldn't help but notice the way you trip.
body breaking air and bones breaking bread over,"

Firstly, I do believe the period after 'trip' should be a comma, because the second line is a continuation of the first, yes? As well, I didn't quite understand the part about bread (is it a reference to some sort of obscure proverb, or something of that persuasion?).

"eyes filled with taxedermic gleam and"

Grammatically, I think there should be an 'a' between 'with' and 'taxidermic' (which, by the way, is misspelled). I'm not sure if it would interrupt the flow of the poem, or something like that, so I'm hesitant to suggest it. Excellent imagery, by the way!

"Hair electrified and eyes carven-wide,"

'Carven' isn't actually a word. Did you mean to write 'cavern', instead? (That does make quite a bit more sense.)

"you clubbed me with those blunt instraments till I"

Instruments?

"We destroyed eachother with a vicoiusness"

Technically, 'eachother' isn't accepted as an actual compound word, but enough people use it commonly for me to excuse it. :p And, I'm pretty sure you meant to write 'viciousness'?

I enjoyed this poem immensely, though, and look forward to seeing more of your work in future! c:

I agree with dogs.

Hello there Kat! Dogs here with your review today. Well goodness gracious here is an epic poem you produced. You use some excellent description in this piece that really drags the reader into your writing. I think most of my review is going to focus on flow and rhythm of your writing, because content wise this piece is pretty darn solid. Anywho, let's dive in now shall we?

"body breaking air and bones breaking bread over,"

Two quick notes here, firstly you need a capital on "Body," just because it's the beginning of a new sentence. You apply that starting each sentence with a capital to the rest of your poem, so just be sure to have it be relevant to all aspects of your writing. Also, I think you might be going for a little too much with the "bones break bread." Partially because it really doesn't make much sense. I'm quite confused when I read this line and what exactly are you trying to prove with it.

The last line of that first stanza is pretty stellar though. Great use of the word "Syntax," excellent writing in that regard.

"You smashed head-first through my first lines of discourse,"

This line is far too long in comparison to the rest of your poem. Perhaps try omitting all useless words whenever you can and try saying something more like: "You smashed violently through my discourse." Whatever works. I love the rest of the second stanza, such excellent description you use there.

"kissed your knees into bloody submission."

I may just be being crazy, but it really isn't clear wither you mean you kissed his knees in an act of submission... or you kissed his knees until he submersed? (And I just assumed the person yelling violently was a he). Try to make that point a little clearer.

All and all a lovely poem, I enjoyed reading it. You have some excellent imagery and with some edits this could be a darn nice piece of poesy. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh