-PROLOUGE-
Before continuing, please read so that all dissilusions prevented. Thank you.
~You know what's funny? That, through all the books I've read, not one of the main characters ever thinks that their way of life is wrong. That their society is twisted and the leaders are corrupted. And when they do find out that life isn't perfect, they spend a few chapters, even a whole book, in shock and utter dismay.
It's hilarious really.
And then the heroine does everything in her power to take down the 'now-evil' government headed by a lunatic that looks powerful but really is revealed as small and pathetic in the last battle. All this, usually to be with some random bad-boy she just met.
This book I write to you (whoever you might be) is not one of these stories.
Yes, our government was corrupt.
No, I knew this before it all this happened. I just never realized how deep the roots reached.
Yes, our government had a person at it's head manipulating everything.
No, he wasn't crazy. Have you ever met someone so dedicated to their ideal, that no matter how corrupt it is, that they would do anything?
Yes, I am a girl.
No, I didn't fight the world so I can be in the arms of some hunky guy. He's not hunky.
Although I truly love reading these stories and encourage people to read them I just felt that before I told you my story I had to straighten that out. This book is about our 'utopian society'. If you are familiar with dystopian fiction than you are aware the government most likely falls, and everything is perfect in the end. Horray. Well, I'm not gonna spoil this for you, but let me just tell you that this isn't some made up story that that is the basic plot line of all those other stories.
This is real life.
But, there is one thing all our stories have in common. The beginning. The heroine lives in her world, usually blissfully unware of the corruption, when BAM one day it hits them like a tidal wave. One event, one person, opens their eyes and changes their life.
For me, that event was a trip to the ice-cream shop.
And that person was Shadow.~
-PROLOUGE END-
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello KatKage! My name is Sky, ready to review this for you. (even though others have done so already)
So I love the way you started of the piece already. You've started by telling the reader what they're obviously bored of, and you've also told them that that is not what you are going to do.
Sorry, I just had to fix that c:
Whoa. Slow down. In the previous lines, you made them nice and short (though a little repetitive) and then you attack your readers with this line. Try reading this line out loud. Get out of breath? I sure did.
Maybe changing it up a little will help.
Example:
Something like that is acceptable. Also, the next line after this (the one about a utopian society) should be started as a new paragraph. If you think otherwise, you can leave it as is, but I just thought it would be easier on the eyes if all of it wasn't in one paragraph.
Sorry, I had to fix that as well ^-^"
When I read this out loud it felt odd in my mouth. Try rearranging the words.
Example:
Again, it doesn't have to be exactly that, but something like it would be nice.
Overall:
I enjoyed reading this piece a lot. I actually learned something from it, and that is not to make my work so stereotypical and the same as most books out there
So I thank you for that.
Also, I would like to remind you not to repeat lines too much (your 'yes and no' scheme) for it makes some readers bored and is hard to follow for others. Twice is fine, but going on and on is kind of...meh.
I really want to read the next part of this. So I'll be on the lookout when the next chapter is up
If you have any questions about this review, please contact me via my profile or inbox.
Keep writing!
Sky c:
Well, the first thing I would like to point out is that you spelled "Prologue" wrong. Not like it's the worst possible thing; we've all done it. But I thought you might be interested in knowing.
Now, for the actual piece. This wasn't the best introduction. You're missing the "t" at the end of perfect in the first paragraph, lunitic should be lunatic. Instead of "no, I did already know this", I think "Yes, I already knew this" would flow better. "Ho" is "how" (minor error, obviously).
You might want to add the word "that" after "ideal," and before "no matter how corrupt". "Fimiliar" should be "familiar". "Horay" should be "hooray". "Beginning" has two n's. "Ususally" is "usually" (I expect you were simply typing too fast here). "Openes" is "opens".
Anyway, enough with the critique on spelling issues. This piece had it's good points as well. I love how you introduce us to the story by talking about story-cliches. It's original, as I don't see it happen too often, and it gives the main character a more "realistic" feel. That's good; a story needs realism.
What is my final opinion? Make the edits I informed you of. And after that...well, I can't wait to see the first chapter of this. If you keep your main character as real as she is now- and a bit spunky too, I might add, in her own way- it should be on a good track.
Please take my thoughts into opinion, Kage-chan.
~Eternity
Ya, I'm not the best at spelling or grammer ^^'' but thank you for pointing this all out Eternity-chama ^^
This was really interesting. The musing style of this really drew me in.
I just wanted to say before continuing that you should read R.A. Salvatore's The Legend Of Drizzt Series.
Ok, so...
The yes, no, yes, no style at the end there really made me feel like the character knew what she was talking about.
The whole thing about a "Hunky guy" kinda made me worry. For once it would be nice to read a story where the love interest was a regular looking guy who was unique.
Apart from that, I'm really looking forward to the next part, as I can plainly see that you know what you're doing. I may have to check out some of your other works.
Thank you BradenPowell ^^ I hope to get some more things on here ASAP ^u^ And I will ^u^