Published January 24, 2007
Ok so this is really rough, I'm not too sure where I'm going with it but give me as much advice as you all can I really need it, thanks xx
‘I’m sitting in my mothers room at present, it isn’t a pretty room, far from it in fact. The wallpaper is bright and flowery; the curtains are those, which belong in a child’s, room, covered in hearts and teddy bears. The carpet clashes horribly, it is a deep red, completely out of place with the rest of the room. The only thing attractive in my mothers room is a large, comfortable bed, which is surrounded by an elaborate white furniture piece.
I’m sitting on the bed; I sit here often for it is the only place I seem to find any peace. It holds many memories for me, this bed it is the place I read my first Harry Potter book, the place I first began to write, the place where I’ve laughed and cried, sang and sulked. You ask me why my mothers room and I feel I have little sufficient answer to that. I share my own room and it is often invaded by the chirping of my sisters giggling friends my mothers room was always the place I took refuge and remains so to this day.'
Today though the house is silent and there is only me here, left alone on this sea of a bed with a thin envelope in my hands and black tinted tears running of my too long nose. My vision is blurred but it matters not I have read the important part, the part which states my future.’
How long ago this piece of writing seems, the day I got my letter, the feelings I felt then. Oh how things have changed, my future is not the heaven I imagined back then. My present is as far from heaven as even I could have imagined back then. Let me explain where things went wrong, let me tell you about my life so far.[/b]
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140,564 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was actually a really nice piece. Definitely does not look very rough to me. It's telling us some pretty good things and we can really get a great feel for our protagonist and the sort of headspace that he is in which makes the story overall really easy.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's a pretty good description and I honestly that's actually a pretty decent look for a room but then that's just me.
Well those are all important milestones (how did Harry Potter slip in there) and I think its a wonderful subtle way of letting us know how much this place but mean to him.
That's some real good suspense there to end on. Definitely very interesting there. And now the problem that causes is that I want MORE. I hope that will encounter more parts of this as I continue my journey through the depths of All Literary.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall this is a really well done little piece that I enjoyed reading. It was some wonderful suspense there at the end. The story itself also had a really nice flow and just the right of description and backstory along with vague hints. Good Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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I’m sitting in my mothers room at present, it isn’t a pretty room, far from it in fact.
I would turn the first comma into a period. A bit down you have ‘those’ (to the curtains). I suggest changing it into ‘are of the kind which (…).
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The only thing attractive in my mothers room is a large, comfortable bed, which is surrounded by an elaborate white furniture piece.
Exactly what furniture piece? Mothers = Mother’s. I don’t like how you use ‘mother’s room’ again in one paragraph.
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You ask me why my mothers room and I feel I have little sufficient answer to that.
Unclear sentence alert. Mothers = Mother’s
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I share my own room and it is often invaded by the chirping of my sisters giggling friends my mothers room was always the place I took refuge and remains so to this day.'
Unclear sentence alert. Maybe to sentences out of this? Sisters = Sister’s/ ‘and IT remains so’. Mothers = Mother’s
Quote:
Today though the house is silent and there is only me here, left alone on this sea of a bed with a thin envelope in my hands and black tinted tears running of my too long nose
Her tears are black? O_o I have no idea where, but if you have ‘though’ there is supposed to be a comma somewhere around.
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How long ago this piece of writing seems, the day I got my letter, the feelings I felt then.
Unclear sentence alert.
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My present is as far from heaven as even I could have imagined back then.
Maybe - ‘So is the present’. I don’t like the repentance, even if it is on purpose.
Okay, so that’s it. You need to work on your apostrophes and some of your sentences are unclear, but I got hooked. ^_^.