The burn comes when its all over with.
You dip your red, raw skin into the steaming water.
It instantly flames with pain, but we start to like it.
What if the burn is really just your inner pain being released.
Then its all over.
The water no longer burns because your pain has all been released.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
I love this! I'm questioning the pain thing now, too! Now look what you did. Your making me ponder weird things. Anywho, I won't point out any grammatical errors because other people already pointed that out, so yeah.
This has a dark feel to it, but it doesn't at the same time. I don't now how to explain it, but it does.
Also, I didn't like the repetition of the word 'released'. I feel like you should use another synonym for it like: evaporated, erased, disappeared, etc.
You have earned my stamp of approval. Kudos to you!
FANTABULOUS!
Hey, rhia here to review
I'll just point out two little nitpicks first:
1)
You worded this as a question so it needs to have a question mark at the end.
2)
Should be it's
The only broad problem I have with this is that it is entirely abstract. Of course, poetry is often about abstract concepts, but we have to relay it in a way that ties it down. Right now, how this is, I feel really shut out from this poem. This is written with words like "it" over and over. THese are words that you can relate to, but your reader won't understand as much. I recommend that you use more words with a clear meaning, that the reader can visualize, like body parts, bathtub, shower. It'll bring your imagery to life, I promise. The trick is to turn an abstract feeling into a concrete visual for the reader.
I like this, I really do. But something that I didn't really understand was the 'we' in "It instantly flames with pain, but we start to like it".
Who starts to like it? Who is 'we'?
I like your concept of the poem, but a few of the parts do flow as well as the others. And it's a bit short.
"What if the burn is really just your inner pain being released."
Was that supposed to be a question, or a statement? Because the way you wrote it made it seem like a question, but the punctuation isn't right.
Maybe if you fixed the few errors, and made it a bit longer, it would flow way better.
Anyways, you earned a like from me!
Good job, and I hope to see more of you!