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Six Month Journey [Chapter One]

by Kanome


A/N: This novel has been redrafted and rewritten. I took down the original and posted this. Hope this is better than the one I originally wrote.

Filianna was never the one who expressed her true feelings. She knew that she had to complete this task in order to help her village grow. She was sitting in the throne room, which illuminated throughout with lit torches. Next to her was her father, the chief of the village, Osao village to be exact. They were sitting around a wooden table, where others surrounded it. The village was scarce, conserving the last of its resources to the women and children. Her father hoped to unite the village with another faraway, creating peace and prosperity, in hopes of having resources to sustain his homeland. He looked at Filianna was a stern look on his face.

“Daughter, you will be heading out to the destination tomorrow morning. I even hired a bodyguard to help you along the way. This will take months to complete, so be sure to succeed.”

Filianna nodded as she looked down at the table. Her mission was to marry a noble in the designated village, in order to help her people. She cared for her home, even if it meant to sacrifice her own feelings to save her people.

“Sir, what about… that?” One of the council members, Gillian spoke out with such concern in his voice. Filianna knew what he spoke of. Her power. Her visions. She always had vision ever since she was a little girl. She tried her best hiding it for years so that others wouldn't think that she was indifferent or in their terms, a monster. Filianna understood why Gillian would be concerned about such a thing.

“She has been able to keep it under control for years. As long as she doesn’t tell anyone, it will be fine. Meeting dismissed.” Her father dismissed the issue as the council members stood up from their seats, heading out of the throne room, leaving Filianna and her father behind. He placed his hand on her head, stroking her head gently.

“Everyone is depending on you, so be sure you succeed on this mission.”

“Yes…” Filianna spoke out softly. As she tried to stand from her seat, she felt a jolt of pain on the temple of her head. Next thing she knew, everything turned black.

✣✣✣

She opened her illuminating, green eyes, seeing a figure across the way. She knew what this was. She was having another vision. There, a man stood, his long, jet black hair flowing with the wind where it was held away from his face with a green headband. Underneath his right eye showed a tattoo printed as a red cross. She didn’t know what this vision meant, but she was curious to know why she had a vision of a man she has never seen before. Before she could see anything else about him, her vision went blurry, everything going black once again.

Filianna heard the sound of her father’s voice, screaming out to her. She opened her eyes slowly, seeing her father holding her body. She figured she must’ve collapsed from the vision she had.

“Are you alright, daughter?”

“Yes…” Filianna released herself from her father’s grasp and started to head out of the throne room. “I will be heading to my room now.” As soon as she walked outside, she looked up, the stars shining brightly in the night sky. She thought about her vision. “Another vision. Who was that man anyways…?”


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Thu May 10, 2018 5:05 pm
TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Hello Kanome! Here for your requested review! I have(*had on Friday) some time to burn on a road trip so let’s get right to this, shall we? c: I’m going to be brutally honest with you in this review, so be prepared.

Characters
I know this is only the first chapter, but I want to know more about Filianna! So far, she has only said about two sentences and two “yes” and we don’t really know her thoughts or emotions yet (also remembering that you said she doesn’t express her true feelings). But without her thoughts or emotions, she seems robotic and unreal. No characterization has really happened yet in this chapter, and the first chapter is the most important one because it’s where you gain a reader or lose one. I don’t feel like I’m connecting to Filianna like I should be. Her father seems more real, though.

Plot
Plot is a little bland, but I don’t see any plot holes yet. Not much is going on tbh. What I’m getting is Fillianna has to go on a mission to marry this noble so she talks to her father and then she has a vision. I’m being brutally honest here, a pretty boring first chapter. If I picked this up off a shelf and read the first chapter to see if I wanted to read more, I would probably put down the book now.

Pacing
Honestly? A pretty slow first chapter. I am guilty of this myself, but there’s no action or dilemma to draw me into the story and leave me wondering what happens next and making me turn the page. The only slight dilemma I see is Filianna having to marry this noble in the other village, but she seems set apart from that. I know she has to marry him to save her village, but you give me no hints as to if she is happy to do this or loathes it. She treats it as a mission she must do and dismisses it there. Not much of a dilemma the way you’re putting it.

Setting
You don’t describe too much about the setting, which is good. If I had to choose if you described too much or too little, I would say too little, but that’s not entirely true. There’s just enough for me to picture this chapter and the setting they are in, so you did good here!

Introduction
I know I went over this before, but there’s no hook to pull me into the novel. Or very little at least. There is, however, no info dumps, which I appreciate very much. I don’t want to sound like a broken record, so I’m not going to do much here.

Overall, it’s a pretty good chapter. I haven’t read the original one, so I can’t say whether it’s better or not, but I’m sure it is. Anyways, hope this was helpful and keep writing! c:
~Cat




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Fri May 04, 2018 12:25 am
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fraey wrote a review...



Hey there Kanome! Finally got around to a little free time, so here I am to review this work!

First Thoughts:

I'm a sucker for anything in third person, especially if it's adventure/fantasy, so you've already drawn me in more than this chapter had previously. I think that you can really use this to your advantage by adding to the background and such, and not just sounding like the main character is droning on about her surroundings.

Characters:

Although I think I talked about her last review, I’d like to talk about Filianna again. I like her commitment to serving her people, but I feel that

Take this quote as an example:

Filianna was never the one who expressed her true feelings. She knew that she had to complete this task in order to help her village grow.


Here, I like the opening line and I want to see more like that! However, the next line thrusts the reader into a completely different situation, which can be a little jarring.

Getting some insight into how Filianna feels is pretty sweet, and I’d love to see an extension from her admitting to acting emotionless. You have a good opportunity to reveal her plight to the reader and draw out some sympathy to even lure them into reading this chapter further.

For instance, you could weave in a portion of her discussing the merits of marrying some stranger after a six month journey, or even the struggles she still feels right before the start of her travels. This way, the reader can feel more connected to the main character from the very beginning.

And, I don’t think you need the second line in this quote, because you show that point by talking about the lack of resources and such.

Plot/Setting:

I’d like to start off with this quote:
The village was scarce, conserving the last of its resources to the women and children. Her father hoped to unite the village with another faraway, creating peace and prosperity, in hopes of having resources to sustain his homeland.


So, I like the portion of
The village was scarce.

But, I’d like to see you add in details to prove that point. Instead of
conserving the last of its resources
maybe you could add that idea at the beginning. For example, you could even reference the few resources in something like
She wished she didn’t have to leave, but this was her only chance to save her people.
Here, you invite the reader to learn of what could plague a village to find it necessary to send the chief's daughter to a stranger.

In addition, the vision idea is definitely interesting, and I can’t wait to see how you can use that to literally foreshadow but also get the reader excited for what’s to come.

Overall:

I like this chapter. There are a few things you can tweak to really lure in your reader, but I’m excited to see where you take this journey this time! I’d love to be tagged for future chapters, so I can at least somewhat regularly review XD.

--- Kille




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Wed May 02, 2018 8:20 pm
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Blueflood wrote a review...



Hailo, Kanome!
Being new, I haven't seen your previous chapter. However, I can tell you now that this revised one has a lot of potential! You set the exposition in a simple, comprehensible manner. Here are some suggestions I have!

Father's formality:
The way you described the father gave me an image of a man who sets his people over his (or his family's) comfort. Though I think the father calling his daughter "daughter" all the time may be a bit too formal. I suppose I would understand if it's in public, but even when they were by themselves the father continues to address the daughter this way. Even the most disconnected families address each other by their names, but that's just me.

Verbs:
I recommend using some vivid verbs in place of telling words. For example, "Gillian spoke out with such concern in his voice". This sentence could have body language to express concern of nervousness, his dialogue could stutter, you could say that he was sweating to emphasize his nervousness, and so on.

Different approach:
Perhaps you could let the readers know she's on a mission through dialogue or the speaker's thoughts instead of just setting it plainly. For instance, instead of saying "Her mission was to marry a noble in the designated village, in order to help her people." you could make the main character have a conversation with her best friend to set the exposition:
"Marry the noble, save the village, marry the noble, save the village, how many times do we have to go over this?"
"Filianna, I know your tired but you have to make sure you have this ingrained-"
"It is ingrained! I'm just... I'm tired of this, just get me on the horse, there's no need to speak of this for another day."

Overall, I think this piece will be a great starting point for a book. Looking forward to the next chapter! Groot joob!




Kanome says...


Lel. The original was in first person. So the character's thoughts and dialogue was in that one. I can show you. It's just that the original writing was something I was not satisfied with.



Blueflood says...


I sea! Whale, you can also add the main character's thoughts in third person as well. Originals tend to be the ones we erase and edit the most, but I like the piece you created. c:



Kanome says...


Awh thank you! I will keep your advice in mind.




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein