Young Writers Society

Hello Kanome! Here for your requested review! I have(*had on Friday) some time to burn on a road trip so let’s get right to this, shall we? c: I’m going to be brutally honest with you in this review, so be prepared.

Characters
I know this is only the first chapter, but I want to know more about Filianna! So far, she has only said about two sentences and two “yes” and we don’t really know her thoughts or emotions yet (also remembering that you said she doesn’t express her true feelings). But without her thoughts or emotions, she seems robotic and unreal. No characterization has really happened yet in this chapter, and the first chapter is the most important one because it’s where you gain a reader or lose one. I don’t feel like I’m connecting to Filianna like I should be. Her father seems more real, though.

Plot
Plot is a little bland, but I don’t see any plot holes yet. Not much is going on tbh. What I’m getting is Fillianna has to go on a mission to marry this noble so she talks to her father and then she has a vision. I’m being brutally honest here, a pretty boring first chapter. If I picked this up off a shelf and read the first chapter to see if I wanted to read more, I would probably put down the book now.

Pacing
Honestly? A pretty slow first chapter. I am guilty of this myself, but there’s no action or dilemma to draw me into the story and leave me wondering what happens next and making me turn the page. The only slight dilemma I see is Filianna having to marry this noble in the other village, but she seems set apart from that. I know she has to marry him to save her village, but you give me no hints as to if she is happy to do this or loathes it. She treats it as a mission she must do and dismisses it there. Not much of a dilemma the way you’re putting it.

Setting
You don’t describe too much about the setting, which is good. If I had to choose if you described too much or too little, I would say too little, but that’s not entirely true. There’s just enough for me to picture this chapter and the setting they are in, so you did good here!

Introduction
I know I went over this before, but there’s no hook to pull me into the novel. Or very little at least. There is, however, no info dumps, which I appreciate very much. I don’t want to sound like a broken record, so I’m not going to do much here.

Overall, it’s a pretty good chapter. I haven’t read the original one, so I can’t say whether it’s better or not, but I’m sure it is. Anyways, hope this was helpful and keep writing! c:
~Cat

Hey there Kanome! Finally got around to a little free time, so here I am to review this work!

First Thoughts:

I'm a sucker for anything in third person, especially if it's adventure/fantasy, so you've already drawn me in more than this chapter had previously. I think that you can really use this to your advantage by adding to the background and such, and not just sounding like the main character is droning on about her surroundings.

Characters:

Although I think I talked about her last review, I’d like to talk about Filianna again. I like her commitment to serving her people, but I feel that

Take this quote as an example:

Filianna was never the one who expressed her true feelings. She knew that she had to complete this task in order to help her village grow.

The village was scarce, conserving the last of its resources to the women and children. Her father hoped to unite the village with another faraway, creating peace and prosperity, in hopes of having resources to sustain his homeland.

The village was scarce.

conserving the last of its resources

She wished she didn’t have to leave, but this was her only chance to save her people.

Hailo, Kanome!
Being new, I haven't seen your previous chapter. However, I can tell you now that this revised one has a lot of potential! You set the exposition in a simple, comprehensible manner. Here are some suggestions I have!

Father's formality:
The way you described the father gave me an image of a man who sets his people over his (or his family's) comfort. Though I think the father calling his daughter "daughter" all the time may be a bit too formal. I suppose I would understand if it's in public, but even when they were by themselves the father continues to address the daughter this way. Even the most disconnected families address each other by their names, but that's just me.

Verbs:
I recommend using some vivid verbs in place of telling words. For example, "Gillian spoke out with such concern in his voice". This sentence could have body language to express concern of nervousness, his dialogue could stutter, you could say that he was sweating to emphasize his nervousness, and so on.

Different approach:
Perhaps you could let the readers know she's on a mission through dialogue or the speaker's thoughts instead of just setting it plainly. For instance, instead of saying "Her mission was to marry a noble in the designated village, in order to help her people." you could make the main character have a conversation with her best friend to set the exposition:
"Marry the noble, save the village, marry the noble, save the village, how many times do we have to go over this?"
"Filianna, I know your tired but you have to make sure you have this ingrained-"
"It is ingrained! I'm just... I'm tired of this, just get me on the horse, there's no need to speak of this for another day."

Overall, I think this piece will be a great starting point for a book. Looking forward to the next chapter! Groot joob!