Young Writers Society

Hey Kanome! Danni here for a review!

First off, wow! This is an amazing beginning. Did he really murder his parents and just has no recollection? Or was he framed?

Secondly, in chapter five, you display Ledan's parents as kind and loving, and Ledan also loves them. Here, you say they abused him. I am confused. Did they start off as caring parents then began to abuse him?

I can't wait to find out what happened next!

Danni x

Hey there Kanome! as promised, I reviewed Chapter five work but was lost in the plot because I start the story out of nowhere. So here I am, to where it all began.

I think it nothing, but just a voice out. You have great description and bombastic phrases. But there's a drop when the sentence "outside is bad."

After a "," comma. there shouldn't be a capital letter.

Pain and agony in my heart. I lost my mind; it went blank. the ; change to a . It's a new sentence. Because the first is about heart and your second is about the mind.

Just my opinion, just something about my style. The ending wasn't as drastic. If the prologue ended by "murdering your own parents." Hella lot more drastic ending. You can describe the feeling by reminiscing or retelling to some cellmate. But there is a need to describe his feeling towards his parents, about getting sick of the torture, can be said before he woken up.

Final say, I love the emotions, it's raw and pure of confusion and anger. Ledan didn't try to act cool and all-knowing. This is refreshing!

So, it was a prison, I really did thought it was some kind of a library. My honest mistake!

That's it for now, off to chapter one I go.

Hey there! Well, like Brunnera below, I found out about your work through Adopt A Novel and decided to adopt it. You'll be seeing more reviews from me from now on, it seems. I hope that whatever I write would be beneficial to you!

Now, for what I like about this prologue. I like how it hooks me to the story, wondering why the parents were that way, and how come no one really seemed to know there was something wrong going on in the Frienson household. I also want to know what happens to him from then on, being locked up in a jail cell and all, considering he was never allowed outside. The emotion was also raw, as I can see that he really does not know what's going on anymore. Good job on that!

As for things I could see that you could improve on, here they are, minus the things that has already been stated by Brunnera.

I never thought I would end up in this predicament, trapped inside surrounded by the sound of dripping water, the wind howling against my ear drums, so on… so on.

My parents always tell me outside is bad, it will only hurt you.

And, All I know is that I am always bruised from the neck down from my father, and my emotions are easily manipulated by my mother.

The man looked at the clipboard he was holding in his hand, staring intensely at the clipboard.

You are here for first degree murder. Ledan Frienson… murdering your own parents.

Hey, Kanome! I've adopted your novel because I saw it in Adopt A Novel, and really it was the only novel up for adoption that wasn't in the fantasy genre. I'll be reviewing the prologue now x3

In the first paragraph, I think there's a stray " at the beginning. It really confused me at first, because I was wondering why words spoken were so long, but then I realized it was actually the narrator's thoughts. You should erase the " so it doesn't cause any more confusion.

" And, [All I know is] that I am always bruised from the neck down from my father, "

The "All" shouldn't be in capital. It's slight, but very noticeable.

" Someone hit against the cell bar and I looked up, [seeing man in uniform.] "

The word 'a' should be put between 'seeing' and 'man', and before 'uniform'.

The grammatical errors, as far as I can detect them, ends there. But I do have some comments about the whole draft.

First off, the way this story starts is, without doubt, very interesting. Nothing grips the reader better than mystery and agonizing suspense because of not knowing a thing.

The way you've written everything as good, but it lacked the proper description and imagery that would actually get a reader INTO the narrator's eyes, you understand?

It was basically just a telling of the whole thing, just describing to the reader in simple sentences what everything looked like, and what the reader felt. There was no actual paragraph that forcibly pulled me into the situation.

When one reads, one always wants to know what its like to be in the character's shoes. Especially since you're writing in first-person narrative, the element of getting the reader into Ledan's eyes is very, very important.

Okay, for example, the cell. You only tell me it's a jail cell. Nothing else? Just a jail cell? What about the walls? The floor? The metal bars? The smell of the atmosphere? The amount of light? I only have a vague impression of this confined space, so I don't really feel the anticipation and curiosity you want me to feel.

" I woke up in a cell, wearing an orange jumpsuit, feeling like a prisoner. Someone hit against the cell bar and I looked up, seeing man in uniform. A security uniform. I looked down at my hands, seeing dry blood splattered all over my arms. What happened to me? "

This is a major point near the start of the chapter, but it has no powerful impact. Especially the parts,

" (...) Someone hit against the cell bar and I looked up, seeing man in uniform. A security uniform. I looked down at my hands, seeing dry blood splattered all over my arms. (...) "

Read it aloud, and you will find the way you have described the two separate things are repetitive. Comma, 'seeing', comma, 'seeing'. It drains away the shock and awe a reader is supposed to have.

If you alter the paragraph, change it to something more...dramatic, more detailed, it would be a really nice slap in the face for the reader.

" I woke up, lying face-down in a jail cell. Discovering that I was draped in an orange jumpsuit, I felt like a prisoner, and looked around, dumbfounded until, suddenly, a startlingly loud clank of metal shrilled through the air, as a result of somebody hitting on the rusty jail bars. Turning around, a tall, stern-faced man stood by the entrance, staring intensely at the clipboard in his hands.

"You must be Ledan Frienson," he said, glaring at me his menacing eyes.

Confusion crowded my chest as a million thoughts ran through my mind. 'What is going on? Why am I covered in blood? Why am I in a place like this? ' "

It's a little long, but it's all worth it, since it totally captures the reader into Ledan's situation. It's exciting, but adding imagery and details, no matter how small they are, give the reader a realistic view of the place and so on.

I'll advise improving more on the imagery and description, and reducing the use of 'I' as much as possible. It's difficult, I know, but you can make it work, I'm sure!

By the way, I love your character's name! Ledan Frienson. It rolls off the tongue.

~Brunnera

Hiya Kanome! I saw this is in Adopt a Novel, so I thought I'd review x3

Well, firstly, this is quite short, so this review probably won't be that long too. What I liked about this is the ending as it was really unexpected, and it makes me want to read more. I like how the MC is completely unaware of their actions until the guard tells them, it makes it really interesting an intriguing.

Okay, so I think that this needs to include more of the MC's thoughts, because this is something incredibly huge! Starting when he notices the orange jumpsuit on him, he should starts questioning his actions, what he possible could've done. He might be thinking of smaller crimes such as accidental theft, peeing in public (sounds silly but a lot of people do it) or just something. I think he should be questioning his environment more.

Also, when the person tells him he is a murderer, I think you need to show more shock. Think about how you'd feel, and then think about that is relation to your character. I mean, you know them best, how would they react?

The last thing I wanted to mention is some descriptions. I feel like there is quite a lack in descriptions right now, and there could be loads more. Especially of the jail cell. I think that this is something that should be explained loads, like the bare walls and the general coldness of it all. (Not temp. wise, but just a cold sort of atmosphere) is what I imagine with a jail cell.

Overall, this was really good! It was really intriguing. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything, but right now I'm off to read the next chapter!

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x

I have edited this chapter. (or prologue...) Read if you wish.
Thank you to the ones who had suggested their opinions for my story c:

@ReisePiecey
@Skydreamer

Hey, Kanome!

I've finally got around to reviewing your story. It only took Review Day to whip me into shape.

#00BF00 ">The sounds of dripping water, being trapped inside, the wind howling against my ear drums...

"All I know is that I am"
"I woke up in a cell"

I felt confused.

parents ways of hurting me

Okay, Kanome! : )

I'm gonna try to break this down for you as much as possible because this is short so I can. The words in bold I added. And blue are comments.

I never thought I would end up in this predicament. The sounds sound of dripping water, being trapped inside,trapped inside what? I understand the want to be scarce, but it's best to leave a little knowledge for the reader to know what's going on the wind howling against my ear drums, so on… so on… The "so on..." is unnecessary, what did you mean by that? Did you mean, on and on, or did you mean, and similar things like that? Try to rephrase it a bit differently. And without ellipses (...)

I was never allowed outside, to have fun, to be myself, or anything. Here you have a change of tense, it seems to be going back to the past when you were talking about the present. There was no transition for this, so it can take a reader off guard. My parents always tell me the outside is bad, it will only hurt you. Now you're back to present tense with the "tell me" it should be "told me" and instead of "is "was". Also again this is a shift in story without a warning. I didn't know what that meant, or why they said it. (But I know this,) I was trapped in a home full of monsters. I don't understand this. Maybe transition to this point more smoothly. Like what I added in the bold.

And, All I know is that I am always bruised from the neck down from my father, and my emotions are easily manipulated by my mother. I always wondered if this that is how all children felt with their parents. I felt so much pain and agony in my heart; I lost my mind, gone it went blank. This quote was good so far, just a few corrections with grammar. I would suggest you have someone look over this before posting it. ^^

I woke up in a cell, wearing an orange jumpsuit, feeling like a prisoner. Someone hit against the cell bar, and I looked up, seeing man in uniform. A security uniform. I looked down at my hands, seeing dry blood splattered all over my arms. What has happened to me?

The man looked at the clipboard he was holding in his hand, staring intensely at the clipboard. “You must be Ledan Frienson.” The man glared at me with such cold eyes. "such" is what I like to call an "extra" it is not really needed. I felt confused. What is going on? Why am I covered in blood? Why am I in a place like this? A note. Try to put thoughts in italics so that the reader knows exactly what are the thoughts, and the narration. Although it's up to you ultimately, but usually thoughts should be represented in some way, shape, or form.

The man laughed hysterically, thinking I was being dumb or something like that. I suggest your narrator be confident in what is going around him. Also, as a writer, it is more formal and proper? I guess, if you don't add, "or something like that" "or kind of" if you want to represent him being unsure, I suggest you do something like: "thinking possibly that I was being stupid." There are occasions when that's okay (technically it's always okay) but just so you know, it doesn't quite sound right. Especially because of your narrators situation. “You are here for first degree murder. Ledan Frienson… murdering your own parents.”

My eyes widened as I got on my knees, my head pounding at the statement he just made. I don’t remember doing that. I remember getting sick and tired of my parents’ ways of hurting me, but I don’t remember murdering them. As I kept trying to figure out what was going on, I started to scream, feeling scared and alone.

All I know is, is that I am going to be inside a cell for a really, really long time.