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16+

I pray

by Kanome


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Cutting through the cold skin,

Bleeding out warmth.

Darkness controls over,

as my light descends.

Innocence gone,

mind filled with despair.

World turns on me,

For I have done horrible, even though... I have not.

I pray,

no answer comes.

I pray,

no miracle comes.

Falling down from my path,

eyes bloodshot as I am fueled with power

unimaginable.

Lying down on my bed,

needles surrounding me.

Dizziness from my liquid obsession,

sickness all around.

The world against me,

for I am not longed.

I pray,

no answer comes.

I pray,

no miracle comes.

I pray... I am gone.


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Random avatar

Points: 4091
Reviews: 118

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Sat Apr 04, 2015 9:50 am
Reet3103 wrote a review...



This was really good, honestly. In for a review, here I go!

I like the way you've described emotions here. The way you've caught the rhythm.

"I pray,

no answer comes.

I pray,

no miracle comes."

I really thought that this line, being the repetitive one, was simple. Too simple. Well it has its own charm and it did catch my eye. I really like the needles and liquid part, well expressed. Kudos!

I pray...I am gone. This somehow didn't fit in all too well, you could've added to it by using effective words. Here, the ending was weak though I enjoyed the beginning. Add some music to this and tada! Good job.

Keep writing and keep smiling.

xo




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173 Reviews


Points: 9984
Reviews: 173

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Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:24 am
donizback wrote a review...



Guess what!
I am here for a review. And I hope it would benefit you :) So, should we start? Okay!

Lyrics? Did you see the format of how it is presented? I think you missed the tricked here! Try looking at how the lyrics are presented on itunes, maybe! I don't know. Just look at something reputable and you'll do better the, with the presentation, the next time you happen to write any lyrics.

Other than that, it was good! I notice that it is like the first time you wrote lyrics (am I right?) so I do expect to see you making some mistakes - it's not a problem! You'll do better as you start to write more and more.

One thing to note is that you could have made it a little rhyming - at least I think the rhyming songs are really cute. You can disagree with me! That's totally fine.

Overall, as a beginner, it wasn't bad. I still see you improving a lot on your format, structure and punctuation. The idea was there and I see you getting better at it.

Keep writing because you are really good at it. I hope to read and review more of your stuff too :)

So, for now, I'll sign off. Good luck and have a nice day.




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35 Reviews


Points: 194
Reviews: 35

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Mon Mar 23, 2015 8:33 pm
SilloriaD wrote a review...



Hello there!
Before I get into my critiquing, I would like to take a moment to say that, if you are in this mental state, I am sorry that it happened to you. This poem radiates feeling lost, forgotten, and depressed. I understand all of those. If this is the place where you are at, I hope it gets better soon.

Onto the reviewing and critiquing!

First of all, my picky inner editor wants to attack yours. You should be capitalizing the first letter of the first word of every line! Try to fix that! Also, you should probably consider adding a bridge and another chorus before ending it. I'd also suggest separating out your verses and your choruses a bit. they're all smooshed- which is apparently not a word, and I've been using it my entire life- together. We need to let them have their own personal space!

Keep writing!





Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening