Prologue
A/N: It's been a while since I last wrote a novel. So please, don't judge too harshly. Thank you.
I held the one piece of memory I had of him. I couldn’t remember his face, or the other memories we shared, but I do remember the sound of his voice. The piece of memory I held close to my chest, praying to see him once again: To see his face, to hear his laughter, to know his heart. I looked down at the piece of memory, which was a small pendant, shaped as the Moon. I smiled at the pendant, thinking that maybe one day, I would meet him once again.
I kept thinking to myself, trying to picture what our lives would be like after we meet. All I have is the memory of his voice, so it’s hard to locate him, especially when I can’t go out much like I used to, due to my disease. The illness made me blind, changing my life completely around. I don’t know why I was chosen to carry such a disease. Having Trachoma, is something I don’t like to think about. I won’t be able to see my parents, my precious little sister, or even him.
I would do anything to be able to see again. Anything.
“Kaie, it’s time for dinner.” I heard my mother walk into my bedroom. I could tell that her voice sounded depressing. Probably because of the way I am right now. I stood up from the chair I was sitting in, placing the pendant on the desk next to it. I held my hand out, begging for my mother to guide me to the kitchen. Mother grabbed my hand gently. I could feel her hand shaking. I hate carrying such a burden towards her. My own mother, who I cherish.
“I’m sorry…”
“Honey, no reason to apologize. I told you, it’s not your fault.”
Then why do I always feel like a complete failure?
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140,415 Literary Works • 673,176 Reviews
AnimalQueen here! Angel tears seems like an amazing noval, from what I've read. Whenever there's some kind of humongous injury/illness involved, or the main character in a book is terribly misunderstood, you can bet your life that I'm going to read it!
You can't have a story without a problem, so the way I see it, the bigger the problem, the better the story! I honestly have no idea what I would do without my eyesight. The world is filled to the brim with beauty, and I never want to miss any of it. If I could choose between being blind and deaf, I would choose deaf.
The only problem I have with this is
"Kaie, it's time for dinner."
Did you mean Katie, by any chance?
The ending of the chapter made me think. I used to not understand why people blamed themselves for things that weren't there fault. I didn't realize that in cases were a person is the victim, there told over and over again that they are to blame, and this goes to the head after a while. And when a disaster is just random bad luck, they want someone to blame, and so they choose themselves.
I also wonder about this mysterious "him." Is he a deceased or lost boyfriend? I am eager to find out. That's all for now, and I wish you the best of luck with your story.
AnimalQueen out!
Do you know how long it's been since I've written this? xD Anywho, thanks for the review! Her name is Kaie. When it comes to writing stories, I go for the more unique and/or original names. I might continue this for you. Maybe. We shall see.
Timmy heeeere, as requested. :3
So this was a short prologue, and a short beginning to a novel. But that didn't make it any less than what it was. Your writing style is wonderful, and flows with no obstructions. Your pacing is perfect (to me, anyway). And your grammar and punctuation are perfect, too - from this first read of your piece. thank you thank you thank you. Now I can read and review without pointing out all of the small mistakes that usually go with writing (like my pieces. xD)
So the biggest problem I have with this piece, and basically the only problem I have with it, is that this is a prologue. It seems as though everyone, when they begin their novel, starts off with a prologue. I began with one. Out of the fourteen thousand novels I am following on YWS, most of them are, as well. Whenever you get the urge or temptation to write a prologue, the best thing to do is skip over it and continue on to the first chapter. To be honest, I have skipped over almost every prologue when I read books because they tend to give you either useless information, are dry and boring, or are an attempted introduction to the story. On YWS, I have noticed many of the prologues are actually chapter one and should be labeled as such. From how I read this piece, I think if you had put chapter one on the top, it would have read smoothly and there wouldn't have seemed a need for a prologue. However, in the end it is your choice. This article by Flite will help you decide whether your prologue is a legitimate one or should be labeled as the first chapter. Read through, see her reasons why and why not - decide for yourself. c:
This is such a perfect piece, it feels odd to be critiquing such a miniscule thing. But, To shouldn't have been capitalized - even though Mic Word does it to me every time. heehee
As for the blindness and the disease, well, while I appreciated being informed of this in the first bits of the piece so I don't get confused, how you told the reader made me think of an info-dump. How you're just telling us the MC is blind, and not showing us through her actions - which is basically the best way of doing almost everything. And when I read through, you did a fair job of showing us she was blind - by how she held her hand out to her mother to lead the way, and all that. But it seemed as though you wanted to do information hand-outs to the reader. Tell us she is blind, yeah. Do it do it do it. But I think you could weed out quite a bit of the information you give to us in the part and insert it more conservatively throughout the following chapters (such as the disease). Just look at it, see what you need to introduce the blindness to the reader, and cut out everything else to be used at a later date. All you want to do in this first part is to familiarize the reader with her state, and bring in the other parts later on in the story to inform them completely. I do love the idea of the blindness, though. Perfect perfect perfect. I am reviewing another novel where a blind person is the Protagonist (I could introduce you if you have questions or whatnot), and it's always fun to see the story from that very much different perspective. So, another element of your story I am a big fan of. c:
The other reviewer mentioned this, as well. Just going to clarify. could tell read clunky, set apart from the lovely flow of your piece. I would write this as: Her voice sounded depressing. Seeing as though she can't see anything at all, I would use sounds and smells to your best advantage as we go through the piece. Especially since she can't see anything (which is the biggest sense for us people with descriptions), you have to implement the others all the more. I think you've done a good job of it so far - not an excellent job, but a good one. Your abilities at describing things in this different way will improve over time, I think. Just work at implementing all the other senses into your descriptions - the feel of your mother's hands (like the shaking), how the room feels around her, the smells of the food. I have even heard that blind people can sense changes in their environment. Just something to think about when you describe in the future. You did a very good job in this bit, but I know you can do better. c:
I think I have run out of things to say. This was a beautiful piece, and written so well. I enjoyed the plot you have so far (even though I can tell this is only the small beginnings), but you know what I love more than all that? The characters - yup. Kaie is an amazing POV to come from, especially because she is blind. And I love her voice and style of writing. Very well done. I will want updates with this novel.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi, Kanome!!,
So, I only have one little nitpick.
Now, my nitpick is that I would rather like this to be I could tell in her voice that she was depressed or something such as this. It just sounds better that way.
Other than that, great job! I really love this and hope to read more soon!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Hi there!
So... your MC's name is really, really cool. I enjoy reading about people with "different than the norm" names. It really sets them apart and makes me believe that they're part of this story. And I just really like cool names ^_^
I have just one nitpick for you:
There doesn't need to be 'to' in front of everything after the colon because you've already said 'to see him again'. That's what you're focusing on: the girl seeing him again. So it would make sense to just list what she wants to see after the colon. Also (since you did it in this sentence I figured you might not know) you don't have to capitalize the first word after the colon. It's the same rule that applies with commas and semi-colons. It's all part of the same sentence. You wouldn't capitalize a random word in the middle of a sentence. That's how I remember it.
This is going to be a short review because there's really not much here to talk about. Which is fine, really. A short prologue is always better than a lengthy one in my opinion. I'd rather get a bit of information so I have to read on to find out more than be told too much and then be -- for lack of better term -- bored in the first few chapters.
It's always hard to write from the perspective of a blind character. Obviously, seeing as you most likely have never been blind or not been able to see. So you're trying to write something from the perspective of someone with a problem that you have never suffered from. So far, you've done a good job with it. You've already started showing us how your character taps into her other senses in order to understand what's going on around her. I especially like how you make the mother seem upset about this too. I would expect that any parent of a blind child, especially one who wasn't born blind, would have a hard time. I'm looking forward to seeing her reactions throughout the novel.
You've really given us a good introduction here. We know who the main character is, what's going to hold her back, and what she's aiming to accomplish -- in this case, this boy. These are the kind of prologues that I like, like I mentioned earlier. I look forward to learning more about her backstory in later chapters. I would've been a bit deterred if you had given us all the answers in one go. You've given us just enough information to keep us informed, but not enough for us to feel like we know everything.
Let me know when you post the first chapter. I want to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you c: it's a work in progress so a little advice would help alot.
Hello, I'm rissymay here for a review:
It's very interesting how your MC is blind. Not often do you read about a blind person...
concerning the last line: perhaps you could write something leading up to this statement? maybe give a few examples of this. I feel like it's not as impacting if we don't have some proof that she feels like a failure.
I'm curious about Pendant Male (I'm just gonna call him that)- my first guess is that he's a significant other to the MC. He could be other things, too.
Just try to make sure that it's not a cliche relationship... change something about it that gives it a twist. otherwise readers might think it's just another love story.
I think you have something good started here and can definitely make it something that's really cool. Could you tell me when you put chapter one up, so I can read it? I'm interested in what's gonna happen next
-rissymay
I am going to be writing the first chapter tonight and posting it the next day c:
I am going to be writing the first chapter tonight and posting it the next day c:
I am going to be writing the first chapter tonight and posting it the next day c:
This is pretty good! I think it is depressing, but a good idea. If it were up to me, I would make it longer, and explain more. Who is the guys she wants to see so badly? How did she get this disease?
When did she get it? I think this is a great beginning, and there should be more to it. also big question- Why is the pendant to important? I think that it is cool how that was in there, and the detail with that. Oh, and if this is part of a story I have not read yet, then I must sound stupid- but if not, this is my opinion! Overall- Great job! Keep Writing!
This is pretty good! I think it is depressing, but a good idea. If it were up to me, I would make it longer, and explain more. Who is the guys she wants to see so badly? How did she get this disease?
When did she get it? I think this is a great beginning, and there should be more to it. also big question- Why is the pendant to important? I think that it is cool how that was in there, and the detail with that. Oh, and if this is part of a story I have not read yet, then I must sound stupid- but if not, this is my opinion! Overall- Great job! Keep Writing!
um hi I like
Hey, my name is Sam and I really like this so far. Unlike others who post a lot more in reviews, I don't know much about stuff like this. But you do need to update this because I'm already hooked, but other than that yea... Anyways good luck on the updates, and I will definitely read on from here. You did a really good job on grammar and punctuation from what I see, so good job on that. Many people mess up on that like me oviously.
-Sam