Published November 26, 2011
A/N: Cheers.
I found myself
stretched and pressed
to sidewalk pavements
like flowers or nerves cracked
between paper pages
And I’ve told myself
(again and again)
that the day I’d
find you drowning by the riverside;
I’d break tooth and arm to
crack open pearls with words.
Your words, to be exact,
hooked in your throat.
There’s nothing more
beautiful than someone
half frozen and blued
at the heart sitting between
rocks and rapids with
splinters in their fingers
murmuring that maybe
we found something special in our veins
and it’ll be the closest we ever get to flying.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Wow! I like the words you used and the rhythm of your poem
Thumbs up! Keep writing. Thanks for the poem, by the way.
Hello, Kamas! I checked out your poem when you first posted it but wasn't sure I had much to say. Something told me I should swing by again.
These lines are great, but they could be more meaningful if they had context, as of now they feel a little tacked on. Lines build on past lines and these ones need something to stand on. They do create an interesting tone for the following lines, though.
Why is "And" capitalized? Is that a style thing? Semi-colon is too much.
I like the way you introduce the person of interest. "Your words, to be exact," has that aforementioned "crack" to it as well.
The speaker is infused with a convincing pathos in this stanza. I think it's the best stanza of your poem. It's wound tight as a fuse but when it burns through the reader is graced with that last line. This stanza carries the conflict to the forefront both in the flow and the imagery quite nicely. Overall great job, I love not having to make grammar corrections.
P.S. I don't know if you intended to evoke this, but I can't help but ponder if this poem has anything to do with drugs... :p
HI!
The last two lines I found particularly gripping- very clever! The rythme was good and it is clear that you have your own style of line structure which I have no problem with. However, at times, your choice of words, for me, seemed to disturb the flow a little bit and felt a little out of sync with the tone of the poem (eg: "hooked", "to be exact"). Also, you used 'cracked' and 'crack' in the same verse- no biggy but consider using a different word would be my advice. That's really all I have to comment on- nothing big, just things to think about. Over-all, I quite enjoyed reading this poem and I hope to read more of your work in the future! 
Nice poem you have here
-Blossom
Wow, I have so much to say about this piece!!! first off, amazing....just amazing. I have much more to say than that so here I go
The last couple lines were fantastic!!!
Thanks for writing such an amazing poem
Keep writing
SnowBerry
Kamas!<5
On with the review!
I've always admired the flow and word choice in your poetry. It not only always sounds pretty, but it actually means something and you never come across like you're trying too hard. I've always respected you, both as a writer and as a person, and poems like this are just small reasons why.
But enough pontification about how wonderful you are.
I love the way "stretched and pressed" sounds, and I like how it alliterates slightly with "sidewalk pavements."
I don't understand the use of that semicolon after "riverside." I think a comma would be better, as the semicolon creates too much of a pause.
I don't really that statement. It justs sounds a bit pretentious and I think you could come up with a more effective and original way to get your point across.
I love this. I always found it nice when a poem ends as nicely as it begins, especially since I have a problem with endings.
So obviously I loved this and I'm going to go ahead and *like* it now.
This was a gorgeous poem and you did an amazing job! My favorite part was "we found something special in our veins, and it'll be the closest we ever get to flying". Overall, you did an outstanding job and I cannot find anything wrong with this poem that has not already been said before. Congratulations on the feature, by the way, and you you deserved it!
Kamas,
I told you my initial thoughts, and now that I am re-reading this in complete silence with my focus intact, I'm wondering how I ever got confused in the first place, since it's actually written quite straight-forward(ly), or at least the meaning is in tact. But I love this a lot. The voice and the passion behind it, and this:
It all sounds very beautiful. I get the sense that this love for the spoken word is equated to the love felt for somebody; and we'd all kill for that elation.
The stanzas in the poems intrigue me. Stanza 1 has the speaker trapped in the pavement, and stanza 2 has somebody between rocks and rapids. They're all very grounded. Very nice ending.
~ as always, Audy
WOOOOW a poem that makes the reader never want to stop reading! Congrats! I love the flow and stanza structure of your poem! My only criticism is to review some of your words like ; hooked, for something a lil stronger....maybe caught in your throat? Because it is a short poem make sure each word has a purpose and deserves to be there! Otherwise it is honestly a beautiful piece and I may have teared up a bit!
*poof*
I have arrived!
[quote]
I found myself
stretched and pressed
to sidewalk pavements
like flowers or nerves cracked
between paper pages
And I’ve told myself
(again and again)
that the day I’d
find you drowning by the riverside;
I’d break tooth and arm to
crack open pearls with words.
Your words, to be exact,
hooked in your throat.
There’s nothing more
beautiful than someone
half frozen and blued
at the heart sitting between
rocks and rapids with
splinters in their fingers
murmuring that maybe
we found something special in our veins
and it’ll be the closest we ever get to flying.[quote]
I really liked the rhythm of this poem and the few half-rhymes that were present in the first few lines, however I think if you lull a reader into believing that what they're going to be reading is a rhyming poem, and then remove the expected rhyming scheme, it's slightly disappointing. However, I suspect I may have just presumed, and therefore you are in no wrong! Although, if I can misinterpret, then so can other readers.
A rather short review, I apologise as I really can't find anything particularly 'wrong' with this poem. I can say that you should avoid straying towards the trodden path when it comes to writing this kind of literature. Ideas of love are a difficult thing to be original with, since so many people have written about it. You did fairly well though.
One more constructive point I can make is that without a lot of time and hard-worked analysis, the reader will take away a completely different message from the one you intended as this is heavily metaphorical with no actual pointers to what you're thinking. And that sometimes makes for the greatest poetry!
I did indeed enjoy this poem, however some of the metaphors failed to connect with me as a person, and the personal message I received from this piece is slightly confused. Thanks for reading.
Wow ... I loved your use of of words and metaphors. It made for a truely beautiful poem. I just want to say that I do think you need some type of punctuation at the end of each line, a comma would work for most for yours.