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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
I, my, me, I, my, me.... That's the only thing that I had wrong with this. I love the whole idea, I thought the storyline was great! But, I lost interest halfway through because you droned on with the I, my, me, thing. I swear you can do better than that! Great piece, I must admit. Good writings!
Hi Kamas! I really enjoyed your take on this.
The fresh perspective was a lot of fun to read, but you have several errors in form and style that distract from the originality of this piece. Rosey has already pointed out several, but here are a couple more specifics to give you a better idea of what I mean:
I'd like to see a more gradual build-up to the panic here. I think this could be really funny if the rabbit started out with a reasonable worry, then began thinking of increasingly unlikely, horrifying things that could happen.
i.e. "I could feel panic creeping up on me, starting slowly, like it always did. I was going to miss my appointment. The receptionist would give my time slot to someone who had arrived on time. I would try to reschedule, but the doctor would be booked through next March. I'd take the earliest available appointment, but then he'd move away. Then the pharmaceutical company that provided my medication would shut down, and the key mineral in making the medicine would be bought up by a small nation overseas, and they would burn it in protest and then none of my medicine would ever be able to be produced again - ever - for all of eternity and my heart was going to explode and I would be dead tomorrow."
I never thought of the hare having obsessive-compulsive disorder, but that would be pretty friggin' hilarious. If he counted random things all thoughout that would be awesome.
For instance:
"I began to hop a little faster than my usual pace of thirty-three bounds per minute."
"I picked up the pace to thirty-nine bounds per minute. Only nine hundred, sixty-seven bounds to go."
Love it.
Just go all out; be absurdly specific.
ex: "Judging by the partially cloudy sky, I estimated that it was approximately 3:13 and 22 seconds in the afternoon, give or take a millisecond or so."
Overall, however, a fun piece to read. Don't rush through what could be really funny moments - give yourself time to be clever! You've got a lot of great ideas, so don't sacrifice them for the sake of having a shorter story.
Nice work.
Hi karmas my name is twilightgirl but people call me twigirl or v I like your story alot. It was written well. In the end you spelled behaviour when it's behavior. Other than that I thought was story was AWESOME. Keep writng
Kama! *runs and tackles kama* Hi!
Too many “my’s”! eek! My best recommendation is to get rid of the second ‘my’ (bolded) to help even things out.
I don’t really know what to say because most everyone has already devoured this pieces. Generally, I would freak out on you for just telling, but I like how you did it here. Showing in this situations would have been way too much of a story. The only thing I wish would have been brought up is that there isn’t any talk of the Cheshire Cat…the coolest Alice character of all.
You have an issue or two with punctuation here. The period at the end of your dialogue should be a comma, and where you placed a comma (I repeated to myself, one hundred times) sounds odd. I think you could make that "I repeated one hundred times to myself, to calm my nerves."
Also, you make it seem as though he's panicking about being late, but then you say he's telling himself "I'm going to be late" to calm himself down. How is that supposed to work? It goes against itself right there.
I think that "and" should become an "or". In this case, that's what it really should be. Because kidnapping and killing are not related to eating, it should be "or".
Your first comma you use right after "head" should really be a semi- colon instead.
I find that both of your commas are unneeded in this line, dear. It seems as though, with the commas, it just makes it sounds like your rhythm is disrupted, and, with the commas, it sounds like you are trying to create a certain type of emphasis. I find that it seems more emphasized even without the commas.
This would be an oddly- worded run-on. I think your last comma, the one after "suddenly" should be a period, and nothing after that. Which means deleting" I believe because she refused to retrieve my gloves." That is just an opinionated way of stating the obvious, and it doesn't sound right.
Numbers should be written out, like "thirty percent" and "twenty- three point six percent" instead of 23.6 and 30. Also! Where do you get these calculations from? not to mention, these sentences don't actually work in propelling the story forward. For instance, why is he thinking this? I think these things need a little more explanation.
You seem to be repeating one of your previous lines right here.
Starting here, there seems to be a problem. The rabbit was already the timekeeper to the Queen of Hearts. So, this goes against the actual story, and that's definitely not good. Not to mention, you're missing the whole scene with the croket! It's what made the queen say "off with her head".
Over- all stuff
Ok, also, in the beginning you start a lot of sentences with "I" and that can get repetitive. Also! I wanted to add. All dialogue needs to be in a new paragraph. Just letting you know, because it seems you have buried all the dialogue in the paragraphs themselves.
Another thing, you need to explain why the rabbit is thinking some things. Sometimes, we just don't get into that little rabbit's head well enough to see what he means by things. Be specific. Really get into it.
Well, I think that's it! Great job, though. I love Alice in Wonderland ^__^
~April
Alice in Wonderland has always been my favorite book. I also adored the Disney version of the film. I loved your parody. a bunch of people think that alice in wonderland is the authors acid trip. Lewis caroll was a MATHEMATICIAN IN THE 1800's! the never did drop acid. and a lot of people think that walt disney wrote it. Stupid blockheads. Thank you for this! i needed a laugh lol
Oh, Kamas, you are wonderful.
Hey there, June here, and I truly enjoyed this story.
I can't give a good review on this; I've been sitting here staring at this for the past 5 minutes, laughing occasionally at this. Wonderful, Kamas, wonderful.
I like that it was told in a storytelling voice rather than a showing voice; really added to the rabbit's paranoia. One could argue that you could stand to organize your ideas, but having everything in a rushed tone here really added to the rabbit's panic. Great job with that.
=] Nice work, Kamas. Keep it up!
Juniper
Hi Kamas!
Dialogue: All dialogue should be in it's own paragraph. So, lines like these:
Should be in their own paragraph. It would look like this (including the line above):
The dialogue punctuation is also a bit off. Check out this article for some tips.
Showing vs. telling: I noticed a lot of telling in here, which, done wrong, can get boring. Check out this article for some tips.
Length: This is pretty short for a condensation of Alice in Wonderland. I'd like to see it longer, with more time devoted to each segment. A full rewrite of the story would be pretty cool to read!
Miscelanous: Some miselanous things I've noticed throughout:
Since "panic disorder" isn't the name of a certain illness, it should not be capitalized.
~ It's not a good idea to put numbers in prose. Unless the number would take a long time to type out normally (like 3,984,872), type it out. This should be "one hundred" or "a hundred"
~ The whole "one hundred times" thing is confusing me. Why does he tell himself things that number of times? Why does he count the number of times he's told himself something?
I hope these comments will help you. I had a very hard time reading this because of the line-breaks, so this review wasn't as detailed as it could have been. Still, I believe I've given you enough to improve your edited version. ^_^
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey