Published May 25, 2011
A/N: Having some fun experimenting.
--
there's a kid
down the street to the left
who talks to ghosts
that sit under the peach tree
and whistle softly
all day.
and I sit down next to him
some days
and he tells me
how they
page books
all day and lick their fingertips
when the page won't turn.
They stick to this house
he'd say
like paint cracked on walls
and spines cracked
on books.
if I could bury a book
or let it sit,
something like a
tombstone
or a dog-eared copy
of some classic
you didn't like to read.
peach trees
and ink always has a tendency
to tickle out ghosts
from graves
and small chests
because some days ago
he broke open
his books
and his bones
and told me
the ghosts
get pretty loud
when they leak out.
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139,636 Literary Works • 672,636 Reviews
WHOOHOO KAMAS POEM
(Long stories make me go O.e)
I've been meaning to check out your work, and I like reviewing poems best, here. Not sure why, maybe it's the length.
However, I feel rather inadequate after MeanMrMustard's review..... a good thing? Because it makes me want to learn more.
.....aannnd now I feel like a silly noob with nothing to say other than "it was good, I liked it." I'm gonna go ahead and blame my 2:30 a.m. bedtime last night.
....why do the ghosts whistle?
My brain is ping-ponging. Blerch. I'd say I'll come back later, but I won't remember. I'm sorry.
Oh. Why is your capitalization inconsistent? (I just noticed that.) Examples:
^capitalized after period
^ Not capitalized
Okay, upon revision, it seems to be a one-line thing. You should prolly remove the capital T, then.
....why do the books draw out ghosts? Why would ghosts like books? How would they even hold them?
Aaaannnnd this has been an example of how I can give you a run for your money in the random nonsense department, even while trying to be serious. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Very neat, Kamas. I have a few stories about ghosts... none written down yet. I'm not a poetry critic, but I liked this lots.
Complete line deconstruction paired with flowing stream of consciousness. Very ballsy experiment.
So is this a poem or a story? Simple answer: an experimental poem. An impression of an experience, with usage of personal pronouns to create a semblance of empathy and communication from reader to piece. Per usual, metaphor and selected imagery in a tightly constrained bag of diction. Then we have a rarity, a real audience you mention. An actual identity to who and of what. Can't hide in darkness forever.
I haven't reviewed much of your work. It's not like mine, though the collab was a fun experience. For this piece my qualms are that you obviously aren't comfortable with this style or idea as a poem. I see the transfer of emotion and experience between speaker and subject as well as the "ghost", but here you then become too micro and small and focus on the primary experiences without developing this tiny world beyond the scope of your poem's design.
That's the danger of experiments, especially with form. Form must impact content and art to mean something. So now, what exactly is the point of your broken lines? It's parceled up and delineated on it's own side as of now; don't be a lazy Susan whirling around. Have a nice cafe display that's aesthetically pleasing for all and honest to your voice in the piece, avoiding muddying subdivision.
I like experiments and am glad you're taking your style to new places. Remember to be wary of form though.
Question!!! Is this a Poem or a story. Just wondering.
This is even nicer than I remembered. Expect a review. EXPECT IT. DREAD IT. All that whatnot.
Hope you don't wring your hands off.