Based on the feedback that I have recieved so far I have decided to edit it a little. Thanks Shauni and MeadowLark!
In the distant future, everyone has the choice to enhance their bodies to be able to do extraordinary things. A person can have their choice of one of the five categories of body enhancement: agility, mind, strength, flexibility, and stealth. Legally, when a person reaches eighteen years of age, he or she can have the procedure that changes his or her body. People who cannot afford the operation may have had it done illegally. Almost fifty four percent of mankind has had the procedure. Since half of the world has had their body advanced in some way, mankind has gone into an “extremist” era, testing out their new body enhancement, some entering contests, challenging others, forming alliances, or preforming daredevil stunts. All of them risking their life for the thrill. This thrill that risking one's life creates has drawn many to take the procedure.
Not everyone has chosen to change their bodies though. The other half of mankind has chosen to live life as their known ancestors had lived. They believe that, in time, the procedure will break down the human body, leaving those who haven't “contaminated” themselves to inhabit the Earth. From that point on, they believe that the Earth will become a paradise for the remaining few. Because of the conflicting differences between the two halves mankind, a war has been forged. The half of mankind with enhanced abilities has the upper advantage, and they are winning.
One person has decided to live differently than all the rest, though. He is enhancing his abilities in all areas that the procedure offers, without taking the procedure. He has set himself apart from the world, living in tune with nature, rather than defying it or forcing it upon himself. His existence is unknown to the world, but not for long.
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This is just my prologue. I spent three days figuring this out to set up a nice plot, so critiques are VERY welcome, and I would like to hear what you think about the general idea of it. It will be a very exciting (hopefully) story. Just hang with this for now, you know, for some background information?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Ohhh, this clears up a lot about the first chapter. I really, really, really want to read more now!
Oh my goodness! Thanks! Actually this prologue is really old, so i may adjust it a little bit, since my ideas compared to then aren't exactly the same, but it's not going to anything major.
And thank you so much for following, it really gives me some extra encouragment! Actually, I have the second chapter written up, and I'm workinghard on the third. I am just waiting for the first chapter to get more reviews, then I will post the next chapter.
This looks really good. I do have a few nitpicks, though:
You say the word "procedure" a lot. You could use other words like process, method, or
routine.
The enhancements agility and stealth are sort of similar. Maybe you could change them to speed, healing, or sense. What I mean by healing is that they can heal very fast or they can not get hurt easily. What I mean by sense is that their senses are enhanced to hear, see, smell, feel, and taste better. I like those ones but it's your story, so I'm not telling you that you need to change them.
Hi Kakaly! I'm Shauni and I'm here to answer your request!
I'n not actually a very critic person, just because I'm a bit lazy but I'll gladly help you!
There first time I read your piece, it felted a bit like a summary for your story. You gave a little too much detail in the reality and the extreme situation that the Earth is going through. Almost like explaining how the book will roll into.
That's the first thing.
Okay, I'm not so sure about this sentence, specially because it's the first one. I think you should present the era first, lightly though, then the history and past of the situation the mankind. The first paragraph should give us a sense on the history, not to much and leave us intrigued. You give us all in a few lines! Try phrasing a bit more. Make this a challenge!
The situation I explained above fits for almost all of the prologue. The function of it is to set up the story, giving background details and other miscellaneous information.
This piece is quite good if you imagine the a character explaining to another what's going on.
In terms of plot, the idea it's surely intriguing. I loved the "lonely but marvellous guy fighting humanity" idea. I'm sure you'll be have a lot to work on, lots of intrigues/dramas and we'll never get tired. I can't tell you much more about plot, because this is only the prologue ( not a very clever statement
Your grammar, punctuation and phrasing are pretty good. You don't make lots of mistakes and you can chain your ideas well, which I found hard to do. But, you have a few strings that need to be placed back.
Now, for my nip-ticks ( I don't found them to helpful but even though...)
First
These two phrases need some idea connection. In the first one you say that a person can choose an ability. The second already tells how much time does the surgery take.
So, how are the surgeries performed? In what circumstances? What makes people want to do? What do they do? These questions should already be answered while reading the story. Just remember that the prologue isn't probably the right place to place them.
Second
Why? Explain it better.
Third
Notice the underlined part? This is a great detail in the plot. Work that!
Fourth
Somehow, this sentence seems stiff and strange.
I don't amuse the idea of the world divided in two pieces. It makes think that the Earth cab be ripped into two. Do the humans and the other ones that took the surgery live together or do they live which one to their side of the world?
Fifth
I don't think this is needed.
Sixth
The last paragraph. The character shouldn't be just given to us. Talk a bit about him but don't give everything away. That probably it. All of those "questions" should be only formed in the next chapters, not know when you give us his location, his goal.. Loved his name, by the way.
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There it is Kakali! I hope this review gets helpful to you!
May you continue to write this story and may it be a sucess!
Great piece of work and a very promising story!
Best wishes
Shauni
Thanks, and don't worry. I made sure to leave plenty out.
Hiya there Kakali!
I like the prospect of this story. I'm intrigued by the whole idea and I can't wait to see what you develop it into.
However, with that being said, I think (this is your choice and my opinion) that you shouldn't explain too much about your world or what your story is about in the prologue. So you don't reveal too much to your reader without them even reading that much. I hope I make sense.
This has a lot of potential and I look forward to see chapter one in the forum
I do like the way you ended it off. A tad bit o' foreshadowing or no?
Meadow