Published January 16, 2009
Claire groaned as she slowly awoke from her unpleasant slumber. She felt a harsh throbbing in her back from sleeping on the ground in a cold, makeshift hut. She stretched upwards a hit her head roughly on the roof of the short hut. She mumbled angrily and crawled outside. She stood up and dusted off her torn and dirty dress. The sun was still hidden by a row of blue-pink clouds. At least the sunrise is the same as it was in Europe, Claire thought. Men were hustling about, picking up the last of their supplies. The had been in this god-forsaken place for a week now. Her mum and da still hadn't arrived. She looked around and saw a young boy gutting a rabbit a few yards to her left.
"G'd day me lady!" The boy called. Claire had not the slightest idea whether to greet him, or send him to a different place to gut the unlucky rabbit.
"Hello." Claire called back, realizing how long it had been since she'd had a conversation. She edged her way across the camp towards the boy. Claire looked at the rabbit with unmoving eyes. The boy was sliding his knife ever so gently under the rabbits skin and peeling back the fur easily.
"Not the most pleasant of sights, is it?" The boy laughed. He put down his knife and thrust his hand forward. His fingers were plum and round, which made him look even younger. "The names' Lou!" He said.
"Claire," Claire grunted, shaking Lou's bloody hand. "Claire Wellington." She added.
"Well, lady Claire, pleasant tidings to you," He smirked. Claire grinned, her father used to say that to her when she was young.
"Did you catch that rabbit on your own?" Claire asked, trying to sound impressed. Lou puffed out his chest and stood up.
"Yes, and ya' should'a seen me!" Lou closed one eye and pretended to lift up a gun. "There I was, sitting in place, ready to shoot the biggest buck ever, when a rabbit popped out and scared'em away! I got angry and chased'em all over. I decided to hide in a bush to catch'em off guard. Soon I saw'em and..." Lou paused dramatically, "BANG!!" He shouted. Claire burst into laughter. Everyone turned to look at them. Lou was rolling on the ground now, laughing.
"Louise!!!" A sharp voice somehow penetrated their loud uproar of laughter. A tall, lean man hovered over them, his face blood red. He looked so angry, Claire thought steam might start coming out of his ears. Lou stopped laughing and straightened up. Claire fell silent.
"Y-yes sir?" Lou stuttered, catching his breath.
"Whats going on here?" The man shouted angrily.
"We were just -" Lou started fearfully.
"I don't care!" The man interrupted, "Git' back ta' work!" The man turned to Claire, "And you! Why don't you make yourself useful and gather some food for the rest of us!"
Claire stared angrily at him for a moment. She looked at Lou. He was bent over his rabbit, severing it's head from the body. She looked up at the angry man and smiled sarcastically. She bowed and smirked: "As you wish, your majesty." She heard Lou gasp in astonishment. The man had his jaw agape and his veins popping out of his neck. Claire whirled around and walked off into the woods. As soon as she reached the tree line, she felt a pang of loneliness again. Lou was the only one she had talked to. Now he was stuck ding chores again. Claire sighed and thought about Europe again. She recalled a time when everything was just right. Her family was perfectly content, sitting around the fire, drinking their tea. Claire was an only child. Her mum had a still borne before she had Claire. Claire and her mum were very close, and Claire's mum almost didn't let Claire go to the Americas. She shook the thought out of her head. No, no,Claire thought, The more you think abut it, the more you'll miss it!
Claire climbed a large hill to get a better view of the layout of the land. She aimlessly swiveled around thorn bushes and other prickly plants. Her dress caught on a thorny stem and she was tugged back. Claire pulled on her dress. "Come....on!" She groaned through gritted teeth. Suddenly the branch snapped and she was sent tumbling down the hill. She stopped herself half way down and lay flat on her back. Tears came to her eyes and she wept sorrowfully into her hands. This was no home, nothing could live here. "This is no place to live, this is death!" She cried. She wallowed for about another hour or so before she straightened herself up. She decided to go back to camp and sleep.
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140,568 Literary Works • 673,460 Reviews
Okay, this is the last edit before I start chapter 2.
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Claire groaned as she slowly awoke from her unpleasant slumber. She felt a harsh throbbing in her back from sleeping on the ground in a cold, makeshift hut. She stretched upwards a hit her head roughly on the roof. She mumbled angrily and crawled outside. She stood up and dusted off her torn and dirty dress. The sun was still hidden by a row of blue-pink clouds. At least the sunrise is the same as it was in Europe, Claire thought. Men were hustling about, picking up the last of their supplies. The had been in this god-forsaken place for a week now. Her mum and da still hadn't arrived. She looked around and saw a young boy gutting a rabbit a few yards to her left.
"G'd day me lady!" The boy called. Claire had not the slightest idea whether to greet him, or send him to a different place to gut the unlucky rabbit.
"Hello." Claire called back, realizing how long it had been since she'd had a decent conversation. She edged her way across the camp towards the boy. Claire looked at the rabbit with unmoving eyes. The boy was sliding his knife ever so gently under the rabbits skin and peeling back the fur easily.
"Not the most pleasant of sights, is it?" the boy laughed. He put down his knife and thrust his hand forward. His fingers were plump and round, which made him look even younger. "The name's Lou!" he said.
"Claire," Claire grunted, shaking Lou's bloody hand. "Claire Wellington." she added.
"Well, lady Claire, pleasant tidings to you," he laughed. Claire grinned, her father used to say that to her when she was young.
"Did you catch that rabbit on your own?" Claire asked, trying to sound impressed by the the young boy's catch.
Lou puffed out his chest and stood up."Yes, and ya' should'a seen me!" Lou closed one eye and pretended to lift up a gun. "There I was, sitting in place, ready to shoot the biggest buck ever, when a rabbit popped out and scared'em away! I got angry and chased'em all over. I decided to hide in a bush to catch'em off guard. Soon I saw'em and..." Lou paused dramatically, "BANG!!" He shouted. Claire burst into laughter. Everyone turned to look at them. Lou was rolling on the ground now, laughing.
"Louis!!!" A sharp voice somehow penetrated their loud uproar of laughter. A tall, lean man hovered over them, his face blood red. He looked so angry, Claire thought steam might start coming out of his ears. Lou stopped laughing and straightened up. Claire fell silent.
"Y-yes sir?" Lou stuttered, catching his breath.
"Whats going on here?" The man shouted angrily.
"We were just -" Lou started fearfully.
"I don't care!" The man interrupted, "Git' back ta' work!" The man turned to Claire, "And you! Why don't you make yourself useful and gather some food for the rest of us!"
Claire stared angrily at him for a moment. She looked at Lou. He was bent over his rabbit, severing it's head from the body. She looked up at the angry man and smiled sarcastically. She bowed and smirked: "As you wish, your majesty." She heard Lou gasp in astonishment. The man a stood,astonished, his jaw agape, and a large vein was pretruding from his neck. Claire whirled around and walked off into the woods. As soon as she reached the tree line, she felt a pang of loneliness again.
Lou was the only one she had to talk to. Now he was stuck doing chores again. She never had to do any chores when she lived back in Europe. Claire sighed as the thought of Europe struck her mind again. She recalled a time when everything was just right. Her family was perfectly content, mabey sitting around the fire, drinking their tea. Claire allowed the thought to fester in her for a moment more. She froze up and tears welled in her eyes. No, no, Claire thought, The more you think abut it, the more you'll miss it!
Claire climbed a large hill to get a better view of the layout of the land. As she reached the top, she could already see the wild and untamed beauty. Long vines streached up the sides of young trees, threatning to strangle them. She ungracefully swiveled around thorn bushes and other prickly plants. Her dress caught on a thorny stem and she was tugged back. Claire pulled on her dress. "Come....on!" She groaned through gritted teeth. Suddenly the branch snapped and she was sent tumbling down the hill. She stopped herself half way down and lay flat on her back. She gave way to her overflowin emotions. Tears came to her eyes and she wept sorrowfully into her hands. This was no home, no human being could live here. "This is no place to live, this is a death trap!" She cried. She wallowed for about another hour or so before she straightened herself up. She decided to go back to camp and sleep.
Hey this is a promising so far. What you have is a nice introduction to the story and is well written and the puncuation, grammer, spelling etc etc is to a high standard.
Theres just a couple of thing i noticed in the story that ii feel i should bring to you attention.
Sorry but to me this name really dosnt work for a male character, for me anyway.
I think the inclusion of thw word agape breaks the flow fo the passage. If i was you i would consider changing it to something like 'The man stood aghast'
There were jsut a couple of things that breifly caught my attention.
Overall however this is a very good piece of work.
Keep it up
Hey Kakali!! It is a really good story! Its like I could see for myself where she was and what she felt! Great description!
It has great potential!! i encourage you to keep writing this. Really nice!
Hello there! I see your edit has not bee critiqued yet. Just a tip, put the re-write in the first post and put "edited" in the title. Makes critics jump at the chance to see the changes. ^_^
Tags: I don't really like it when dialogue starts every dialogue paragraph. For example, you can turn lines like this:
To this:
Then things get a bit more realistic, because the action goes with the speaker. ^_^
History: This feels rather lost in history at the moment. I think it's at the dawn of America, but I'm not sure. The lack of details here makes it hard to tell.
Emotion: You're sorta skimming the deep emotions here, like loss and abandonment. Fiction is 60% characters (and that's being low on the percentage) and characters are 90% emotion.
Questions? Drop me a line.
~Rosey
Claire groaned as she slowly awoke from her unpleasant slumber. She felt a harsh throbbing in her back from sleeping on the ground in a cold, makeshift hut. She stretched upwards a hit her head roughly on the roof. She mumbled angrily and crawled outside. She stood up and dusted off her torn and dirty dress. The sun was still hidden by a row of blue-pink clouds. At least the sunrise is the same as it was in Europe, Claire thought. Men were hustling about, picking up the last of their supplies. The had been in this god-forsaken place for a week now. Her mum and da still hadn't arrived. She looked around and saw a young boy gutting a rabbit a few yards to her left.
"G'd day me lady!" The boy called. Claire had not the slightest idea whether to greet him, or send him to a different place to gut the unlucky rabbit.
"Hello." Claire called back, realizing how long it had been since she'd had a decent conversation. She edged her way across the camp towards the boy. Claire looked at the rabbit with unmoving eyes. The boy was sliding his knife ever so gently under the rabbits skin and peeling back the fur easily.
"Not the most pleasant of sights, is it?" the boy laughed. He put down his knife and thrust his hand forward. His fingers were plump and round, which made him look even younger. "The name's Lou!" he said.
"Claire," Claire grunted, shaking Lou's bloody hand. "Claire Wellington." she added.
"Well, lady Claire, pleasant tidings to you," he laughed. Claire grinned, her father used to say that to her when she was young.
"Did you catch that rabbit on your own?" Claire asked, trying to sound impressed by the the young boy's catch. Lou puffed out his chest and stood up.
"Yes, and ya' should'a seen me!" Lou closed one eye and pretended to lift up a gun. "There I was, sitting in place, ready to shoot the biggest buck ever, when a rabbit popped out and scared'em away! I got angry and chased'em all over. I decided to hide in a bush to catch'em off guard. Soon I saw'em and..." Lou paused dramatically, "BANG!!" He shouted. Claire burst into laughter. Everyone turned to look at them. Lou was rolling on the ground now, laughing.
"Louis!!!" A sharp voice somehow penetrated their loud uproar of laughter. A tall, lean man hovered over them, his face blood red. He looked so angry, Claire thought steam might start coming out of his ears. Lou stopped laughing and straightened up. Claire fell silent.
"Y-yes sir?" Lou stuttered, catching his breath.
"Whats going on here?" The man shouted angrily.
"We were just -" Lou started fearfully.
"I don't care!" The man interrupted, "Git' back ta' work!" The man turned to Claire, "And you! Why don't you make yourself useful and gather some food for the rest of us!"
Claire stared angrily at him for a moment. She looked at Lou. He was bent over his rabbit, severing it's head from the body. She looked up at the angry man and smiled sarcastically. She bowed and smirked: "As you wish, your majesty." She heard Lou gasp in astonishment. The man's jaw was agape and his veins were popping out of his neck. Claire whirled around and walked off into the woods. As soon as she reached the tree line, she felt a pang of loneliness again. Lou was the only one she had to talk to. Now he was stuck doing chores again. Claire sighed and thought about Europe again. She recalled a time when everything was just right. Her family was perfectly content, sitting around the fire, drinking their tea. She shook the thought out of her head. No, no,Claire thought, The more you think abut it, the more you'll miss it!
Claire climbed a large hill to get a better view of the layout of the land. She aimlessly swiveled around thorn bushes and other prickly plants. Her dress caught on a thorny stem and she was tugged back. Claire pulled on her dress. "Come....on!" She groaned through gritted teeth. Suddenly the branch snapped and she was sent tumbling down the hill. She stopped herself half way down and lay flat on her back. Tears came to her eyes and she wept sorrowfully into her hands. This was no home, nothing could live here. "This is no place to live, this is a death trap!" She cried. She wallowed for about another hour or so before she straightened herself up. She decided to go back to camp and sleep.
This is all great information for me, and I plan to fix it later on this thread. Before I revise it though, could somone tell me if the very end is a bit choppy, I mean I wasn't sure if her going to bed without doing anything first was to short.
Hi there! June here!
This piece really drew me in. You held my interest from start to finish.
Before I continue with my-- pardon my lack of a better word-- praise, let me point out:
• The H in He should be lowercase. You're not beginning a new sentence, only tagging.
Pay close attention to this! You seem to do it often throughout this piece!
ding should be doing
--
• Repetition:
- You seem to repeat "Claire" a whole lot throughout this piece. I know it's about her, but substitute her name for pronouns sometimes.
• Information Dumping:
- The part about Claire and her mother seems a bit dumped on us. You should camouflauge it a bit so that you aren't flatly telling us. That makes it a bit boring.
• Italics:
- I like that you're using them to show her thoughts, but! Do not have them bolded. Very rarely will you see authors using bolded words in literature. For titles, it's fine, but for thoughts, it's a no-no. It feels like you're having the thoughts screamed at us!
* * * * * *
I like this, though! Will you continue it? I hope you do; you definitely have a good foundation in this.
I want to know more about the setting, though. Where are they? I mean, I know they're in America? But, I want to know, where. What state?
Try to just give us a little more, but watch the way you word it. It's better to show; not tell.
Keep up the brilliant work, dear. I really enjoyed this!
June
Hello Kakali! I am Winter's Twelfth Night (or just Winter) and I will be your reviewer today! This was an excellent piece. Well done! It was very interesting and held my attention until the end.
Here are my suggestions:
Once again, well done! I enjoyed reading this. I hope you write more soon!
-Winter
Hello! Your story was remarkable. I belive that it has the potential to e great. Just make sure that for every action, there is a reaction. I thought that you had great voice, and described the character very well. Also, I liked that you gave the characters emotions, showing that they had a sense of humour. Good show! Lol!
actually never mind. I didn't push submit (??) so I'm going to rewrite my beginning nit picks that I thought I posted...
Hey Kakali, here's your review as requested.
Quote:
She stretched upwards a hit her head roughly on the roof of the short hut.
"...and hit her head."
Quote:
The had been in this god-forsaken place for a week now.
"They had been..."
For some reason, it says I posted it but I didn't. I'm confused now. But whatev. I noticed you made a lot of minor mistakes (spelling etc). Remember: Don't be pressured to keep on posting your stuff as soon as you are done
Whoops, my bad. I accidently pushed submit.
"The name's Lou!" He said.
Using the word "smirked" makes it sound as if he was saying it in a bad way or sarcastically. Try to use another word since I don't think you wanted to make that impression.
Ok, a few nit picks about this part. Why would Claire want to sound impressed to this stranger? This may be just me but when you put " 'em" in, its a whole different word (abrev. for them) so you should have a space between the word and " 'em " (ie. scared 'em)
There's no need for a colon, just a comma.
This was stated awkwardly. I think it should be "The man's jaw was agape and his veins were popping out of his neck."
"doing"
You ended two consectutive sentences with the word "again". Try to vary your sentences. The same thing goes for the first few sentences. You ended two of them with the word "hut".
Not only is this telling not showing, you don't show any emotion here. If you expected to have a little sibling but it was dead at birth, you would be terribly sad. Especially the mother.
Ok, I'm going to touch on how this story isn't the very realistic later but this part especially wouldn't really happen. I highly doubt a child (I'm not sure how old Claire is but it can't be that old) would talk that way or say it aloud. You could say that she thought that instead of cried out.
Overall: This has potential. Its just that there's no hook. Chapter 1 is one of the most important parts of the novel. Its what brings your reader into the story, holding them tight for an awesome ride. You start out with Claire and Lou making an unrealistic dialogue (actually you start out with "boring" text about waking up)...why are they talking to each other in the first place? There's no suspense. No real action going on except for the angry man. Why would a complete stranger tell Claire to get food?
Also remember that Claire is human thus uses all six senses. Show that. Right now, I have no idea what the setting looks like. How she feels. What (other than someone talking) does she hear. Make sure you include that.
Things to work on:
1. Action and Suspense (something to keep the reader reading)
2. Realistic dialogue
3. Details
One more thing. Make sure for every event that happens in the story there must be a purpose to it. Right now I see no purpose to Lou, the angry man, or why she fell down the hill.
I'm sorry if I made this harsh. I don't want to sound that way! I really really want you to keep on writing ok? Mostly because most of what I wrote, I've seen before in my work : - )
So.....it definitly has potential. Your number 1 priority is to give the reader a reason to keep reading.
Hope I help!
- JC
Hey Kakali, here's your review as requested.
"...and hit her head."
"They had been..."