Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Were was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on the ship called, The Pendrop. Three months exactly. Their necessary supplies like food, fresh water, and medicine, were quickly depleting.
"Land ho!" a sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the boat, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". The fog was thinning now, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive.
Claire nervously edged towards the end of the boat. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they were quickly friends. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such a uncivilized land? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay that's an interesting start there. We've got someone sailing off here on a ship and we've got some very interesting contrasting emotions coming to play there. On one hand there's a distinct sense of relaxation spreading through the area there but also there's this feeling of unease coming from the mention of being a bit stuck and the whole food running out situation. Its a lovely contrast and it does a wonderful job as the start to a story.
ALright well that little cringe there was intriguing since you'd think considering the first bit there this person would be a little more excited. In fact with that little explanation there on what I assume is sort of the purpose of this voyage it seems even more curious that the person would react that way. At any rate, this is continuing to be quite interesting here.
Hmm well there's even more information trickling through now to make things that much more intriguing and I can't wait to see what this just might all be about. I think you're doing a wonderful job there. It does lend itself very well to an ending I think. I do find myself intrigued enough now to want to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Loved the improvement on the ending! I think you really took her back to her self misery instead of leading her away from that emotion which is great for me as the reader!
I noticed you added some more aspects into this, such as her Mother which we now know she as left at home.
Honestly I am not sure I LOVE where this section is going. Adding the mother adds a whole can of worms, if you get what I mean by that. Obviously a Mother is a very important aspect in someone's life and I almost feel that you touched on the subject to lightly.
However, my style of reading is Character driven and that is what I connect with first. SO, although this is my opinion please do not feel that you HAVE to change this.
I am excited to keep reading your progress!
Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.
"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness. Claire's stomach gave a lurch. She recalled her ship leaving the harbor, the very day she found that she would be taken along the trip to the "Americas" on a boat called "The Pendrop". She could imagine her mother waving at her from the bay, sobbing miserably into a pearl-white hankerchief. She sighed. The past was behind her now.
Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. Were they like anyone back in Europe? Would everything be like it was back home, or would she feel even worse here? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called "Holy Grail".
I'm glad that people are here to show me whats wrong, that could have been embarassing. lol
A major improvement from the first version!
One thing I noticed as a reader was near the end;
I am thinking that these questions might be to specific especially if this is the Prologue. Clearly Claire is upset and you gave a really good sense of that. When you add in those "practical" questions it distracts me from the general feeling.
I hope this makes sense, but I will say that the books and writers that always catch my attention are the ones that can make me feel the exact thing that their character is feeling! Even though I have only read a few paragraphs I think you are on your way to writing something that I would want to read.
Keep it up!
Actually its chapter 1. This is the prolouge.
Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.
"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness. Claire's stomach gave a lurch. She recalled her ship leaving the harbor, the very day she found that she would be taken along the trip to the "Americas" on a boat called "The Pendrop". She could imagine her mother waving at her from the bay, sobbing miserably into a pearl-white hankerchief. She sighed. The past was behind her now.
Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such an uncivilized land? Would they give them the supplies that they needed? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called "Holy Grail".
I liked this actually. It seemed different from the usual. It seems to need a bit more of a point to it though. Explain why theyre on the ship, where theyre headed, and try to describe Claire a little more.
I bolded a few mistkes and suggestion below
besides that it was a great story with alot of potential. Can't wait for chapter 2!!
I liked this actually. It seemed different from the usual. It seems to need a bit more of a point to it though. Explain why theyre on the ship, where theyre headed, and try to describe Claire a little more.
I bolded a few mistkes and suggestion below
besides that it was a great story with alot of potential. Can't wait for chapter 2!!
Okay, I revised it. It is a little longer.
Claire looked out upon the empty sea with a longing in her heart. The wind billowed around her, sending golden locks of hair across her face. The dark gloominess of the sea sent pangs of loneliness deep into her heart. She imagined the long, rolling pastures of her homeland back in Europe. The sheep grazing peacefully on the tendrils of overgrown grass. The old couple that lived next door, sitting together in a transfixed state of being. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut to keep the image from fading into nothingness. Soon she opened her eyes. She saw the masses of fog, clinging to the water like a mother who just found her lost child. Where was this new land she was to call home? For three months she had been stuck on this bloody ship. Three months exactly. Three months that felt like three years. Her heart was torn in two, between her new, adventured filled home, and her homeland.
"Land ho!" A sudden shout made Claire cringe. Sailors poured onto the deck, stretching over the side of the vessel, craning their neck's to see this land that her father had explained as the "Holy Grail of all lands". Claire's heart sank. She didn't see anything. The fog started thinning, and there, among the blue sea, was a clump of green, waiting for them to arrive. The green seemed strange and foreign to her, like a light among total darkness.
Claire nervously edged towards the end of the ship. Her father had said that the natives that lived in this land were friendly, and they quickly made allies with them. Claire wondered what they were like. How many of them lived there? What did they wear in such an uncivilized land? Would they give them the supplies that they needed? As Claire wondered these things, she didn't notice that little specks were hustling back and forth across the coast of this so called, "Holy Grail".
This is rather short, and I only really noticed one thing:
"Friendly" and "friends" are very close together. It makes the sentence redundant.
Atmosphere- I liked the fog simile, but other then that there is hardly any description, and therefore atmosphere, in this piece. Go into a little more detail as to how Claire misses her home, what it's like living on the ship, ect. Use proper ship terms, have her think about how depressing it is to see the same water all around, any loneliness at seeing people die from the lack of supplies, her thoughts on Natives, the like. I think that's really all this needs.
Overall- I am very interested as to where this will go. Keep it up!
Hi Kakali. I noticed that you put something up, so I'm just gonna take a lookie here. Sorry for nitpicking, but that's what I always do.
That should be 'where'.
Well, adding the name of the ship seems a bit redundant. Claire already knows that the ship is called The Pendrop, so it's not like she has to repeat it. You already say later on that sailors were swarming about, so it's not like the reader won't get that The Pendrop is a ship.
You should capitalize 'a'.
Hm, maybe 'quick friends' would work better here.
It should be an uncivilized land.
That's all that I could find for nitpicking. This was a great piece, albeit a short one. I absolutely loved how you described the fog in the beginning. It was beautiful. However, you could expand on this. How did Claire feel about being stuck on the ship? What did the ship look like? Detail will help a lot.
Well, that's all that I have to say. Great work on this, and I hope to see a continuation. If you have something you want to ask me about this review, go ahead an PM me. Also, if it isn't too much trouble, could you tell me when a new part's up? Hm... nothing else thta I have to say except keep writing!