Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Susan Stephens pulled up to the light as traffic flooded onto the road. Persephone Stephens loved the rusty car even if it was dirty and the seats were ripped. The car was all they had bought with them afterall.The rain poured down the muddy windshield creating a dirty brown stream of water that was washed away by the wipers. Peresphone looked over at her stressed mother. She had a dead white hair hanging down from her messy bun. The light turned green and the silver van infront of them stalled. "MOVE IT MOFO I AIN'T GOT ALL DAY" Susan yelled from the car rolling down the musty windows. The can in front moved an in inch. " I GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO YOU DUMB ASS" Susan rolled the window up and mumbled curse words. She turned to Persephone and blew the white hair from her face. " I am sorry I'm just a bit stressed is all." Persephone ignored her. She admired the rain pattering off the front of the car. The silver car moved faster and opened their window. The man driving struck the middle finger at Susan and rode off. "People these days" Susan said as if she wanted to spark a conversation with Persephone. Persephone sat quiet though, she was drowning in thought and didn't want to be pulled out yet, she loved when the quiet took her away from the real world. "There was nothing worth staying there for" Susan said. Susan wanted to comfort her daughter and tried to make sure she wouldn't leave her side ever. Persephone silently said " I didn't want to stay there anyways, this is my 3rd school in 2 years, I want to keep moving until I find a better school where there are no snobby bitches" Susan hit the gas and continued moving foward, she knew Persephone was not rude like this, she saw that she was very moody when they moved usually. They sped through the roads and soon saws sign, "NEXT EXIT NEW YORK CITY" They were almost there, she would live with her wealthy aunt and everything will be happily ever after right? Wrong. Persephone moved to every relatives homes just b/c she would screw thins up and now was another opportunity to screw things up, just like the many she had before.

Paragraphs young grasshopper, paragraphs.

I sighed immediately I saw this blob of words without spacing. It discourages people from reading further.

Your title is unorganized and not presentable. It should be:
'Persephone's Peculiar Life: Chapter One' (Nota Bene)

You could have given a detailed description of the relationship that exists between Susan and Persephone.

I agree with the last reviewer concerning your grammar. Remember, this is a site for young writers, not just another social network where abbreviations and slang are accepted.

The story's nice; but nothing much is told. It isn't fit to be called a chapter. It isn't even fit for a prologue.

My advice: Read more novels young grasshopper.

Ok firstly welcome to YWS.
Secondly this story isn't bad. You need to work on this chapter a lot more, it is to short and doesn't really give much info about the rest of the story. This isn't a chapter it's a paragraph you can bring so much more into this to make it a chapter. Try with at least three pages and then work on that, expanding them and adding to them to make it more descriptive and interesting.
You need to expand on the story line in this chapter or at least introduce some sort of plot. You only briefly touch on her moving schools, tell us why or at least touch on it enough for us to want to find out more.
Thirdly you need to watch spelling and grammar. You can't use b/c for because. This is a story not a Facebook status.
Reread the paragraph to make sure that it makes sense and flows nicely.
Finally your characters seem to be ok, they both have an obvious personality and you show how they feel about whatever situation is occurring. What you now need to do is expand on them, give them more of a voice.

I think you can have a good story you just need to take more care in writing it.
Keep writing and good job.
Love Nargles xxx