Published July 17, 2009
It’s over.
Her hair blew wildly around her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she hadn’t had to say what she just did.
He put his hand on her cheek, but she shook her head.
“We can make it work. Don’t do this. Please.” He tried to smile, but his lips quavered, faltered.
Tears streamed down her face, as she held onto his arm. She shook her head faster. He wiped away her tears quickly as if they were gone, this wouldn’t be happening.
“I love you.”
“So what?” she snapped, pushing his hands away. “It’s not like love is some magical thing that will make everything work out! When you stop getting gigs, and we can’t pay the bills, what am I supposed to do? Tell the electric company that we’re in love? What about when you go on tour? I’ll be all alone; oh, but I’ll be in love, so I'll be fine. What if I’m pregnant and you have groupies hanging all over you? Are you gonna tell them you’re in love with a big balloon back home?” She shook her head again. “It’s over. We don’t have a future.”
“I would never cheat on you, you know that.” He held on to her arms, turning her towards him. “Listen to me, I’ll never love someone as much as I love you. I swear.”
“We won’t work. Why don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter!” she shrieked, her voice cracking.
His eyes were brimming over with tears, but he wouldn’t let go of her arms, or the hope that maybe he could fix this.
“You can come with me on tour! Then you wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And then we wouldn’t have to be apart.”
“I can’t. I have a life and career to work on. I can’t just follow you around for the rest of our lives. What kind of life is that?”
“The only one where we could be together,” he whispered, leaning his head down so their foreheads touched. “Don’t do this to me. I need you.” They wrapped their arms around each other, tears falling so hard, that they couldn’t even tell whose was whose anymore, like their own private rain cloud above them was really the one crying.
“Goodbye,” she whispered in his ear, kissed his cheek, and walked away.
* * *
Love isn’t special
Love isn’t magic
It won’t feed the hungry
It won’t cure the sick
Love won’t save the world
Love can’t fight crime
It can’t heal the hurt
No, baby, not this time
And love won’t right the wrongs
Or sing our songs
Love won’t stop a war
So really, what’s it for?
Breaking hearts
And brand new starts
Where it just happens again
Love isn’t magic
It can’t do any of that stuff
But if it had kept you with me
It would have been magic enough.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
How do you always have so many reviews when I get around to your stories? Oh yeah, becuase your writing is awsome, that's why! I think it is fine that you said 'gonna' since it was part of dialogue and people say that. It was part of that character's diction. And personally, I loved the raincloud line. I liked how it was just a snapshot of their lives, especially since it is at a crucial point. Their dialogue was so telling of their relationship and what kind of lives they led. You were able to capture who they without explanation, which is the general goal. Great Job! [If this story was pizza, Maddy would totally eat it. Actually, she would probably eat it on paper too! : ) ]
To put it short, I loved it! This was really good, and the peom made my heart clench and unclench for a bit. I'm not going to say something like 'good job, no grammatical errors' because I mess up on stuff like that, thus, I have no place in saying anything about it. But it was nice to have a quick, clear read. It waasn't just a jumble of thoughts and had real meaning to it, real purpose. Keep it up!
It’s over.
Her hair blew wildly around her head. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she hadn’t had to say what she just did.
He put his hand on her cheek, but she shook her head.
“We can make it work. Don’t do this. Please.” He smiled weakly, pleadingly.
Tears streamed down her face, as she held onto his arm. She shook her head faster. He wiped away her tears as if they were gone, this wouldn’t be happening.
“I love you.”
“So what?” she snapped, pushing his hands away. “It’s not like love is some magical thing that will make everything work out! When you stop getting gigs and we can’t pay the bills, what am I supposed to do? Tell the electric company that we’re in love? What about when you go on tour? I’ll be all alone, oh, but I’ll be in love, so I'll be fine. What if I’m pregnant and you have groupies hanging all over you? Are you gonna tell them you’re in love with a big balloon back home?” She shook her head again. “It’s over. We don’t have a future.”
“I would never cheat on you, you know that.” He held on to her arms, turning her towards him. “Listen to me, I’ll never love someone as much as I love you. I swear.”
“We won’t work. Why don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter!” she shrieked, her voice cracking.
His eyes were brimming over with tears, but he wouldn’t let go of her arms, or the hope that maybe he could fix this.
“You can come with me on tour! Then you wouldn’t have to worry about anything. And then we wouldn’t have to be apart.”
“I can’t. I have a life and career to work on. I can’t just follow you around for the rest of our lives. What kind of life is that?”
“The only one where we could be together,” he whispered, leaning his head down so their foreheads touched. “Don’t do this to me. I need you.” They wrapped their arms around each other, tears falling so hard, that they couldn’t even tell whose was whose anymore, like their own private rain cloud above them was really the one crying.
“Goodbye,” she whispered in his ear, kissed his cheek, and walked away.
* * *
Love isn’t special
Love isn’t magic
It won’t feed the hungry
It won’t cure the sick
Love won’t save the world
Love can’t fight crime
It can’t heal the hurt
No, baby, not this time
And love won’t right the wrongs
Or sing our songs
Love won’t stop a war
So really, what’s it for?
Breaking hearts
And brand new starts
Where it just happens again
Love isn’t magic
It can’t do any of that stuff
But if it had kept you with me
It would have been magic enough.
I like how it's based on a song. That's very interesting to me. It was great, a little too sappy for me, but it was still nice to read. Good job =]
Hello KailaMarie,
.
Sorry Im late for your review, but here I am and I hope that its a helpful one
I just cant seem him smiling as he says this. maybe he's nodding vigorously. Or trying to hide his tears with choking words. But i just don't see him smiling, like nothing was wrong. Even if it was weakly and pleadingly. If the love of your life walked away from you would you smile?
I really like this part. Seems so realistic
I love this little tidbit because seriously that is what would be going through my mind ahah. but in this sentence: I’ll be all alone, oh, but I’ll be in love, so I'll be fine. there needs to be a semicolon instead of a comma after alone. Also so in this sentence:When you stop getting gigs and we can’t pay the bills, what am I supposed to do? there needs to be a comma before the and.
I can totally see this as little tears roll over her cheeks. Good work.
I love this, so realistic and contains so much imagery, kudos to you
I love this ending because the whole time you know shes gonna leave but secretly you were cheering for the boy to change her mind. Awesome writing going on here
I think this should be italized but thats just my personal taste
Overall: I loved this piece. It was so realistic and relatable. awesome job. If you hav e any more questions please feel free to pm and thanks for requesting a review
Tiffany
AWWW! So sad... :.(! Anyways summergrl13 is back and she's back to correct! OKay, well, first of all I really like this piece. I have to say it is a very pretty romantic story and it's totally different from the other two you write that I just read. Well, I don't think I'll need to correct too much because it's already good, but here it goes.
1). Make her thoughts a little longer, as if she's actually considering to go on tour with him because she knows she'd want to but then decides she really can't. The amount of dialogue was okay, but I might have him plead a little bit more because he really wants her and knows that she's about to hurt them both.
2). The part where you describe their tears falling like their own personal reaincloud is a little cliche and cheesy.
3). I would lengthen it a little more, maybe give a few more clues about their lives or something.
Um, yeah that's about it. I loved the poem at the end! Peace out! 0(o.o)0
Well, I couldn't seem to find any grammar errors. So that's obviously great. I would've liked to know the setting of the story though. I believe that it was somewhere outside, but I think that more details would help your writing improve.
I did not find a whole lot of grammar errors or anything. That is good.
Here are some things that should be fixed though:
I think it would be best if you were to just say "Pleading" instead of "Pleadingly."
"Gonna" is a slang word. Do not use this. "Going to" is the correct way to say this.
Overall:
Your story entertained me. I liked it. I wish there were a bit more emotional build up and background information instead of the on-going back and forth dialogue between the two characters. I want to read the main character's internal thoughts, and not just the words she say aloud.
HI I've just read your piece and it was brilliant! I really liked the way you described the scene. It was clear to see what the characters thoughts were how hard that parting was. I really enjoyed it and look forward to your future work. Keep writing, Moonstar x