Published May 25, 2010
I had just finished gathering all my clothes from the washing machine and stuffing them into my laundry basket. I had to hurry up. I had so much to do: one paper to finish, one project to start, one roommate to console, and one mother to call. I turned to leave, when I practically ran into some guy who was looking down... At my boobs?
I was about to tell him to stop being a perv when he said, “Pink Floyd?”
“Huh?” I asked, distracted. I looked down. Sure enough, he’d been looking at my shirt. “Oh. Yeah.”
“You like them?” He was smiling. And he was cute. As if someone flipped a switch inside of me, I changed from indignant to flirty.
“No, I don’t. You caught me. I’m a fraud.”
He gasped, in fake outrage.
“I know! But I’ll have you know I bought this shirt with full intention of liking Pink Floyd… and when I listened to them, and figured out I didn’t, I thought about getting rid of the shirt, but it’s just so comfortable.”
“Hmm. I don’t know. You still seem rather imposter-ish to me.” He eyed me suspiciously, a small grin on his face. He was big, a football looking type. He had really short light brown hair, and warm chocolate brown eyes. There was a generally happy air about him that was contagious. I forgot about all the things I had to do. I just wanted to keep the conversation going.
“Well, I’m not getting rid of the shirt, if that’s what you’re implying.” I eyed him back, with equal suspicion.
“Maybe you have to be converted, then.”
“To Pink Floyd?”
“Yes, Ma’am. And if I’m not being too bold, I would like to offer my services for the occasion.”
I grinned. “Sure. Here’s my number.” I pulled a pen out from behind my ear, and wrote my number on the inside of his right hand. It was warm.
He grinned. “I’ll call.”
“That’s what the number’s for.”
He laughed, and with a wink, he continued past with his laundry. I hesitated, leaving slowly, hoping he would stop me, distract me a little longer, but he didn’t. He just put his basket down on a table and began to throw clothes into the machine.
And then I was out of the room, and had no choice but to continue to my room, and my wailing whining roommate, and my patiently waiting homework.
Out of all the things I needed to get done, why didn’t I have more laundry to do?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,552 Literary Works • 673,422 Reviews
I liked it, really, I did. The only thing that honestly bothered me--er, the two things, that is, were the dialogue, and the description of the guy. Let's start with the dialogue, mmkay?
Yeah. Basically the entire conversation. It flipped back and forth between boring and just stupid. Am I supposed to like these characters, with their "script" about as realistic as the last season of Heroes? Well, I don't. Please, work out their personalities a little more, so she isn't just some normal girl with a needy roommate and some random boring mom and he isn't just a stupid football player with blonde hair and blue eyes...which brings me to the description.
Really? Blonde hair and blue eyes? Really? I know there are guys out there who look like that, but the minute I read it in a story, I pretty much lose all respect for the author. Why isn't his hair brown? Why aren't his eyes muddy hazel? Do you have to have recessive genes to be attractive? No, not really. Look at Robert Downey Jr., for a start. Actually, I'm not sure what color his eyes are, but I'm pretty sure they're grey or brown, and c'mon, he's forty-three or something and STILL attractive.
So why does this football player have to be blonde and talk about as realistically as a cardboard box? The whole situation seems as if you took it from your life and made it just slightly more interesting. Please, please develop the characters some more, and I'd very much appreciate it if you could manage to create a slightly less cliche guy for what could be a very funny romantic short story.
Good luck, anyhow. PM me when you revise/when you put on the next part?
-SELA
Great story! Loved the interaction and dialogue between the characters.
I do agree with the others though; its incomplete so you need to post another part!
Keep writing,
Jane
This was cute! I love it, but its incomplete! finish it i wanna know what happens next. You made me caught on this book-you cant just leave it unfinished we all wanna read this! lol great! PM me when you got more! Keep writing!
Nike
Hey!! I really liked the beginning to this story! It has a lot of potential, keep it up!! The only thing I found in it is when you say..
This sounded a bit odd, like she had a stock of pens behind her ear. Maybe change it up or mention she has a pen behind her ear earlier in the story.
That's all for me!
~pandybear528
Hello!
This would sound better if was just "He was big, like a footballer."That's a really good piece. Good job. Now, my nitpicks and comments.
Oh, and your title needs to be edited to Laundry, right?
Your dialogue was good.
Keep writing.
~Lava
This story is good, but it's incomplete! I want to read what happens next! So finish! Lol, it's a pretty good start to a romance story! Nice