Two and a half months earlier
“Danny! Oh my God, Danny, we’ve hit the jackpot!” Tyler bellowed hoping over the counter, landing right next to me.
I looked up from the computer and put my screwdriver down. I was at work, at Tech Hospital, fixing a computer for a unbelievably attractive girl that had brought it in today. I got working right away, hoping she’d come in soon to pick it up. Maybe she would even give me a tip, if you know what I’m saying.
“What now?” I felt a pit inside my stomach. I hated these schemes. I don’t know why he couldn’t just get a job, like a normal person. That’s not how you get rich, he told me once. If you get a decent job, it is, I had said back. But he ignored me anyway.
“Okay, so bear with me. This is be worth it, I swear.”
I narrowed my eyes. That’s how he always starts off the really bad ideas. He stared back, equally stubborn. Okay, probably more stubborn. That’s why he always got his way.
I glanced around the shop. No one was there.
“Fine, just tell me.”
“Well, I was at the gym today, and guess who I saw there.”
“I don’t know. Who?”
“Jason Ramone.”
“Okay,” I answered slowly. I didn’t know where he was going with this. We hadn’t seen him for years.
“From high school.”
I rolled my eyes “I know who he is. I just don’t know what he would have to do with anything.”
“Well, guess who he’s dating? You’ll never guess.”
“Then why don’t you just tell me?” I was starting to get annoyed. I just wanted to finish this computer and so that girl would come back to pick it up.
“Sam Dwyer,” he said as if this carried the entire weight of the world.
We just stared at each other for a minute. He looked proud of himself.
“Okay, I have no idea who that is.”
He grunted, exasperated. “It’s Sam Freakin’ Dwyer! You know, daughter of Naomi Fieldman and Curt Dwyer!”
“The actors?” I asked, finally catching on.
“Yes!”
“What are you planning?”
“Something you’re not going to like very much. And I swear, if I didn’t need you, I wouldn’t involve you at all. I would even give you some of the money, because you are my best friend. And we help each other out.”
“Yeah, uh-huh. What would we be doing?”
“Are you ready?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Great. Then grab all the fancy tech stuff you would ever need and we need to get out of here.”
“How would I know what we would need? And I’m not stealing.”
“You are stealing,” he said, staring me in the eyes. I sighed. “And pretend you’re in Ocean’s Eleven. Anything you would need to be one of those guys.”
I sighed deeply. Too bad. That girl really was pretty. I went to the back and piled my arms with anything I remotely thought we might want, locked the door, threw away my fake ID that claimed I was Dylan Westcott and jumped in Tyler’s car.
I guessed it was time to move on again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello KailaMarie
I enjoyed your chapter, but as a couple of reviewers before me said: it was just a bit confusing. It would be a lot better if you clarified whose point of view it is. For example:
~Danny:
or
~Sam:
I think that would help tremendously.
Tyler bellowed, hopping over the counter, landing right next to me.
There is actually two 'p's in hopping. Without the other 'p' the word is hoping as in, "hoping and praying".
I'm being nit-picky here, but since this is a thought, maybe you could change the sentence to something like:
Maybe she would give me a tip, if you know what I mean.
This is also nit-picky. Maybe this sentence should be something like:
A feeling of dread erupted in the pit of my stomach.
That might be cheesy....
That should be a question mark, instead of a period.
I apologize for my extreme "nit-pickiness", but if I'm nit-picky it's only because there are very few mistakes
Keep Writing!
~Nicole
This was a tad confusing. But I still like it!! Well hope you write more.
--Jessie.
Hey, I'm Pudin!!
I suppose you were talking about the guy Sam met at the movies right? Because as angel said, I'm a bit confused about the characters because Idon't really know who they are but I think that's the guy Sam met.
Now a little review.
I think that the second sentence would loks a bit awkaward I think that instead of is you sould have put wil. Maybe like this: This will be worth it, I swear.
Well, i think you should get rid of the period and make the sentence a little bit like this:
I would even give you some of the money, because you are my best friend and we would help each other out.
Besides what I pointed out,I saw very few other mistakes, very little other mistakes. But as I always say you can take them or leave them.
I hope you write more about this, because I really want to know the whole story.
Pudin
Ok, I thought this chapter was better. But some things you could've explained a little more cause I was a little confused who the character was and what was happening. But I thought it was interesting and it makes me want to read more to find out whats happening. PM me when you have the next chapter out. I would love to read more of it.