Published September 22, 2008
We cuddled on his futon, me sitting on his lap, and his strong arms wrapped around me. We were watching James Bond, and the love interest of the moment was getting undressed. I turned to him and said, “You so wish you were him, don’t you?”
He answered, smiling, “Only if that was you up there getting undressed.”
I grinned and kissed him lightly once, twice, three times. His eyes closed and he leaned in again. His lips were soft, and cold from the soda he’d been drinking a couple minutes earlier. His lips opened mine gently, his tongue slipping into my mouth. I felt my heart start to beat faster.
I kissed back in response letting his mouth work its magic on me and my trembling heart.
He rolled over on top of me, not even pausing in kissing. I felt his hand slide under my shirt, and my breath escaped through my nose, sounding fragile. His hand kept inching higher and higher, feeling clammy on my skin. I swirled my tongue around in his mouth harder, feeling a thrill rise in my lower abdomen.
His hand stopped, his fingers right under my bra line. I took a deep breath, raising my chest to press it against him. This time I heard his breath get heavier. I smiled to myself, and I pushed against him harder.
Encouraged, his fingers slipped under my bra, and his hand squeezed and massaged. I slipped my hands behind his neck, and played with the bottom of his hair, pulling him closer all the while.
He pulled his mouth away from mine, and kissed under my jaw line. I raised my head, giving him more room. He licked my neck from my collarbone, trailing up back to my lips. He paused before he kissed me again, though.
“What?” I asked, wondering why he paused.
He shook his head, and kissed me again, now hungrily. My giggle was muffled, and he didn’t pause. I heard heroic music playing in the background. I guessed there was a high speed chase going on in the movie.
He pulled away again, and I was a little annoyed this time. “What? Just tell me.”
He looked like he was trying to decide something. I rolled my eyes, and dropped my hands from behind his neck. He nodded, and said, “One sec.” He got off me and left the room.
I looked around his living room. It was rather plain, the futon I was laying on now, a plain small TV, a few pictures of us and some of his family and friends. There was a fan in the corner on high speed; it got hot in this little apartment in August. I liked it though. It was plain and small and a little crappy, but it reminded me of him, my boyfriend. I remember we met a year ago in psychology class in college. We's hung out a couple times, and then when he’d invited me back to his house, he was embarrassed of how small and nasty it was. I’d helped him put a fresh coat of paint on the place, and it became suddenly more homey.
He came back in the room, and I grinned automatically. His light brown hair ruffled, and his hazel eyes bright.
“I wasn’t sure…” he mumbled as he sat down next to me. I looked at what he had in his hand, a small package with a small text that said Trojan on the front. He held it objectively.
“Oh.” I said in surprise. I had been through this before, but I knew he still hadn’t. I didn’t know that he felt ready. “Are you sure?” I asked quietly, taking the package from him, and turning it around in my hands.
“I think so…”
I grinned even wider. “I love you,” I whispered, and kissed his cheek.
“I love you too.”
And explosion went off on the TV, and we both jumped. My laugh was almost forced as I grabbed the clicker and turned it off. I turned to him, and stared in his eyes.
He leaned in to kiss me again, and ran his hands through my hair, pulling it a little, teasingly. “Mmm,” I mumbled. He pushed me gently back onto the futon. His lips were clumsy, and he kissed my neck again. I let out a soft sigh.
He went back to my lips, and my hands found the button on his pants. I started to unzip them, and pull them down when he just sort of froze up.
I pulled my lips away from his. “Are you ok?”
His eyes were wide, and he glanced at the condom again. He swallowed hard.
“We don’t have to use it.” I said, meaning we didn’t have to do what he didn’t want to do.
His eyes widened, and I realized he thought I meant that a different way.
“No, no. I just meant we don’t have to do this.” I touched his cheek lightly.
He looked frustrated, and ran his hand through his hair. “I should want this. I love you. It’s just… ugh. I don’t know. It feels weird. Like… I don’t know. Like you deserve better than a futon.”
I smiled. “Don’t worry about it. When it happens it’ll be special. I don’t want to rush you.”
“You’re not. But I’m the guy. That should be the thing I’m worried about doing,” he growled.
I smiled, and nudged him. “Well, I think it’s cute. Promise.” He raised his eyebrows and I stuck my tongue out at him. He chuckled quietly.
“So! I want to finish the rest of that movie. I don’t know how it ends!” I said with enthusiasm.
He laughed and hugged me tight before turning on the TV again.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
It's standalone. I'm not planning on writing more around it, but who knows?
This is very, very good!
Is it part of a story or a standalone piece you wrote. 
Lisa 
Listening to: 'Why Does It Always Rain On Me?' by Travis.
hhmm there's nothing wrong with it technically, but it didn't really seem to have...a point? it felt a little like you were writing it for the sake of writing something. Like an exercise or something.
That said, doesn't mean its not a good piece of writing, but is that it? or is it part of something more?
I really liked the beginning and kept me reading.
It was sweet but i feel that it needed a little more
"meat" to it, if you get what I'm saying.
I see that plenty of people have given you praise already. But I just wanted to comment on one thing.
Simplicity
One of the qualities of your narrative that I enjoyed the most was how simple it was. It was just about almost having sex on a futon in the middle of a movie. The ability to capture the emotions of such a moment is extraordinary, and you did it. Some writers rely on big plot conflicts in order to characterize and bring the reader in. But your plot was so simple, and it accomplished everything it needed to. I really can't get over how simple it was. You truly have a talent.
This remind me of my ex.
I loved your story it was very sweet.
W-O-W. wow. I could feel the emotion inside of the story. Nothing really needs to be changed, not in my opinion. I really like how the guy is more unsure of himself than the girl.I like how they all of a sudden start kissing without any point other than their love or each other. I really don't know what to say about this, it really was amazing. I am speechless. Where did you come up with such a miraculous idea? The part where she compares her boyfriend to her apartment, is great, I would never think of a comparison like that. Now I am trying to connect my friends to buildings. It's not working.
Keep writing, I really want to know what happens next.
thAT WAS NICE
Man that was good
To me, it's one of those love stories that just makes you want to keep flipping the page 
Awesome work! keep it up!
It definitely was not bad for your first shot, not bad at all. Believe it or not, romantic scenes aren't the easiest thing to write. A lot is going on, what's actually happening between the characters, what's going on around them (if anything), and what could happen.
It was refreshing to see a male character that might not be ready to take such a big step, when the female is. To top it off, she's understanding of the situation. She was able to keep herself in control enough to not let things overtake her in a way that could damage the relationship.
I would echo those who said that showing rather then telling could make the scene flow much better. Also letting us inside the girl's head on what she's thinking and feeling emotionally will help the readers connect with her even further.
But like I said before, it was not bad for a first try. Everything takes practice-keep it up!
Awwww! I had to say it
I think if you showed a little for of the characters' feelings through their movements, the effect would be better. Maybe put a little more subtle nervous movements by the guy and tell us a little more of what the girl (I really want to be calling them by their names, for some reason, I just like the characters so far) was thinking.
That story was awesome for obvious reasons, but there's something that I just can't put my finger on that makes me want to read more...
Very good! I loved it! awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!No need to critique!
I absolutely loved this!
It's a great story so far, the characters are both cute, the setting was described very well indeed. I like how you didn't include names at the beginning: frankly, that's not the point at this stage in the story, is it? I didn't think so anyway.
The errors etc. have been made so I'm not going to point out something that's been pointed out already.
Anyway, I liked how it's the GUY who's not ready for sex rather than the girl, and it's so cute how senstive he is about where their first time together would be!
I really would like to read more, because I'm already liking this A LOT and I'm actually thinking over what the story could be right now! .....Still thinking......
Put me out of my misery and post more! >.<
That was actually really cool. ITs nice to see the roles flipped and the boy be concerned about making their first special. I wanna guy like that =P.
Its also well written. Nice Job. Thats all I can say, I see no need to change it whatsoever.
i've read this through a couple of times and it's great...i cant find anything worth fixing....my only comment other than it's an amazing piece would be to recommend you write more around it...make it a story rather than a section give it a story line Why is he afraid? why is he so shy? why isnt she?
Hmm. It was a really well done for your first try and the scene you write out has a very natural movement, in means of visualising. But I'm going to have to agree with most people on the showing instead of telling part.
To help you with that a bit, I'm going to suggest you delve into the feelings of your main character. Embellish and expand on what she's thinking, how everything feels to her, specific detail in appearance, any particular smells, any particular quirks or previous moments that come to light during the situation, infusing her with some feeling and a sense of metaphorical poetry will (1) help her become more of a real, 3D character, (2) help your readers connect, and (3) give your piece a smoother flow.
Best of wishes in future writing and editing.
I really enjoyed this. You had very little mistakes, all of which have been pointed out already. The one thing I did see was this:
There should be a comma after response.
Thanks so much for all your comments and everything, guys! I really appreciate it and am happy you liked it so much.
It's funny, because my friend told me a story that was sort of along those lines, and I thought it was cute, so I changed a whole lot, but I wrote mostly on that premise, with the guy being so nervous he froze up.
So thanks for everything!
(and if there's anyhting I should change still, let me know, because I love constructive critisism too!)
-Kaila
Yeah, just adding another praising comment, but this was good and really easy for readers to relate to, gold star!
Everyone covered everything else I thought of before, but I just wanted to commend you again!
I actually thought of a scene kind of similar to this, and tried to write it down. My edition sounded cheesy and stupid, but yours... wow! This was really sweet, and you wrote it in a way that the reader connected with both characters.
Marvelous work!
This was such an adorable idea! I agree with olivia that it was refreshing to find something with morals!
lol
I felt that the emotions you had were very real, intimate. You connected with the reader, which every writer needs to accomplish. You did very well with this! I loved every bit of it.
Sorry this is so short but I think everyone caught everything before me and I really didnt' see anything to comment on so...
I think a gold star is in order
Wonderful work!
It was a very fresh take to this kind of thing where the guy is unsure and the girl is understanding.
As you told the story, I could feel their love, really.
It was interesting and I thought it was really good.
Great job.
I totally love the idea to this & I so want to read more .. so please PM me when you post any follow-ups to this
Lucyy xx
I loved this.
usually it;s the girl who is totally unsure with it.
i like that you did a guy and how she is totally understanding on the whole thing.
i love it.
Thanks so much for all the comments! this is the first scene this... descriptive I've written, so it was sort of experimental. all the things you guys have said make sense now that it's been brought to my attention. I'll edit it as soon as I have time between school and whatnot.
Thanks!
Kaila
Oohh aman with morals! I knew they existed somewhere! Anyway, lol, here's your critique!
I would start a new line for this, and I tend to prefix the dialogue and add the rest to the end, this goes for the next line too...
This all seems very repetitive...try and find some kind of euphemism or metaphor so the same words dont have to be used again and again...
overall, i really like it...try and change some the adjectives used in the last section. Overuse of the word crappy gives the impression you couldn't think of another word
Hey Kaila!
First off, I'll comment on the title. I really liked it. It got my attention.
You've got some good description here:
But then it moves into this:
I'm sorry - that is an awkward, unromantic phrase. I think you could try saying it using different words, possibly - or just leave that out. I found it very unpleasant to read, because you've set up a nice little scene, and the imagery that comes to my mind here is not pleasant like the rest of it.
An.
Well. You need a little more showing than telling - your intimacy scenes are kind of awkward because of it. "He did this, she did that". Try to up the language a little more, show a little more what's going on, instead of telling us. I know, show-and-telling speeches are annoying, but I think you can make the descriptions here much better through that. This is a sensually themed story, and so you need to include more sensual language.
PM me if you have any questions. =D
~ Clo
It was great, i really felt the love between them and their frustration lol
im only fifteen so ive never really had that sort of relationship and to be honest your story is a bit daunting to me! it was a really good scene though, honest
keep writing!
xgracex
That was a sweet story.
I acctually liked it, there wasn't much that needed to be fix, I don't say there wasn't anything because I'm sure someone else will find something when I didn't. So keep writing, I like your stuff.
TNC