Published February 27, 2016
I think it has been five years now
And your face is still
a needle in something inside me
Like I'm being stabbed in a beautiful way
-
Only you'd never even think
that you were hurting me
-
I think it has been five years now
At first I dreamt we kissed
That was when I was young,
when I thought anything was possible
if you tried hard enough
And hope made the prick of pain
smaller
-
Then I dreamt we held hands
Just something small
-
Now I can barely imagine
If we touched
-
And the knife is driving deeper
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hey Kaila!
My suggestion for this piece perhaps is to give us more of the dream, so that when we get to that smallness line, we can really feel the weight of it against the dream. As of now, all we know is that it's a dream, but show it to us. Make us experience it. Describe the way the dream-kiss felt, how it sounded, how it tasted, how it looked like.
I really think you have a powerful sentiment in this poem, describing that hurt and powerful emotion of longing and trying and dreams falling short.
The ending really threw me in for a loop, it seemed to come out of nowhere and not in the way that it was surprising or unexpected, but in the way that I couldn't understand what the line was doing there. Where did it come from?
I sort of see it in line 4. The needle stabs the narrator and perhaps through the progression of the poem, that needle becomes that knife at the end. I think the idea is clever, but somehow as it stands right now, it doesn't quite work. We enter the poem in the present tense looking back "five years from now" and the poem starts with the needle being in there still. Perhaps, it could be clearer if the needle is described as having once been there before and then at the end, we will be able to see the progression better. Otherwise, we're just wondering at the end where that knife came from.
My favorite part of this poem was the "Then I dreamt we held hands / Just something small" because here I really felt the impact of that smallness in the voice that you used and I thought the placement after that long line to resolve to using shorter lines really worked well as a technique to achieve that effect
Let me know if you need to chat this up some more. I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
thank you so much for your comment!!! I can definitely see where you're coming from with your suggestions and I will use them:)
Yolo peoples! LadyRanicorn here for another amazing review!!!! Now, I'm no expert on poems, so if I said something that's wrong, just ignore it, happens all the time... I love the title and how you started it cause it gives you an air of mystery, it helps the reader latch on to your poem, I'm still wondering what in the world happened five years ago??? I especially enjoyed the part about "The knife is driving deeper" it helps me wonder if the speaker was being literal, cause with poems, you can never be sure. Anyway, going to go now, cause I don't really like poems, not my thing. So, until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!!!
Thanks for your review!!
You be welcome!!!!
Hi, Kaila. A review for your work.
Five years now...quite an interesting title. It gives me a touch of nostalgia. And I feel like going to back to five years ago..I really like the title. And the theme is really interesting. It's just like my story..I actually thank you for writing this.
The starting is really good.
Just a simple thing to say. I think, I like it better to read the "it has been" as "it's been". Not really much of a thing..
Beautiful is indeed a beautiful word.But, here, I just feel to read a word that has a deeper meaning than "beautiful" - a word that means- a bit of pain, still pleasant and charming.
The line is good the way it is. You don't really have to do much with it. But, I just had this feeling that it might sound better like this-
Here, the word "you" confused me. At first, I thought it was the person the narrator of the poem was talking about. So, it didn't make sense to me. But then I realized it was used as a general term. I think, if you used "One", the confusion wouldn't occur.
The line is actually a contradiction to the previous two lines, right? So, for the contradicting mood, I thought it would be better to use the word "Still" instead of "And".
The overall poem was really good. It is indeed simple. But it's special. It has a special feeling. I really enjoyed the poem. Only, I felt if it had something more, I could enjoy it longer.
That's all from me. Hope it helps.
Thank you!! The poem actually isn't as general; it is about one person, so "you" references that person. But that is an interesting idea!
You are welcome.
I think, you should work with that line a bit more. Cus the way you are saying, it looks like that person doesn't like the narrator. So, how can the person try to try in the first place??
hmm. I don't exactly mean they don't try to try, I just mean that they would never even imagine that the should try; they have no idea that they're hurting me. I can see how this would cause confusion, though, so I'll change it.