Hi reader! Thanks for dropping by!! If you'd like to help me out, I'm concerned about pacing and choppiness so any comments on that would be great!!
-Kaia
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Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter 2 Voices
Jed’s eyes flashed from Kassie to the road. A black sedan had crossed the yellow line and was headed straight for the pickup. Kassie screamed as Jed braked and swerved to the left to avoid the collision. His eyes flashed in an anxious glance over his shoulder just as the taillights of the other vehicle disappeared down the side of the slope. A heavy crash from over the ridge split the silence as Jed stopped the vehicle safely on the other side of the road. Kassie gasped, her fingers reaching up to the window beside her. Roughly, Jed switched gears to park and shoved open the driver’s door. A persistent knocking instantly exploded the silence, warning him that the keys were still in the ignition.
Kassie's wide eyes swept up to Jed as he gazed over the top of the vehicle. Her trembling fingers slid into her backpack, and she pulled out her phone. Jed stared blankly into the darkness across the road. The eager chirping of the frogs in the ditch beside the pickup became distinguishable in the silence as he searched the road for a sign of the vehicle. He shook his head as he slid back into the driver's seat.
His eyes met Kassie's as she lifted her phone to her ear. Her gaze lowered as she bit the edge of her thumbnail. “Yes...There—there’s a black sedan that just d-drove off the ridge,” Kassie mumbled in a shaky voice. Uneasily, she grasped the soda can in the cupholder, crinkling it loudly in the still air as she crushed it between her fingers.
Jed turned away and pulled the keys from the ignition. The quiet charming ceased, and the unsettling monotone of the nighttime insects grew louder. Jed's gaze rose to the windshield, and he stared out at the bugs zipping in and out of the headlights in front of him.
“I—I’m not sure,” Kassie admitted in a weak tone. She cast Jed a nervous glance, tightening her grasp on the soda can and causing the sides to dent sharply inward.
“Yes, yes that’s right.” Kassie’s voice grew stronger as she spoke. She swallowed uneasily and listened breathlessly to the voice on the other end of the line. After a few minutes, Kassie lowered her phone. She exhaled a deep sigh and forced a difficult swallow, her eyes moving subconsciously in the direction the other vehicle had disappeared in.
Jed turned to face her. “You okay?” he asked gently as he watched her eyes nervously scan the side of the hill.
Kassie nodded. Quietly, she released the partly crushed soda can and used her trembling fingers to smooth a strand of her hair. She drew out a forced breath and straightened her posture.
Jed cast the open door beside him a glance. His eyes rose. "I'm going to have a look down there. You want to come?"
Kassie frowned, her worried brown eyes lifting uneasily to her cousin's face. She shook her head.
Jed nodded. Shoving the door open a little wider, he slid out onto the gravel and lifted his phone. Kassie's gaze drifted to the other side of the road. Nervously, she lifted a finger and pulled a strand of her hair behind her ear. The soda can still sitting in the cupholder suddenly snapped back into its cylindrical form. Kassie startled at the sound, and her eyes shot toward the can.
Jed turned on his phone's flashlight, his eyes lifting again to his cousin's face. "You sure you don't want to come?" he asked, lifting the light beam and casting it on his cousin.
Kassie reached across herself, and Jed heard the seatbelt click free. "I'll come."
Jed nodded. He stepped back and let the door to the pickup slide shut. Stepping in front of the glowing headlights, he reached the road and began to cross it. Distantly, he heard the passenger’s door open behind him. He paused and shot a glance over his shoulder as his cousin jumped down from the pickup. Jed turned around and crossed the road. He halted at the edge of the gravel on the other side and glanced down the ridge.
A single beam of light pierced the darkness from an unbroken headlight at the side of the slope, guiding Jed's eyes to the scene of the accident. The sedan had collided into a tree. The right side of it had disappeared into a mass of warped metal. The other side stood unharmed.
A second beam of light joined Jed's at the edge of the forest as Kassie stepped up to her cousin's side. Jed made a faint gesture toward the wrecked vehicle. Faintly, he felt his cousin's fingers wrap around his arm. Jed turned to face his cousin. "I'm going to go down there...see if there're any survivors," he announced in a quiet tone, his gaze centering at Kassie's pale face. He attempted to slide his arm out of her desperate grasp, but she clung on, her eyes frozen to the site of the accident.
"Don't go by yourself," she whispered barely audibly, her eyes unmoved from the crashed vehicle. "I'll go with you."
Jed hesitated, his eyes running across the youthful face and eyes slowly lifting to his own. Jed's gaze lowered, and he nodded. Turning back to the forest, he started to descend the hill, keeping his pace slow enough to allow Kassie to fall into step behind him. Scanning the darkness ahead of him, he made out a pair of fresh tire prints in the soft ground leading down to the accident. He flashed his phone up. The red reflective strips in the taillights glared back at the glow shot at them from behind a particularly large section of thorns the vehicle had crashed through. Selecting a path to avoid the thorns, Jed led Kassie closer to the vehicle.
The scent of the burning gasoline wafted by the two, bringing with it the sound of the vehicle’s rumbling engine. As they rounded a tree near the accident, a muffled shriek suddenly caught the cousins' attention. Instinctively, Jed flashed his beam of light toward the vehicle. The shaft glinted uselessly off the window facing the cousins, and Jed lowered the light.
Kassie caught up to Jed, and she paused for a moment at his side, her eyes scanning the vehicle ahead. “Someone's alive in there," she whispered, the urgency in her voice evident as she stepped past her cousin.
Jed nodded as he ducked below a low hanging tree limb. Straightening, he stepped up to the side of the vehicle where Kassie already stood, her fingers pressed up against the window and beam of light pointed into the interior. "Jed!" she exclaimed, her eyes eagerly scanning the backseat. "It's a little kid!" Her fingers fell from the window and latched to the door handle. Throwing a wave of her hair over her shoulder, she pulled open the door. The screaming instantly grew louder. Jed tried to peer into the vehicle from around Kassie but was able to see little of the dark interior.
“It's a girl," Kassie reported, shoving her flashlight between her shoulder and her neck as she crawled into the interior.
Jed cast the front of the vehicle a worried glance, but the vehicle was stabilized in the center of the tree it had smashed into.
“She looks unharmed, but I don’t know for certain," Kassie continued, seating herself in the middle of the backbench. She lifted her chin and peered over the seat in front of her. "I don't know about the driver, though," she whispered softly.
Jed nodded, watching as the beam of Kassie's flashlight slid from the front of the vehicle. "The car's pretty stuck in the tree, but avoid making excessive movement," Jed informed her. "I'm going to go to the front."
Kassie nodded and turned around, her flashlight beam moving to the opposite side of the vehicle.
Jed stepped toward the driver’s side of the crashed sedan, listening subconsciously to the urgent shrieking of the little girl in the backseat. His hand fell to the door handle, and his fingers grazed a sharp, pointed object. Jerking his hand back, Jed turned his fingers over to find a faint bleeding line. His eyes shot back to the door. A small set of thorns lay arranged on a stick bent over the door handle. Flicking it to the ground, Jed repositioned his hand and pulled the handle toward himself. The door yielded to the pressure and opened.
Hi reader! Thanks for dropping by!! If you'd like to help me out, I'm concerned about pacing and choppiness so any comments on that would be great!!
-Kaia
Hello Again, My Friend!
It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
What The Black Eyes See...
This was a great follow-up to the first chapter! I'll admit, I was surprised -but also relieved- that Jed and Kassie avoided a crash. Now, the people within that sedan, I'm not sure about. The girl, and whatever may be in the front seat, which you left so cryptic! Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
Honestly, I didn't really find anything I could put here! Your descriptions were great, the characters were great, and everything in between was great! I noticed your question about choppiness and pacing. I thought there was no choppiness at all, and I loved the pacing! If I really stretched it, I feel like there could possibly be a little more urgency after the crash, but the characters were clearly startled, Kassie was calling emergency services, and Jed was trying to calm Kassie down, so there was a valid reason for the hesitation -and the emotions you portrayed so well helped make that clear. That, and the fact that not everyone will react the same way, it is "fight, flight, or freeze" after all lol.
Why The Grin Widened...
Ah, now for highlights! Firstly, big points for descriptions! The way they staged the chapter was so great, like here:
Jed stared blankly into the darkness across the road. The eager chirping of the frogs in the ditch beside the pickup became distinguishable in the silence as he searched the road for a sign of the vehicle
“Yes...There—there’s a black sedan that just d-drove off the ridge,” Kassie mumbled in a shaky voice. Uneasily, she grasped the soda can in the cupholder, crinkling it loudly in the still air as she crushed it between her fingers.
“It's a girl," Kassie reported, shoving her flashlight between her shoulder and her neck as she crawled into the interior.
The door yielded to the pressure and opened.
Annnnd we're back! Hey again Kaia! Have you dipped your cookie in some milk yet? I hope you're not lactose intolerant because we're back at it again with another Oreo! We shall see if this inspires another text art masterpiece. Let's get into it.
For the first cookie 🌑: we will discuss the positives because who doesn't like to hear the good things first? First things first, we have a lot of action happening, but you describe it in a cohesive, logical, and easily read way. Kudos! Second things second, speaking of action, as I mentioned in the first chapter, your choices to describe certain movement is inspiring. For example: "cradling her phone against her neck" is a clever way to describe how Kassie was holding her phone. Third things third, your imagery and how you establish the scene is equally intriguing with this line standing out:
Speak of choices, did someone say word choices? No? Okay, I will... I love some of your vocabulary here. Specific word choices can heighten meaning, change or carry tone, and make a work stand out. We have to be careful which ones we choose though so that we don't lose readers. As a lover of "thick words," I have to point out the one that was my favorite: "fervent." Last things last, you have a gift for opening and closing chapters, urging readers to keep going. Very nicely done!The unsettling monotone of the insects surrounding the site became louder in the still air as the cousins watched the bugs zip in and out of the single light below them.
Hello! I hope I can leave a better review this time,
Overall, this chapter was crazy, and I honestly wasn't expecting what happened at all. It was dramatic, and interesting, and I loved it!
How I feel like you can improve in this, is yes, you described a whole lot, but you described the character s and their thoughts and actions. I feel like this chapter was kind of slow (no offense) , like you described the looks on their faces for kind of a long time, and how they recovered from the accident. Not a whole lot happened here.. Well it did, but also not if you get what I mean.
What I liked was how I was NOT expecting the strangers falling off the cliff. I thought that the main characters were going to fall. Huge plot twists. I admire that.
Overall, while this was kind of slow paced, it was interesting and crazy. I hope this review turned out a lot more helpful than the other one.
Foxmaster
Hey, Kaia. Just here to leave a quick review!
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Well, this took a turn for the worse. Actually, I thought it was going to be a car crash that involved Kassie dying with her being set up as Jed's only part of his life that wasn't dull last chapter. I am, however, glad to find out that's not the case. Some quick highlights of this chapter were the emotion you put into the characters without saying a line of dialogue. Definitely, a skill I'm still working on lol. Also, the details of the descriptions stand out to me as well just like last chapter.
PLOT
Well, there isn't much plot other than the fact that an SUV tried to take out Jed and Kassie for some unknown reason and as a result crashed and probably killed the driver. There's some mystery setup that I like where Jed is almost enthralled by the SUV (for some reason. Maybe out of shock idk).
Jed ignored her. His gaze remained fixed to the shiny black vehicle. Faintly, he heard Kassie’s rapid breathing as she fell into step beside him, but he ignored it as he started along the road, keeping his eyes fixed to the SUV ahead.
Nervously, she glanced at Jed, tightening her grasp on the soda can and causing the sides to dent sharply inward.
she whispered weakly, glancing nervously across the road.
she murmured under her breath, shooting a nervous glance across the road
Kassie gasped and clasped her hands together over her lips. Nervously, her wide brown eyes swept up to Jed%u2019s face. Her fingers trembled as she reached into her backpack. Glancing at Jed, she opened it and pulled out her phone.
Hi there! I'm here to leave a review!
First off, RIP to the black SUV. X_X The ending built a lot of suspense, and I'm guessing they're gonna find dead bodies in the car. Great job on this! The chapter's very tense and kept me nervous throughout it.
Also, though I'm not completely sure, I think Jed likes Kassie?? I know in the 1st chapter, it said they were cousins, but there are... clues o_O here and there. Or maybe I just needa get my head out of the gutter-
Jed stared blankly ahead out of the windshield, gripping the steering wheel firmly to hide the fact that his fingers were trembling slightly. Uneasily, he exhaled...
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Reviews: 148
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