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16+ Language

destroyer of love

by KaiMoon


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Emptiness is all I feel. 

It surrounds me, devours me. 

All I hear are tears hitting the floor as they run down my face. I can’t be bothered to wipe them away I deserve this. 

Loneliness is all I smell. But I am the one who caused this. 

Blood from my broken heart is all I taste. 

All I see is darkness enclosing me from all sides that I can't escape it. 

No  matter how hard I try it. I broke my own heart this time it wasn’t you. I have no one else to blame for this besides myself.

When you were here, you numbed the pain. 

Showed me something new. 

Your voice put me back to sleep when I woke up from nightmares. 

Your blood was the sweetest thing. I miss it. 

Your smell made me smile. And burned a hole into my mind that I will never forget. 

I took you for granted. I loved you too hard. I suffocated you.

It didn’t surprise me when I opened, that door you left. 

But when you left you took the only candle with you the only light, I had. Now I sit here. In the darkness tried but can’t sleep. 

You had a room in my heart. I can’t fill it no matter how hard I try.

I can’t sleep because you in my dreams.

I tried to move on. Like how you did.

Trying to prove myself that I don’t need you nor want you. 

Like how you don’t need me. 

Trying to convince myself that our love story was just a dream. 

That I could never get back.

But it hurts me sitting there seeing you with her. 

It makes me sick. Sick to my stomach.

I pushed you to her. I was the reason that you got with her. 

Now I sit there alone missing you.

But knowing  there will never be an us in this world ever again. 

I will never be able to hold you. 

Never be able to feel your soft lips on mine. 

Never be able to hear your sweet voice ever again.

Are you with her just to break my heart? 

I see you with her and every time a little piece of my heart chips off. 

And falls into darkness never to be fixed again.

Crying won’t help nor will drugs or sex. 

Just, you but I can never have that again.

Just move on, they say but it’s not that easy when everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of you. 

 I was the one who let you go so why am I the broken one.

But at least one of us gets the happily ever after that you deserve. 

It’s just hard knowing that your happily ever after doesn’t consist of me. 

All I wanted was to show you, love. To listen to your problems. To see you smile.

Instead, I did the opposite.

All I showed you was pain. All I did was cause problems not take them away. I caused you pain, not happiness.

It hurts me knowing that your eyes have cried quite a few tears.

That your smile has disappeared quite a few times. That your heart has been broken quite a few times.

So what did I do.

I broke your heart made your cry and made your smile go away.

All I wanted to do was help but I should have know that I’m not a helper I destroy not create.

I destroyed our love. 

And I lost my everything...


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Thu Nov 07, 2019 1:14 am
KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hello KaiMoon, Katja here to review your poem "destroyer of love". As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. With that being said, lets gets into the review~

Overall Thoughts

Your poem expresses deep pain of having lost someone they loved deeply. They blame themselves- believing that they "destroyed" the love they shared with this person. Your strength lies in the strong emotions you conveyed in your poem. As the reader I am easily able to empathize with the narrator as they tell their tale of "destroyed" love. I love narrative style poetry / poetry that tells a story in some way and in this case, I really enjoyed being able to follow along as the narrator told their story. Starting with the way they currently felt, to the way the person affected them, How it felt when they were gone, telling us that this person is with someone else and how it makes the narrator feel, how people responded to the narrator being unwilling to let go, and finally the narrator admits that they blame themselves for having lost this person. I feel like you did a good job on a narrative style poem~

Suggestions

So firstly, I noticed there were a pretty good bit of typos, but I see in the previous review that you clarified you wrote this on a device so that makes sense. I highly recommend proof reading in order to weed out unintended mistakes/typos. Mainly I see a lot of missing commas and a few run on sentences, which can actually be solved by changing the structure... which leads me into my second suggestions....

Because this is a poem, I feel like if you structured it line by line and in stanzas, it would make it easier to follow along and flow like poetry. Due to the length, it may make it look incredibly long, but I still think it would help with the commas/run ons.... I'll show you what I mean using a portion from your poem.... (PS. the below changes are just an example to show you the difference in rhythm/flow by separating lines but this is more of a style choice and is not to say your format is wrong by any means)


Emptiness is all I feel.
It surrounds me, devours me.
All I hear isare tears,
hitting the floor as they run down my face.
I can’t be bothered to wipe them away.
I deserve this.
Loneliness is all I smell.
But I am the one who caused this.
Blood from my broken heart is all I taste.
All I see is darkness enclosing me in from all sides,
I can't escape it no matter how hard I try it.
I broke my own heart this time, it wasn’t you.
I have no one else to blame for this besides myself.


I also added/removed/corrected a few grammar and typo issues within this portion which should show as red if I added something and a slash if I removed something to show you an example of what can be corrected. I won't correct every error, as I am not a grammar expert, so I recommend maybe copying this into Microsoft word or a similar programs that point out errors to help make them more obvious.

Going forward, focusing on rhythm and flow can greatly improve your poetry and make it more "poetic". There's nothing wrong with formatting it the way you did, I just personally feel it takes away from the poetry aspect in doing so.

Overall my biggest suggestion is simply going back through and correcting all grammar/typo/spelling errors- the structure isn't a big deal but the typos are. They take attention away from the actual poem~

Summary

I really like your poem and the emotional narrative-style is perfect for this particular subject. While formatting could be altered, it's not necessarily an issue and is more a stylistic choice by the author. Therefore, my advice for formatting is more of an opinion than anything.

I hope my review was helpful,

Keep Writing,

~Katja




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Wed Nov 06, 2019 12:09 am
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there. Nice piece. You've done well illustrating the narrator's pain. The first paragraph is cool in that it mentions feeling, hearing, tasting, smelling - however, it seemed slightly incomplete with all that and yet no reference of seeing.

I'm assuming you typed this on a device using autocorrect, because there are a lot of typos. For example, the use of "to" rather than "too" in the sentence, "I loved you too hard." Also, I noticed a lot of words that were probably autocorrected, such as "tried" instead of "tired" and "consent of me" instead of "consist of me." So make continuous effort to watch for correct punctuation, spelling, and use of words.

One small-ish thing I wanted to point out is where you said, "Your blood was the sweetest thing." I don't know, but to me that sounds kind of, you know, vampire-ish? Maybe find different wording...?

I see that you have a talent and some good potential. Keep using that to write cool pieces! And by the way, if this narration is something you're actually going through and you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. :)




KaiMoon says...


Thank you, you were right I did use a device to type up my poem. next time I'll be more careful and I'm am going through this. when I write I take something from my life and mash it up with thoughts that have and stories that I have read




“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing