The road not taken. *Edited*

Hi Kaka!

Well, I really liked the theme of the story, for one thing, maybe because I relate to it so much. Your MC gets her thoughts across very emotionally, and I like that too. But, as a critic, I do have a few nitpicks: for example, the spelling and the grammar sometimes goes off-key, so I can't really involve myself as well as I might like to. You should've also fleshed out your characters more thoroughly - like what did her mum do that made her feel like this? Who is John to her? What is he like? And maybe this got me the strongest...this isn't really what I'd call fantasy, but drama. So maybe you should put it in a category like that...

Whew. That was exhausting. This must be my harshest review yet. T_T I'm sorry if I seemed to hate it, I don't, because I like it. But I think you could've done just a little better, that's all.

See ya around!

Robyn.

Thanks everyone!? Your reveiws helped
Kaka x

Hey kaka! I'm terribly sorry that this review is so late. School has been crazy.

Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that

Mum was the perfect one to let me think these things. All her life, anything that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

It looked fluffy and almost cozy from where I was standing yet I knew better then that...Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose.

I stood there for a while letting his words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed

I like this! The emotion and feeling of the moment is really well shown here! I think if you added more, this story would only get better and better
I saw a few grammatical errors in this paragraph - red is what should be corrected, and green is what I suggest to correct it.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You just - everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it at all! You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," [maybe use a different word than 'all', you used it a sentence before and it seems awkward] You[ should be lowercase] yelled, with accompaning [accompanying] hand gesters. [gestures]

But all in all, it was really well written, and it'd be great to see more. Keep up the good work!

Hi! I'm Regan, your reviewer for this story. I put things I like in blue, things you shoulod change in red, and their corrections in green.

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these thingsWho are you talking about here? Me as a reader, or your mother? Fix that maybe?. All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me. So here your talking about your mom, but later on you say 'You' is John. Hmmm...

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life. Doesn't flow very well. Try "Mum said snow was a nusiance like everything else in life."It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued i'm no dictionary, but is that even a word?? Try intrigued.by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy from where I was standing, i think yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. youThere are a lot of these in this part, it makes it seem like the character has a stutter. If he does, then please inform me about it. just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all!Get rid of the second like it so it's just "I'm not sure I like it at all!" You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," Repetition.You yelledHmmm Who is this mysterious you? Is it me? Or is it the mom, like earlier?, with accompaning hand motions.
" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, random comma... swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his Stick with either you (which I dont like) or him.words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. Ahhhh so now you tell us who 'You' is. But wait, weren't you talking about your mother earlier?? Is her name John??? don't,"I crackedYou can't crack a phrase. You can croak it, or whisper it, or shout it, or your voice can crack while saying a phrase, but you can't crack it., watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, another random commasurrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering, and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

Hi! I'm Regan, your reviewer for this story. I put things I like in blue, things you shoulod change in red, and their corrections in green.

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these thingsWho are you talking about here? Me as a reader, or your mother? Fix that maybe?. All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me. So here your talking about your mom, but later on you say 'You' is John. Hmmm...

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life. Doesn't flow very well. Try "Mum said snow was a nusiance like everything else in life."It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued i'm no dictionary, but is that even a word?? Try intrigued.by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy from where I was standing, i think yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
"I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. youThere are a lot of these in this part, it makes it seem like the character has a stutter. If he does, then please inform me about it. just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all!Get rid of the second like it so it's just "I'm not sure I like it at all!" You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," Repetition.You yelledHmmm Who is this mysterious you? Is it me? Or is it the mom, like earlier?, with accompaning hand motions.
" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, random comma... swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his Stick with either you (which I dont like) or him.words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. Ahhhh so now you tell us who 'You' is. But wait, weren't you talking about your mother earlier?? Is her name John??? don't,"I crackedYou can't crack a phrase. You can croak it, or whisper it, or shout it, or your voice can crack while saying a phrase, but you can't crack it., watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, another random commasurrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering, and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

kakagirl wrote:

Spoiler

This story was taken from the idea of a poem called, The road not taken by Robert frost. It was just an idea so I hope you think it made sense!! Be as critical as you like.. Well ish! Here is the poem, thought you'd like to know:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

I grew up a victim of 'Life is a waste of space, there's no such thing as happily ever after.' Life was a reality and nothing nor anyone could change that. You were the perfect one to let me think these things. Are you talking about the her mother? All your life, anything thing that ever happened to you was a mistake, something horrible,so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground. Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life.This would sound better as, ''A nuisance, like everything else in life, that's what Mom said snow was.'' It looked fun and beautiful on the outside but if you got to know it well enough it just made life more difficult. However I was inteuigued intrigued by the surprisingly cold and crisp texture of the snow. It looked fluffy and almost cosy cozy from where I was standing yet I knew better then that. It was the one thing that made me question my mother's opinion on life. Snow didn't have to be a nusiance, you could choose. Choose whether you wanted it to let it get in your way or make the most of the annual snowfall - make excuses for days of school or work. I always loved the saying since;
"Some people dance in through the rain, others just get wet."
It made sense to me. I decided, there was two paths in life. 'Dancing in the rain' or 'Getting wet'.
My mother, I knew, was a victim of the 'getting wet' path. She wasn't a favorite in our small village and neither was my father. I feared I'd grow up the same. I tried to see the good in life's situations. At 15, I terrified myself by being a complete replica of my parents. Only a year later did something happen that made me change my mind.

A YEAR LATER
She's only 16 and has this much drama already?! "I don't know what's wrong with you, Meredith. You.. you just, everything has become pointless to you! I'm not sure I like it, like it at all! The second ''like it at all'' I think is unnecessary. You ruin everything, you make me think I can do nothing at all," You yelled, with accompaning hand motions. Maybe try,'' his hands gesturing wildly.''" No I don't, I'm just trying to make you see sense, what does hiking have to do with anything!? " I screamed back.
" Meredith, do you remember when we were young, watching the snow fall and you telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?"
"Yes of course I do," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
" Well you know what, you lied. You've become your mother but.. but even worse. Cut out the second ''but''. Why don't you just give up now? Huh? If nothing is making you happy or.. or me. Your character sounds like he's stuttering. If I don't even have any part in your life, then why don't you just leave? You hate everything I do, I say.. Every step I take through the door, I see this.. this deadness in your eyes. I like that sentence! If that's how you feel then I don't care. Because.. because I have a life Meredith. I know what I want and I know that I can reach it and I won't let you stop me," you finished, out of breath.
I stood there for a while letting his words sink in. Me hands trembled and I sat down. You ran your hair through your gorgeous brown hair and sighed, turning on your heel, setting yourself up for escape.
" I.. I don't.. I didn't.. Wait, don't leave. Please, John.. don't,"I cracked, watching you leave, hands tucked securely into your fleece.
I screamed and screamed at you, hoping you'd turn around, yet knowing you wouldn't. I collapsed onto the floor, hunched into a ball, sobbing.
And that's when the snow came. It came slowly at first, then it began to fall heavier and heavier. I was soon, surrounded in a mini wall of white. I didn't care. I wanted to die. I hated myself. I lay there getting colder and colder untill I sat up, shivering and started the long walk home.
Meredith do you remember when we were young watching the snow fall and telling me this whole thing about, swearing you'd never turn out like your mother?! Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
The snow was a sign. He was right. I was eveything he said I was. I had taken, no comma the road where all I was doing and had done was get wet. Here I was physically saturated, and mentally soaked.
It was time to change.

Hey I am going to review your work
This is a good sentence but I think that you could think of a better word than good, it stops the flow a little.

so when you found a man who was straight and good you married him and had a child. Me.

Now I stood looking out the window of my bare, white room watching the delicate snow flutter gracefully from the sky to the ground.

Mum said all snow was, was a nusiance and like everything in life.

I see this.. this deadness in your eyes.

Me hands trembled and I sat down.

Love the poem!!<3 Good idea writing a story about it. I noticed you put comma's in strange places and then didn't put them in where they really shoulda been. Read it over and you'll see what I mean. As for putting it in the "Fantasy' catagory I wouldn't. Fantasy usually has something magical or mystical to it. I'd consider this just plain Fiction. The begining is great, butthe whole YEAR LATER thing is a bit foggy. That's ok for now but do add a new chapter to clear things up please. Other than that GREAT JOB!

Hope you like this guys. My first ever fantasy story.
Kaka x