Golden girl.

Heheh. I didn't quite understand the title until I reached the end of the poem - I like what you did, taking on the phrase "I feel golden" and incorporating it into your writing. Definitely brought a smile. My only suggestion would be to add a bit more descriptive words and imagery, some punctuation, and to break up the poem into a couple stanzas. Again, they're just suggestions... whether you want to consider them is your choice since it's your writing. Good work.

I love this, its structure and rhythm is fantastic and kept me reading to the end.
Plus believe me when I say you have written what I have imagined happening many a time, perhaps one day it actually will. Ah well.
But... Carrying on with the review, I found this a really strong piece but i do think maybe a slight bit more descriptive imagery would help strengthen it.

Thank you. To be honest I don't think its THAT great but glad you like it.
xD

Hello again Kakagirl. This was AWESOME, needless to say. Anyway, the rhyming was amazing and I could grasp the storyline of the poem instantly. Golden Girl is an awesome phrase. Anywho. I love how you set it out, so its only bout four - six words a line, which makes it unique. better than I could do, any day.
Keep writing!
Georgie x

Ugh, the word crush bugs me. Suggestions?

Thanks for reviewing anyway guys.. This is my first ever poem! I'll kelp workin on it!! Thanks kaka x

kakagirl wrote:There she goes
The golden girl
The one, my lover's holding
She twists her hair
and lets him knoq
she's got no better place to go.
He pulls her up
and tells her straight
it can't go on between them.
She looks at him and shakes her head
and tells him no, love's never dead.
He walks away without a glance
Goodbye to Misses fancy pants!
He walks my way
I hang my head
to hide my smiling face
I realize his hands in mine
And suddenly i'm lost in time.
He's kissing me
no better world.
Now lets see who'sthe? Do you want a the in there? golden girl!

Here to review as requested! To start, nitpicks.

There she goes,
The golden girl,
The one, my lover's holding. How is the MC's lover holding the golden girl if "there she goes"? And if he's with the golden girl, then how is he the MC's lover?
She twists her hair
and lets him know
she's got no better place to go.
He pulls her up
and tells her straight
it can't go on between them.
She looks at him and shakes her head
and tells him no,-space here-loves never dead. You can either put this in quotes (because she's saying it) or you can just capitalize the N of "no."
He walks away without a glance.
Goodbye to Misses Fancy Pants! Misses should be either Miss or Mrs. or Missus.
He walks my way;
I hang my head
to hide my smiling face.
I realize his hands in mine
And suddenly I'm lost in time.
He's kissing me
no better world. I don't get what you're trying to say here.
Now lets see who's golden girl!

kakagirl wrote:There she go's
The golden girl
The one, my lover's holding
She twists her hair,
and lets him know
she's got no better place to go. 'Go' was in the first line and now it bothers me here because it was repeated. Especially because it was repeated for a rhyme.
He pulls her up,
and tells her straight.
It can't go on between them.
She looks at him and shakes her head
and tells him no,loves never dead. This line was slightly awkward to me. I think it would be better, our loves or their loves. Because who thinks love is never dead?