Published May 3, 2008
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Summer sands
In a crashing surf:
Rolling in the sea,
We will weave through soundless space
Under silver waves.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Autumn leaves,
Free to pirouette
Through the gentle breeze,
Under the warm, golden glow
Of the soft twilight.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Winter’s snow:
A white feather rain
In a breathless waltz
As the wind twirls round and round,
We’ll not touch the ground.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as Spring blossoms:
Delicate petals
Flutter together
In a flower’s minuet
Carried through the air.
May I have this dance?
We shall be as two Comets
In the velvet sky:
On trails of light
Where lead and follow entwine,
We leave Earth behind.
May I have this dance?
As the stars shine from above,
I have this one wish:
To hear you whisper
“I think this may be true love,”
While I hold you close.
May I have this dance?
Soaring across the night sky,
Together we’ll fly.
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Hey, loved your poem! You don't need to change a thing! If you ever entered a contest for poetry, you should use this one. I found absolutely nothing wrong with it. Keep up the good work!
It's beautiful, and i love the meaning. Repition is good, but i think there is too much Repition in your poem. You can try using "May I have this dance?" at the beginning of the fist, fifth and seventh stanzas. It sounds much better when you read it. Other than that, your peom is perfect. I love the whole earth and space imagery that you used throughout the peom.
You've already got the critiques and all, but I am adding another A++++++++ to your work.
Very poetic, indeed and love the imagery. Romance is bubbling in your words and there's a classy feel about this.
Oh wow. Really. So beautiful. I'm not bothered with the repetition, in fact I like to do it myself, too. But I must say I had to laugh at Vernon's sledgehammer.
There were still a few clichés, like the velvet sky and the flying thing in the end, but nothing else to criticize. Or actually, I think it should do well with the first four stanzas. When the year is over. It breaks the poem just a little bit to start about comets and stars.
But great job, really.
Wish you luck
Dmeter
Hi,
That was great. I really like how you went through the seasons and then the part about the space. My favorite stanza would have to be the second.
Again that was really good.
Keep up the great work.
Cait
This was very good. It conveys how love can be in some people in a different way than you would normally find. I thought that it was very well written.
The only thing that got a bit annoying was the repetition. A couple times is okay, but every stanza? It was just a bit much. Other than that though, I loved it.
Fantastic piece of poetry. I loved your use of poetic elements and the reptetion. There is really nothing that the others haven't covered. All in all, I just loved it.
Grade: A+++++++++++++
oh, its so beautiful. Im too young to understand love, but oh, I just love it. It makes me feel all fluttery inside. I think it is very beautiful and I really like it, so keep writing, cuz your good at it!
As all else have stated, this BEAUTIFUL poem could have gone without wthe repititions. Other than that, the imagery was magnificent! I love how speak of 'true love' through dancing!
I like how you used the repetition in the poem. Also the imagry was amazing. I always look for poems that have good imagry.
Wonderful, lyrical poetry
Your word power is astounding. I love the images you conjure up with each new stanza. I love it a lot.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work.
All my other comments have already been declared through the mouths of others.
8/10
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work.
All my other comments have already been declared through the mouths of others.
8/10
I disagree with Vernon. I liked the repetition but you should leave the stanzas be after you described the dance with the seasons. Keep the first four and the last stanza but omit
because I can find cliché in them.
I don't know if you did it on purpose but excellent assonance.
I hope this helps--
- Summerless
Ouch my head... I've heard of driving a point home but god please stop hitting my head it's painful! You keep telling us of the different way they dance, but the repetition. God... you really just really wanted us to know how wonderful this dance is but could of easily done that without being armed with a sledgehammer.
That's my limit on the repition of those lines anymore and it's painful.
It's a shame you really have some great imagery under it all, but armed with that dreadful sledgehammer I'm too dizzy to notice it all.
Overall: Fix repition and then pm me. I'll reread it. But please lose that god-awful sledgehammer.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Protest the Hero - The Divine Suicide of K
via FoxyTunes
I'll have to disagree with one of Suzanne's points. I didn't think it was too long at all. I didn't want it to end.
This piece really took me off guard, because when I read the title I expected it to be a very well-worn concept about romantic love, however at a closer look I quickly reconsidered my decision. It's gently brilliant. The first stansta is dripping in perfect imagery:
Secondly your word choice is spot-on. I'd go as far to say it was perfect. It's funny because I read this piece last night before I went to bed, and when I re-read it this morning I found I loved it even more.
The rhyme scheme took some consideration, but after a closer look although it seemed subtely fixed, such as when you ryhmed:
And then a few stansas later:
Anyway, this was great work. A top job, and a top piece. There's hard evidence of talent and a true commitment to good poetry.
PM me if you need any more work read.
Eimear
This is a truly romantic Poem. I just love the metaphors and the words you chose. There so simple but, the way you put them in place....... BRAVO BRAVO!!! I give this poem a perfect 10!!
I really enjoyed this although I agree wihth alot of what Suzanne said, the repetition got a bit weary and the ending wasn't strong enough. But the metaphors were great!
I like these terms of music, but I almost feel as though, if you're going to use them in two of the verses then use them (at least) in all of the seasons if not all the verses.I love this sentance!
the main problem with this is that it doesn't link all the verses. It links the last two before it, but it doesn't talk about the seasons. You need to make the whole connection.
I agree with Suzanne about the fact that there doesn't sem to be any concrete meaning to the poem, it's a bit aloof, and whispery, it needs something for the reader to take away except for the fact that it's beautifully written, that isn't quite enough.
I hope this doesn't sound to harsh, but what I say is what I see. Take it to heart and use the advice, improvement is the best part of writing.
I think your use of "May I have this dance?/We shall be..." went on for too long. I think you would do better to say it at the beginning, and then once more at the very end, for the final place where you ask the question. The repetition was too close together and just got annoying.
Your imagery, though, is beyond beautiful. I really love all the metaphors, and it is beautiful. But, I must say, I felt it went on too long. All this "We shall be..." but no concrete meaning to the poem. The ending also disappointed me. It's a beautiful poem, but it doesn't make me feel anything. True, I feel that it is beautiful, but by the end of it, I, your reader, am left with nothing. If anything, I'm left disturbed by the fact that someone with such beautiful use of imagery could use it in conjunction with such cliché a line as "I think this must be true love". I really hope you don't see that too much as an insult and more as a compliment to your imagery ability. The last stanza, also, didn't work as well as you may have hoped.
I think over all though, you do have good use of imagery. I think you could use less though. Use only what is necessary. Need you speak of it so many times? And having something for the reader, something behind the words, for the reader to be left with in the end would help a lot. Otherwise it is just a cliché dance poem, if rather beautiful! It's a strange combination, honestly. I'm used to either both bad poetry writing and bad topics, or good in both cases. I truly hope you do not take this as an insult, and of course, it is a critique of the poem and not of your skills. I don't doubt, from your words in other areas of the forum and the poem itself, that you could easily improve this and make it better. It just needs some ompf to render your reader completely speechless by the end.
If you have any questions, feel free to pm me!
It was good. *gives gold star for da heck of romantic poetry*
i enjoyed reading and feeling how much love is in two people.
This was very poetic.I would say that you were very educated. Love the connections with the seasons and space. This is a keeper.