Published May 28, 2010
Hahaha.
I’m supposed to laugh, right? Isn’t that the cue? So, out of nowhere, you finally decide to apologize?
Well, sorry.
Sorry.
That’s your line. Not mine. But it’s too late to use it now.
I’m sorry.
But you don’t have to be sorry anymore. I don’t care. There’s no sight of you in the present. I’ve left you where you’re supposed to be. In the past.
And I hope to see no sight of you in the future. Leave my future untouched. Leave it alone. Hopefully I’m no longer a burden to you.
A burden. A sack on your shoulder. You didn’t treat me like one at first, but now that my mind isn’t clogged up with your dumb face anymore, I can really see. See how very wrong I was. How I ruined your dumb appearance, your dumb self. How I embarrassed you.
Now you really want to wrap her up in your jacket when she’s cold. Her. Yes, that girl in the Pokemon shirt over there. You really want to wrap her up in it, and take her away with you.
But not as a sack.
Not as a burden.
But as a belonging.
A priceless belonging.
That’s not me. I wanted that to be me. Wanted. Get it? Past tense. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t need you anymore.
You think I’m stupid. Selfish. Stuck up. Dumb like all those other plastic fashion fanatic friends over there.
Heh. You’ve heard what everyone’s got to say about us. We’re heartlessly stereotyped every day. We can hear! We can feel!
We can see. We’re people, Jefferson. People. We have hearts, too. And they can be broken.
Just like mine. Just like yours.
And they can fall in love with anybody. Anybody!
Just like mine. Just like yours.
Go head off and away with your new, smarty-pants girl; buy her the fanciest pair of overalls and big frame glasses. Apparently she matches your intelligence, right? IQ of 500, or whatever. I don’t.
Do you think that I never actually loved you? Did you think Barbie was too good for you? Do you think Barbie could only pair up with a Ken? Did you finally think that it was all fake, and so very wrong?
I know that once, we both liked each other. Very, very much.
So, is she, that girl, your field? Do your dorky friends approve of her? And your dorky heart too?
And I thought we were the only ones that cared about appearance. Me and my friends. But…you? Caring about what everyone thinks of you liking, hanging around one of the acclaimed ‘dumb popular girls’?
Yes. That’s what I found out when our secret broke. When everyone found out. I embarrassed you in front of your dorky, ridiculous Mathletics friends. And…and you turned off all my friends, every single one of them too. But I, I still had hope!
But you left me. Just like that. You ignored me, treated me like I was just somebody. Some other person in this world, that had nothing to do with you. Pretended that you didn’t care about me. Pretended that you forgot about me.
When I met you, everything seemed to change. I thought it didn’t matter who you were, who I was. Just follow your heart, and everything will be fine. Be brave. Who cares what anybody thinks? Even if they found out about everything? Finally I snapped out of my daze. It took me a long time.
But no. I guess that’s all incorrect. It’s all ridiculous junk.
Smart Man is too good for me, and Barbie is too good for you. I was crazy, falling in love with a dork like you! Thinking that nobody else mattered, thinking ‘who cares what they think’, thinking that ‘everything will be fine’! And were you crazy, falling in love with me?
We both learned, didn’t we?
But you don’t have to be sorry anymore. I don’t care. It’s too late. We’ve returned back to how it should be. Back to ourselves. I’m back with my pretty girls, you’re back with your genius friends. And her. Why would I be jealous? Why should I be jealous of her? When I have someone like him around? Him. I suppose you can call him Ken.
There’s no turning back, there’s no looking back, there’s no thinking about the past. I don’t care about you, I don’t need you. It’s too late. This is how it should be. And this is how it’s meant to be.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Short Story?
Seriously, format this and you have a really good monologue.
I really loved this. It was sort cute, and sort of flighty. I totally know what your MC is going through. Boy drama, urgh.
But, you've created a nice, strong MC, which I happen to think is pretty awesome
Keep writing
~WickedWonder
Hey Kaedee,
This is good. Different too. I like the fact that A.) a dork and a barbie (as you put it) are together. And B that the dork dumped her and she's telling her side of the story. It's really good. Keep writing!
Sierra
this is really good! keep it uP!
I thought that it was very emotional and in some cases, funny. I could relate to that (THANKS A LOT. JOE!!) which made it easy to read and understand. I like how you made it from the point of view of one of those girls who wear makeup all the time and are really, really dumb. But, I also love how this girl wasn't dumb, but very emotional.
Georgie
I agree with Yuriiko that the root cause of this rant needs to be addressed more, or you run the risk of writing something that appears to be little more than a baseless, angry letter. Give us a bit more of the story, perhaps more than her wrath and malice? More of who she is and more of who he is, outside the stereotypes of "barbie" and "dork," though those got points across too.
All that said, you have some good lines here, and despite a little confusion, those lines kept me reading until the end. The start was a nice draw for me and some aspects of a story were conveyed very well. It expresses raw emotion incredibly and seems to come straight from a heart genuinely feeling it, then passing it to the reader.
Haha, thanks much, yuri! Whatever feedback you can give me is great. Thanx-
KD
Hello there, Kaedee!
) Sorry, if this is not a proper review. I'll like to comment (or nitpick) on things that really bothered me. You tend to cut-off sentences into phrases.
Oh, this seems to be an expressive or a telling piece. Wow, there's a strong aura coming from your MC as I read this. hehe. I like how the guilt, jealousy feeling came from the MC. It's believable and quite funny to read. (Or is it just me?
This is a good line for a poem not for a story, though you want to emphasize the differences of two things in here.
This is okay but maybe just try to italic things so we will know thoughts coming from your MC.
Also, your cut-off sentences slightly destroyed the flow of the poem. Another thing is that, try to tell the readers what is the exact problem bet. the girl and Jefferson.
"When everyone found out" what? You need to say the real mayhem bet. your characters. What is that secret? What is the reason why your MC feel bad to Jefferson: Is it because of the girl or about the broken secret? Tell us more of it.
Anyways, those are just some suggestions.
This is a good piece, Kaedee!
Keep writing!
Peace out!
_yuri_