Published April 24, 2010
I looked out the passenger window to see him standing on the side of the road, hand out, thumb up. He was soaking.
Jaw clenched, I turned up the radio as if it would keep him from noticing me. Lady GaGa drowned out the sound of my windshield wipers keeping the hail from blocking my view.
He recognized me. My heart sank. He started half-running half-jogging on the sidewalk, trying to keep up with my van. I was going at twenty miles per hour, after all. I desperately tried to speed up, but a dumb, overloaded Macy’s van was chugging along in front of me. My car was in the farthest lane right, closest to the black figure behind me. I glared at him through the rear mirror.
Finally I hit a stop light. He caught up, of course. Being right next to the sidewalk, he got up close to my car.
How could he feel so free to bang on my window? “Meryl. It’s me! You know me. Could you let me in? C’mon. Please?”
I sure know you. The traffic light turned green. I heard honks behind me. I cursed under my breath. Not looking at him, rather, in the other direction, I lowered the passenger side window. I yelled over the weather and the sounds of angry drivers, “Just get in. Get in.”
He yanked open the car door, then quickly slipped into the back seat. He knew that I didn’t want to see his face.
“Thanks,” he said, panting. I didn’t answer. Instead, I drove straight ahead, gripping the wheel tightly, chest heaving up and down as if I had been the one running alongside a car. “Thanks,” he repeated.
“I heard you, I’m not deaf,” I said through gritted teeth. I jerked the wheel suddenly, making a sharp swerve to the right.
He laughed. “Why is the music so loud then?” How could he feel so comfortable, at home in my car? His arm was wrapped around the seat next to him. He was in a lounge position, feet hanging lazily.
“You’re muddy,” I stated simply. I turned down the volume, and purposely switched the radio station to his least favorite: Country.
“I know so. You never got mad at me about it before, though. You never cared.” Instead of his unwanted presence, I tried to focus on faint guitar strumming drifting from the car speakers.
Yes, I never cared. Yes, the seats of my car were already pretty stained and dirty. They hadn’t gotten a good cleaning for a while, but I could blame that all on those horrid exams in the past few months.
“That’s because things were different then.”
Ah, finally some silence. But no, with him in the car, it was guaranteed that there would never be silence for long.
“’That’s because things were different then’,” he mocked. God, did he think he was funny? Cute?
“Just shut up, okay? Just shut up,” I said slowly, making sure to enunciate each word, as if speaking to a toddler. My anger and frustration was obvious. Then I said in a rush, “I’m doing you a favor, it’s not the other way around, I only let you in because I pitied you, and I should have just kept you out. Understand?”A tear betrayed me, slipping down my cheek. Before it could become the next topic of our broken up conversation, I harshly wiped it off with the heel of my hand, putting in the effort you would put in to scrub something dirty.
“You’re speeding.”
“Shut up.”
He laughed again. “You don’t want to get a ticket. I know you can’t afford it.”
Another tear slipped down my cheek. I tried to keep firm, emotionless. “I’ll kick you out. Why are you being such a jerk?”
“Why are you being such a jerk?”
“It’s your entire fault, and you know it.”
“You know you still…”
“No I don’t! You wish, but I don’t!”
“I can smell a lie.” He chuckled.
I was fuming. I don’t. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I repeated confidently in my head. I don’t still love you. But the voice sounded weaker and weaker as the ride went on. The voice then seemed unsure of itself. Then it started the questioning.
I was sorry that his apartment was straight across from mine. I finally pulled up to our street. I got out of the car. I didn’t bother opening the door for him. When he got out, he acted as if everything was how it was before. Almost.
He put his hand on my shoulder. Normally it would soothe me, but this time I was tense. Wary. Cautious.
He turned me around. Looked me in the eyes. Forgive me. Forgive me. Please.
I want to. My own eyes replied, But I can’t. You betrayed me.
I love you.
You don’t. You know what you did. I’m the only on-
I admitted it. I was dumb. You know it. His eyes were pleading. Desperate.
He wrapped his arms around me.
I gave in; I gave up. For the second time. I didn’t resist. I didn’t want to resist. The hail kept on pounding on the sidewalk, but I was oblivious to it all. I released a long held breath. In relief? My heart was content, even though I didn’t want to admit it. I was in his arms. Everything would be alright. Back to the way everything was before.
Let’s try again.
Did I only want to hurt myself more? Did I only want to pretend that he had learned from his mistakes?
I don’t believe in second chances anymore.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
That was very good. You're a great writer!
Aw.. This was such a great story. I'm practically crying.
This was just so toughing I don't thinkI've read anything so... so beautiful.
It was breathtaking, exactly what a story should be like.
I can't even find one fault-one fault!!
You are such a talented writer. You should never ever give up writing. Its obviously such a passion of yours.
All through when I was reading this I was just so involved in everything you wrote AND THE EYE CONVERSATION THING.
I have never encountered that thoruhg all my time on yws. It was so cool. Its all I can say.
It really fitted and wroked with the piece, I suppose you could say it clicked.
Have a merry christams and I hope to see more of your writing soon.
I'll reveiw any time.
Kaka xx
^^ Thanks, Jordan! You're not generally supposed to know exactly why he's standing out in the rain...I leave it to the reader to think of different ideas, haha.
This was good!
I just don't understand why he was standing outside in the rain.
But, I like how they loved each other, and she knew she'd give him another chance.
I also liked in the beginning how she tried to drownd him out by listening to Lady Gaga.
Good job, Keep Writing.
-jordan<3
Thank you so much everybody for the lovely reviews! Scream&Shout, I reviewed your latest chapter.
this is extremally good. from what i can see from this you should really keep writing. plz read my story, Wounded, and review. You wont be dissipointed.
That was good...I like the title too! I can't wait for the next one!
I really liked it. I felt it was realistic. The only thing I that bothered me was the main character seemed to lack quirks that made her stand out. For example: she's a really polite driver or drives with her thigh so she can use her hands to talk. That aside, your characters were both very believable.
Someone else mentioned before me that just a bit more insight into what made her so distrustful of her love interest would be nice.
Overall it was beautiful and I look forward to future pieces from you.
~Scar
I loved this. The whole time I read this, I was thinking of the many different times I'd been placed in this kind of situation. Maybe not the same setting, but the same situation. Good work on the writing.
I liked how your character learned something from this experience. It was believable, too. I would have liked to have seen what exactly happened between them that made her break up again, which is what I assumed she had done to make her not believe in second chances. I look forward to further work from you.
Hey, Kaedee.
I have one big piece of advice for you and I hope that you take some time to consider it. This problem really hit me when I read this line:
I guess I really hate when characters explain everything they are doing in their dialogue instead of just doing it. It's also not good practice to describe everything that the characters are doing, though. So where can these details be described? Well, try to only imply them.
For that section I pulled out, it just seems like the character wouldn't actually say something so full of exposition, but that you had her say it so the reader would understand. But if you took some out so it read like this:
I'm doing you a favor, not the other way around, understand?
If you did that, we'd get the same feeling and in fact MORE of the feeling without the extra bit of the sentence to bog us down. Take a look through the rest -- we don't need to know that she said 'i don't i don't i don't i don't' confidently, because the repetition implies that she'd be trying to convince herself by being confident in her assertion.
In short, you don't have to say everything. Look for places that you can take out sentences or words and keep the same meaning! ^___^
Let me know if you have any questions.
-Hannah-
Thanks, Areida! There's no such thing as too much feedback.
Hey Kaedee! It looks like you've already gotten some feedback, but here are my thoughts on this piece.
The Good
* Meryl is a cool name. Mrs. Streep shouldn't get to keep it all to herself, so props to you for using it for a teenage girl.
* I had a good sense throughout the story of what Meryl was feeling. Sometimes it's difficult to get inside a character's head, but I think you did a pretty good job here.
* Small details make a difference. They're listening to Lady GaGa, the rain makes it hard to see, the boy hates country music. Little things like that add up to a richer setting and story - keep taking the time to include them!
* The boy wasn't too perfect, which I think is great. If he's just adorable and wonderful and sweet and sensitive and just made one mistake one time and now he's sooo repentent... oh, gag. He's still picking at her and toeing the line between cocky and straight-up jerk, rather than groveling. And it makes sense. People don't typically want to grovel. You show that he's sorry without making him act ridiculous.
The Bad
* You don't have to tell us what he did, or why she's so angry and distrustful of him, but maybe a little more insight would be nice. I had no reason to personally dislike the guy. A few more details would allow readers to pass judgment for ourselves.
* Why is he hanging out in the rain? It seemed like he was hitchhiking... or was he just waiting for Meryl to come by? I found the whole setup to be confusing.
The Ugly
* Just kidding. There really wasn't any "bad" either, just things to consider for future revisions and other stories.
Thanks for the read! Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have questions.
That helped a lot. Thank you thank you thank you!
Edited.
I'm sorry, I just hate cultural references ;3 You don't have to, but I would recommend simply saying "the music drowned out..."
*lol. I love internal dialogue.
Lol, he's so obnoxious. He doesn't feel at all uncomfortable running up to the narrator's van and begging her to let him in.
I just love that line. It's totally something I say all the time xD
Whaaaat? What's wrong with country? He's a close-minded jackass, is what he is. Jerk.
We can figure out that he's being annoying. Live by the rule that you should omit everything that isn't necessary.
* I just like that line :3
** I wouldn't imagine that you would say that slowly. Usually when you're telling somebody to shut up, your voice is raised and you're speaking loudly because you're angry.
*** I didn't know your hand had a heel. Huh.
* * * * *
Intense, man. Woah. Actually, now that I think about it, it's good that you keep the characters on a low-profile, and you don't go overboard with description on them. The story is obviously not to introduce characters, because it's a one-shot deal, so everything is good as it is. You're a real talented writer, and don't worry about "oh, it's my first time writing a romance." Kind of a dumb thing to say, honestly. Some people write only romance and completely suck. So. Great job! Keep writing!
Thanks for the review!
“I’m doing you a favor, it’s not the other way around, I only let you in because I pitied you, and I should have just kept you out. Understand?”
This part I was trying to show that she was saying this all in a rush, all in one sentence, basically, even though it isn't grammatically correct...I guess it didn't work.
Hey there Kaedee
Here to review as requested.
I didn't really understand this. What does being free have to do with tapping on a window?
I think that the comma should be a period.
The repetition of 'The seat next to him' kind of bugs me here!
The second comma should be a period.
Replace the second period with a comma.
Overall
I'm glad that I read this. It was quite a sweet little story! I do have to agree though with the other reviewers, you need to use more description, especially when it comes to the characters. I don't actually know what they look like. It's always good to be able to see the characters in your head.
Nit-picks aside, I do like your writing style. There were hardly any grammar mistakes, which made me happy! Also, I did like the idea of the story itself as well. My only problem with it is why the guy was running in the rain?
I'm definitely glad I read this! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thanks for the feedback, guys!
Lol...yes I have?Hey Kadee, your neighborhood vampire is here to review! Like Nike said for your first romance piece. The only thing I wished that you seriously did was to add more descriptions to your characters, but all in all it was solid and I didn't spot any mistakes. Thank you for the read. Keep writing.
for your first time its not that bad. did you ever write before this? its good really. but you need to describe more in everything and characters. to tell you the truth I've skipped some parts cause i lost interest in between. grab the readers attention!
Nike