Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
As the sun hit my skin, I relaxed and thought about the day’s events. The new teacher for history,
Mr. Azazel, was kind of big news in our school. It was rare that teachers were fired, but our old
teacher apparently was found out to be an advocate for taking down the royals. It was considered
to be a crime punishable by death if anyone was found secretly hating any government officials. I
opened my eyes when I heard some voices in the distance. Usually no one dares come this close
to the wall. It’s considered to be bad luck amongst many people, but I rather like the quiet solitude.
Just me, and my thoughts. It was a group of guys around my age, probably daring one another to
go touch it so that they could be a part of whatever secret club they made. After school, boys and
girls who are uncured are allowed to mingle, but any long-term conversations are highly
discouraged. If you are seen with the same guy 2 days in a row, it is deemed dangerous because
one of them may develop an infatuation, which leads to sex. The royal family banned any sort of
intimate relationships between the non-cured, not just to control population, but scientists
discovered that it will only lead to loneliness, depression, and eventually suicide. The effects of not
being able to love are dangerous. I sit up and grab my bag. I can’t stay too long tonight because it
is my chore night. I usually finish everything Thursday night so I can spend Friday out late, but I
didn’t get it finish everything because my sister, Shayla called. She’s been cured for almost 2
years now and fell in love with a guy named Thomas. They moved out and got married not too
long after they were both cured. I trudge back down the narrow streets, trying to go as slowly as
possible. By the time I reach home, the air was just starting to have a slight chill to it. My mother
was in the kitchen doing the dishes when I walked in. “Leah! Dinner is already finished. You are
home too late again because I’ve almost got the dishes done.” She said in a stern pitchy voice.
“I know, sorry, I stopped by the park again before I came home,” I replied. She rolled her eyes and
dried her hands on the towel that was laying over the oven handle. “Whatever. You can finish
dishes and then finish anything that is left on your list of things to do tonight. Don’t stay up too late
because tomorrow is a big day.” I nod curtly and start without any argument. I know its better to
not fight with my mother right now. Tomorrow is the day that the royal family invites any 15-year-
old that has been labeled as immune to Aneurohysteria. It is filmed for the public and all the
families in the city will be watching the choosing tomorrow. It doesn’t really interest me, but I know
if I say this to anyone, especially my mother, I could be labeled as an advocate for freedom. I
finish everything I need to do and head to bed. Sleep claims me fast.
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hey, it's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:
- The name Mr. Azazel is fire
- I don't know why but this reminds me of Descendants??
- Yeah, this definitely gives off Descendants (in a good way)
The Good Stuff
- The worldbuilding in this isn't too packed into specific areas. Instead of making a whole paragraph about the world, you create scenes that lead to questions and explanations. (Good job!)
- We finally get to see a bit of the parents
- You have a good balance of action and description
Room For Improvement
- You have great worldbuilding (i.e. 'description') but we don't actually get to see a lot of the world. What does the park look like, or the wall? What do the people look like? Does the disease affect this? These are a few of the questions I would ask myself when writing a story like this.
- Worldbuilding and action are balanced well, but it feels like one big paragraph instead of a chapter. I would suggest indenting instead of making it one long piece of writing. (And make sure to indent when someone starts speaking!!!!)
- This was a great addition to the story, and your idea keeps getting better! Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie
Hey there friend! Ellie here with a quick review and some feedback on this piece! Let's get right in:
You set this up pretty well. I find these sentences to be engaging and a great start. This instantly puts us into the world that you have created, where there are royals, who apparently the teacher was trying to take down. I assume that this means he was trying to kill/ assassinate them? But perhaps it is less than that.
I have so many question, like why are they trying to control the population and who are the uncured? How do these royals have so much power? Also that first sentence sounded a bit like it was the mens actions that would lead to a relationship, which makes it seem like women have no power in this situation. That part confused me a bit, but I really like this plot. It feels very dystopian.
This should be edited to "...I've almost got the dishes done," she said in a stern pitchy voice.
It should end with a comma and the she should not be capitalized, even if that is the end of the sentence.
That 'sleep claims me fast' ending sentence was awesome! This is a perfect ending because she falls asleep, so now I am assuming the next part will be once she wakes up. Overall, very interesting plot and I am eager to read more. Nice work!
Your friend,
Ellie
I loved this! My only complaint is the (lack of) paragraph breaks. I would suggest you run your chapters through Grammarly or something similar if you don't know where to put paragraph breaks. Other than that, your word word choice is solid and nothing brings me out of my immersion through its constant repetition. Keep on going!
That%u2019s probably a good idea, I never thought of running it through grammarly. Thank you!
That%u2019s probably a good idea, I never thought of running it through grammarly. Thank you!
Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in for a second review I figured Since I did the First part I should do the second one. I am glad we got to see a bit more of the world in this I am getting a kind of Hunger Games meets certain parts of The Scythe series. Overall, I do enjoy it but like always I do have some nitpicks one that might be a little bit frustrating and the others are pretty stock craft-based/phrasing-type things.
starting off I feel the setting could do with some more details both sensory and general. I.e is the wall covered in dust is there grass how well kept is it? what does the inside of the MCS house look like what smells are there, stuff like that? It can make the world feel even more real and alive.
Secondly, I do like we get more info and I do know some will have to be point-blank told I feel there are also more immersive ways to get across. Perhaps the mc finds some wanted poster of the old teacher or the kids walking by are still talking about it. for the event maybe after the mother said that the big day is for the TV could play and we have a snippet giving us a run-down kind of like an ad for a show or news before big events in our world.
there are also a few phrases I would tweak, then I will give you the bit that will frustrate you.
"I can’t stay too long tonight because it is my chore night." I would change that to "I can’t stay too long tonight because it's still my night to do the chores. " If you want you can change Night to turn as well.
"not just to control population" I would change this to " not just to control
the population" or "not just as population control."
Okay, although I am glad you were open to us about the spacing it seems a bit extreme. I would keep them as normal paragraphs but make sure there's a gap between the paragraphs. For dialogue, it would also be treated like a paragraph and would be on its own with a space ( I am also well aware it could be the copy and paste being weird.)
It's a very interesting story my apologies if I come off as harsh.
Keep writing and remember to drink water.
Haha thank you for reviewing the second part! I%u2019ll definitely revise my sentences later I am just trying to get a rough draft down of what the plot will be about. I%u2019ll work on my spacing