Ok, this is just really a bit of cute, fluffy fun, it isn't supposed to be that great, but i would still like opinions on it, and suggestions on how to improve it.
Thanks.
♥ Art Boy
He has brown hair. Not dark brown, not light brown, something-in-the-middle brown. It’s not very long, but it’s not short either. It’s just long enough to be considered shaggy, or floppy even. It doesn’t have a particular style. It just kinda sits there, on top of his head, sometimes hanging in front of his eyes.
I love his hair.
His eyes...well...to be honest, I’m not the best person to describe them. Unfortunately, I’ve never been in the position to study them like I really want to. From afar, I can tell you, that they look green. Not really a magnificent shade of green, actually it’s kind of dull, from afar anyway.
His lips are thin, the bottom one just a little more plump than the top. His smile though, is stunning. Not that I’ve seen it that often. He has two perfect rows of perfect white teeth, not a single one crooked or out of place.
His face is, in a word, beautiful. With a complexion paler than milk, and the angled jaw of a high class model, he never fails to take my breath away.
I suppose I should be embarrassed that a guy can affect me that much, but what the hell, it’s not like he notices.
For a whole year now we’ve been going to the same school; taking the same classes; even catching the same bus, and not once has he talked to me. It doesn’t bother me much, I’ve never made the effort to talk to him either.
That’s where I am now, on the bus, with him sitting at the front facing me, while I sat in the middle staring out of the window, sneaking subtle glances at him every now and then. He always sits in the same seat at the front of the bus, one of the seats that face the back while the majority of the others face the front. It used to make me kinda nervous because I’d always get the feeling he was watching me. I needn’t have worried though, he was always to busy drawing to notice me.
Every day he’d get on the bus, sit in the same seat, pull out his sketch book and draw for the entire thirty minute journey. God knows what he would draw; I doubt he got much inspiration from his surroundings. But sure enough, his pencil would keep on flitting across the page, only to stop when the bus was approximately one minute away from his stop. He’d pack up, get off the bus and leave me to wonder what it was that he’d drawn that day, until it was my turn to get off the bus, just one stop after him.
I wonder where he lives.
It obviously can’t be that far away from me, but then again, I never see him out and about. I never bump into him on the way to the grocery store, or see him hanging around with friends when I’m out hanging around with friends.
He has a lot of friends. Well, fans really. He’s not the most popular guy in school, but he certainly has a solid fan base. Us girls just love the quiet, mysterious type, and he’s the epitome of quiet and mysterious.
He hangs around with a couple of loud jocks, but he’s known for being the more reserved one. It’s kind of weird who he chooses to hang around with really. He’s not a jock, he’s not loud, he’s not a player. Or at least, I hope he isn’t. And if he is, I’d rather not know about it. I’m not sure I’m ready for my delusions to be shattered just yet.
I looked at him. His legs were propped up on the empty seat in front of him, his sketch pad resting on his knees as his hand, comfortably holding a pencil, moved swiftly across the page.
His eyebrows were drawn into a slight frown, and I wondered what was wrong. Maybe his picture wasn’t going right, or maybe he’d used the wrong pencil for a certain part.
I shook myself from my thoughts, looking back at his face, and—oh crap, he’s looking right at me.
I tried to act nonchalant as I turned my head to once again look out the window, but I’m pretty sure the blush quickly forming on my cheeks was giving me away. I was mortified.
He’d caught me staring at him! I’d been getting the same bus as him for over a year and not once had he noticed me! Now he’d caught me staring he probably thought I was a freak or a loser or something.
I groaned. I just wanted to get off the bus and never have to see him again, but I’d only been on for fifteen minutes, so there were another fifteen left.
Turning to look around the bus, I tried to act casual, but when my gaze landed on him for all of one second, I knew that he’d seen right through me. He was still looking at me, and he was smirking.
He’d caught me staring, and now he was smirking at me. Ass hole. He couldn’t just forget it could he? No. He has to make me even more embarrassed.
I decided to stop being such a wimp about it. He’d caught me staring, the damage was done. But he was not gonna sit there, smirking at me, making me feel like an idiot. I was not gonna let him get to me.
Making eye contact, I narrowed my eyes at him and scowled. I was sending him lots of angry vibes and mental messages, telling him to stop looking at smirking at me. It didn’t work.
In fact, my plan had the opposite affect. He broke out into a fully fledged grin. Not a smile, a grin, and an arrogant one at that.
I gave up, sinking lower into my seat, and once again turning to look out of the window.
I was mentally scolding my self for getting caught in the first place, when movement caught my attention.
He was picking up his back pack from the floor and standing up. This wasn’t his stop, was it? No. He hadn’t even pressed the bell.
Everything was suddenly made clear when he caught my gaze, smirked once more, and started moving up the aisle, towards me.
My eyes widened as I started to panic. What the hell was he doing?! This isn’t how it was supposed to be. He was just supposed to sit there drawing while I watched him from the corner of my eye. He wasn’t supposed to acknowledge me! And he certainly wasn’t supposed to plop himself down right next to me, which is what he just did.
I didn’t look at him, I just glared out of the window as my cheeks grew hotter and hotter.
He cleared his throat.
I ignored him.
He did it again, twice as loud.
Breathing deeply, trying to control my racing heartbeat, I slowly turned my head towards him.
“Can I help you?” I wanted to smack myself. It was supposed to some out strong and uninterested, not weak and quivering!
The grin was back, and I could tell that he was dying to burst out laughing.
“You were staring at me,” he said bluntly. I wanted to die. This was not happening!
“I..I—no I wasn’t!” I protested hotly, although I knew full well that I was.
“Yes, you were,” and again with the bluntness. What is up with him? He’s supposed to be all quiet and reserved, not arrogant and confrontational!
“No, I wasn’t,” I said, sounding a little more confident. “I zoned out while I casually glanced at you,” I said, giving a small nod, as if it would hinder any further argument.
“Casually glanced, huh?” He said, wearing a small smile. “If that’s the case, then why are you blushing so bad?”
I glared daggers at him. I’d forgotten about the blush, I thought I’d talked my way out of a majorly embarrassing situation, but no, he just had to bring up the blush!
“I was not blushing! I was just...um...I was just cold!” It was a good job that there was hardly anyone on the bus, because at this point I was slightly hysterical, and my volume level was perhaps a little too high.
“Yeah, I can understand that, you know since it’s the middle of summer and all,” he smirked, giving me appointed look. Ok, maybe lying isn’t the best option with this guy.
“Ok ok! I was staring at you, happy now?” The huge grin that made it’s way onto his face confirmed it. “I don’t get why you’re being such an ass about it. Just go away.”
“I’m not being an ass, I just wanted to know why you were staring at me,” he said lightly, not taking offence at all to me calling him an ass.
Ok, think! Think damn it! You can’t tell him you were staring at him because you think that he’s really really hot and that he has nice hair that you want to run your fingers through and that you want to study his eyes...
“I was just wondering what you were drawing, that’s all,” I said, as if it was obvious.
“Oh,” his smile wavered. He looked away for a moment, before turning back and giving me a small nervous smile. Why was he nervous? He wasn’t the one who’d been caught staring by a really hot guy who they’d been crushing on for a year! “You wanna see?” he asked, gesturing to his sketch book with his hands.
“Um...ok,” I said a little hesitantly. What was with the sudden change? One minute he’s teasing me and acting all arrogant, the next he’s acting all nervous and letting me look at his art. Maybe he’s bipolar.
He handed me his sketch book, and if I’d have been paying more attention, I probably would have noticed that he was being a little reluctant about it, but I didn’t.
I took the book from him, placed it on my lap, flipped the cover open and gasped. Well, I wasn’t expecting that. I studied the page, the soft, elegant pencil lines. The amazing details. The small signature in the corner of the page. It was amazing.
I flipped the page, and let out another soft gasp. He was certainly a brilliant artist. Flipping through the pages, I found that they were always of the same thing, just in different positions and poses. I came across the last page, the unfinished drawing from today.
It was almost complete, which was remarkable, since he’d only been drawing for fifteen minutes. The only part of it that wasn’t complete was the eyes. My eyes.
The sketch book was full of drawings of me, and nothing else. I couldn’t think, and so I blurted out the first thing that came into my head.
“You never even look up.”
He’d been watching intently for my reaction, and was a little taken aback, but smiled none the less.
“And how would you know, unless you’ve made a habit out of staring at me?”
My eyes widened and I shook my head a little forcefully, about to protest.
“No—“
“It’s ok,” he said, for the first time giving me a warm friendly smile. “I stare at you too. I just try and be discreet about it.”
I scowled at him, before the meaning of his words actually hit me. He stares at me. He stares at me, while I stare at him, because I like him, and he...he likes me?
I looked up at him, the question in my eyes.
Do you like me?
He was still smiling slightly, as he gave a small nod of confirmation.
I broke out into a huge smile, before telling him to finish the picture.
Today, I didn’t get off the bus at my regular stop, I got off at his stop, because he wanted to walk me home.
When I entered my house, over an hour later, it was with a huge grin on my face and slightly swollen lips.
The guy with the brown hair, the green eyes, the perfect smile, was now my boyfriend. He was finally mine.
My art boy.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Lol, don't worry i never get tired of people saying they like my work ^^
And yeah, when i eventually get round to rewriting this, i'll slow it down a little bit
Thanks for the comments, which are still coming months later lol.
Kadie x
I know you're probably tired of other people's comments by now. Especially since we say almost the same thing over and over again. I'm afraid I'm going to have to strain your patience quota a bit more by saying, I LOVED THIS!
I wish it would happen to me. Except I'm not exactly looking forward to making out the minute I step off a bus. Once again, I'm going to echo previous comments by saying it was too rushed. Still, great job! *thumbs up*
Awwwwwww That Was amazing
I loved that!
I got no critiques though...really great!
Ok, betsyy i've sent you a PM.
To everyone else, please do not post my work around the net. It's against the site rules, which you should have read, to post other peoples work without their permission. I'm pretty sure it's a bannable offense.
Betsyy i'm really glad that you liked my story, but i do not want it posted around the net.
omfg,
i.freakin.love.it
man,this remind me of my past.
you deserve 89,215,563,464,556,425 stars =D
its such a cute,flirty,and mysterious story.
i'm going to post your story on myspace & my website.
that's how much i love it.
this needs to be a series
like n o w
As soon as I read that, my heart skipped a beat! The love was just so overwhelming that my own heart felt as if it were in the story,I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I thought this was just a really cute story. That was adorable how she was so nervous and yet he liked her anyway.
There were only a few things I noticed:
I would change this to He has two rows of perfect white teeth, not a single tooth askew or out of place.I would fix this so it reads Now he'd caught me staring. He probably thought I was a freak, a loser, or something.
The only thing here was that it should be I was sending him lots of angry vibes and mental messages, telling him to stop looking or smirking at me, or whatever he was doing!
Instead of It was a good job, it should be It was a good thing that there were harldy anyone on the bus, because at this point I was slightly hysterical and my volume level was perhaps a little too high.
Okay, the only reason I put this in here because this line made me smile *beams* because of the bipolar thing. It just made me laugh!
Overall, it was an adorable piece. The only thing I think you could do to improve it is to maybe start with a more gripping hook to draw your reader in and that you could use some more description in your story. Otherwise, I found this really enjoyable to read!
Can I have Art Boy's number please?
Or maybe a younger brother of Art Boy's?
Haha, this is so up my alley you wouldn't believe.
=P
the part about when she finds out that he was scetching her made me laugh out loud.^,^
-em
I love your sense of description...I can so clearly picture everything. It shows how much the narrator pays attention to the Art Boy.
Those are the only two mistakes I could find that really destracted me. In the first one "to" should be "too". In the second, you seemed to have some trouble with changing tenses.
Wonderful job, bravo!!
~Bella~
a gr8 story, keepup the good work..
a gr8 story, keepup the good work..
Lol, thankyou summergrl13
I think the stars represent the number of reveiws you have given, and your forum status depends on your post count, or something like that.
But i'm glad you liked my story
Kadie xxx
You write stories like this and you've only got one star?!?!?! I loved your story and I think you should be at least a speaker of the forum person;)!! Seriously loved this story! You need to continue to write more of this! 0(o.o)0
I guess you guys must really be into fluff huh? Since you keep commenting
Well thanks, i appreciate it. Tis a real confidence booster.
I'm working on my first serious full length novel at the moment, the first chapter/prologue should be posted soon.
It will contain lots of fluff and lots of funny scenes so i think you'll like it.
I'll let you know when it's posted :p
Thanks again.
I really love this story, I added it to my favourites on FP.
I love your description of "Art Boy", he's adorable. This story is adorable.
AH! *motions for you to come by* *HUGS*
Swear I almost....almost fell for your art boy. Nice job at writing. 
Hats off!
=
Such a butterflies-in-tummies initiator.
=maybe you could come by mine and R&R my works? ;p not a promising writer i am, but what the hell..
Again.. I loved it so much. I cant stop reading it over and over again!! ♥♥♥
aahh I love this (:
The title didn't attract me that much, just to tell you, but the end of that first paragraph completely changed my mind.
I related so much to that character xD
Cutest story.
Beautiful Story.
This is amazing! I stumbled across it and was like oh... right, but loved it! It's really great, honestly loved it! But I spotted this...
"he was always to busy drawing to notice me."
Shouldn't it be "too busy drawing.." I'm not sure though because I ALWAYS get mixed up with too and to, :S
But anyway amazing , really:)
Hey Kadie,
you absolutely saved my day with this! Now I feel all fuzzy inside.
I don't feel like going through this again and spoiling the fun of it by searching for errors and I didn't find any right away. I love this. Really.
I guessed, that he was drawing her pretty soon, but that didn't spoil it at all, because there was this moment of doubt, when they started talking to eachother. Wow. I really like this
Keep it up!
~Kalliope
i love your story!
i love the way you describe the boy!
i bet he is really hot.
i wish this happens to me or something!
Definately cute! I liked it a lot! It was pretty funny in some parts and that was good. Art guys are definately the best, as well as mysterious and quiet.(Two nice descriptive words, by the way.) I thought it was kind of short, but bus rides are always short.
Besides that I don't really have anything else to add. 
*~*Foreseer*~*
This is so cute! Oh my heck I love it. I could really see what was going on in the story, it has great potential. Please keep writing! Great job.
There were quotation marks... Just not around the thoughts...
Awwwwww.... That was my first reaction to this story. It is definitely rather fluffy, but those are always good to read once in a while.
This was really cute. I've had my experience with staring at guys, and I always wished that this scenario would happen to me, but so far it has not. Lucky girl with her art boy. *pouts*
Great story. My only complaint is - echoing what everyone else has said - that the end came really fast. Noooo!
~GryphonFledgling
The one way to guarantee I (and, I assume, many others) don't want to read something is to put something cutesy in the title. Like a heart. Especially in Romantic Fiction. Just thought I'd let you know
And, sorry to harp on formatting things, but it's really better if you just post in normal text. The bolded words go kinda hard on the eyes sometimes.
At the beginning of this I wanted to groan and say "just define his hair and move on already!" But then it ended with it just sitting on his head, and I thought that was cute, so I guess I'll leave off it. I will, however, say that the continuing description of every single facial feature this boy possesses is rather trying on one's patience and without it being interspersed with something tangible, like character development relating to personality or action, it reads exactly like an info dump. A well worded infodump, but an infodump all the same. I see you've ended it with "I suppose I should be embarrassed..." and that is nice in that it gives a reason for all that description, but I think it would be more effective were the description to be integrated into the story. Say there's a scene where she's watching him in the lunch line. That gives a reason for her to be noticing all these things because he's right in front of her. Anyone might have noticed him. But! she'd be the one who notices him the longest, who memorizes his every detail. And that would give description and character development while layering over story. At the beginning here, there's just the description, nothing to hang it on, you know? So I begin with the "why do I need to know this?" thought instead of the "man, that girl's obsessive" thought I think you were going for. Also, just his face is described? I don't know whether he's now tall or short or thin or stocky; if the narrator noticed all these things about his face, it would seem she'd notice other characteristics about him as well.
This is a summary paragraph. As such, it does nothing to advance the action or the story. I vote you scrap it and integrate the feelings and ideas of it into the paragraph that follows it, where she's watching him on the bus. Actually, while she watches him on the bus might be a good time to introduce all that description about his physical features.
Be careful about being redundant! The struck out phrase above just reiterates what the text around it shows. And it's always better to show rather than to tell!
In the part where she's sitting on the bus and he catches her looking at him, the pacing is perfect ^^
You might want to take another look at this sentence. It has passive voice in the "was suddenly made clear" phrase. I'd take the "made" out of that phrase as it's unnecessary and plodding. You might also want to break this into two sentences, the break coming between "caught my gaze" and "smirked once more" to increase the tension.
This section also includes a nice blend of dialogue and description/dialogue tags. I only wonder why no one else on the bus is watching this exchange? In my experience, when something like this happens, everyone wants to chime in. On characterization, the boy seems a little too prince-charming. Ex:
(take out "at all" because it's cluttering the strength of the sentence) He speaks lightly and is unoffended. Both those things are fine, but the impression given is that he just brushed them off, like he's too perfect to care about either of those things. It makes him seem haughty, and like he isn't a real person. Personally, I'd use a different word than "lightly" and I'd show how he didn't take offense. Maybe he rolled his eyes because he thought she was too juvenile for it to matter, maybe he shifted his posture to show that that was more important to him than replying to those statements. Both those things are 'tangible' visual ways that the reader can see he didn't take offense.
Lose the rhitorical question of "What was with the sudden change?" and "one minute.. the next" part. They're both cliches and as such, the narrator's voice becomes lost. The reader is taken out of the story.
If she didn't notice, how can she later know he was reluctant?
And how did she know they were her eyes? I don't think I'd recognize my eyes. A whole face, yeah, or if there was some scar or birthmark on her eye, but just an eye? I don't know 'bout that one...
How was the boy taken aback? How does she know this?
End his phrase with "I stare at you too". The rest takes away from the impact. Don't overexplain the simplest things!
Take out "the meaning of". It's overexplination of something that's understood.
How does he know she's asking "do you like me?" just by looking in her eyes? Maybe he had a pimple on his forehead or something
The ending was too rushed. Here, before, there was all of this lovely description and such, and then it's like "okay, plot resolved, let's make out!" It's too rushed. I think an ambiguous ending might be better, actually, something like "... because I like him, and he... he likes me?/ Today I didn't get off the bus at my regular stop because he wanted to walk me home, the guy with the brown hair..." because the point is that they've realized they like each other, and you now want to finally resolve the conflict.
Yes, it's fluff, but it's actually pretty well written fluff, much better than I've read elsewhere! ^^
I'm sooo happy with the reviews for this. I havn't edited it yet but when i get round to it i'll be sure to post it. You guys are so helpful
You're awesome, thankyou 
And bookgeek, your critique was very in depth and positive and it really made my day. Thanks.
great story
one thing though u need quotation marks around words spoken by characters.
This story left me blushing in the middle of my study hall. It was kinda thrilling in a love type way. The plot was good. It reminded me of what happened to me during the last day of school:
It was the last day of school. My tough-as-nails English teacher decided for the rest of our poem project we had to recite two of our poems in front of our grade. There was this guy I had a serious crush on since the year started. He knew I liked him, but when he asked me I lied to his face. We've never talked about it seriously. I stared at him in my seat in my school's pit theater. I was very discreet. Not discreet enough. He caught me staring at him a couple times and I caught him staring at me. Then, we would just stare at each other, not caring if the other is watching. We were in our own world. After that day I've never saw him again because he moved.
See, your story is just like mine, just with a happier ending.
You got such a solid characterization of both your characters. the length of your piece was just suitable enough to let them mature... it was romantic as it is supposed to be though you never forced it to become one... the naturalness of your narrative added to the deliciously flavored menu of all the setting, the characters, the dialogues (which is not too few nor too much) and plot. the climax was well constructed... your stasis (opening of the story) was not boring, though you may want to be careful at times because pure narrative at the first part would bore the readers (though like what I've said, it wasn't the case here) while the trigger (the event wherein your main character was caught staring by the other one) was excellent... antagonism was cool (actually, you had 2 levels... intra and interpersonal) which gave dynamics on the overall story... nice work. Continue writing!
I love your descriptions of the boy. Do you ever just sit in a corner and observe people, write tidbits about their appearances and mannerisms? If you don't and you just completely think I'm off my rocker, that's cool. And, again, if you don't, you might want to try it. People are better than monkeys!
A little off topic. Anyway...
I like where you decided to put in breaks, and how you described the conversation between the boy and girl, especially when the girl was heated. It kept me interested.
Great work.
I would first like to say that I thought your story was quite lovely. It is nice to read a quick short story every once in a while that is just plain cute and adorable. Very nicely done.
I really have no suggestions that others haven't made and overall it was really very sweet.
I liked this the same as everyone else who's commented so far, so I'll point out a few things that I found wrong about it, to me, at least.
While it was written very well, with a good balance of dialogue and description, I found it to be fairly predictable. Right after you mentioned that he always faced her on the bus while drawing, I knew that he was drawing her. There's nothing particularly wrong about being perdictable, and I know that this is kind of a casually-written short story, but I always like for there to be a bit of an unexpected twist. As for the characters, you didn't give very much description to the girl. I understand that the Art Boy is the main character that this story focuses on, but you could have described how she looked when she saw the drawing or something. As for the Art Boy, he seems like a Gary Stu, him being all perfect and all. I guess that I just find characters like him to be unlikable, but that's just an opinion.
You don't have to take any of this to heart, since this isn't a very serious work, as you said. So, thanks for the entertainment that the story provided! Keep writing! =3
Oh, and by the way? You don't need to bold the font. It's got enough to stand on its own, darling.
--seree.
I really enjoyed this. Just a couple of things:
That’s where I am now, on the bus, with him sitting at the front facing me, while I sat in the middle staring out of the window, sneaking subtle glances at him every now and then. He always sits in the same seat at the front of the bus, one of the seats that face the back while the majority of the others face the front. It used to make me kinda nervous because I’d always get the feeling he was watching me. I needn’t have worried though, he was always to busy drawing to notice me.
I just feel the words "face" and "front" are used too much. Try reading it out loud, you'll see what I mean.
In fact, my plan had the opposite affect. He broke out into a fully fledged grin. Not a smile, a grin, and an arrogant one at that. -Should be effect, not affect.
That's all I can see for now. No, but really, I honestly enjoyed this lots and lots. I especially liked your opening, I thought it was really nice and simple, your protaganist strikes me as the kind of girl that doesn't write and this is how she sees things. Tip of the hat to you for managing to write that, it' difficult sometimes to come off as a different character to who you yourself are. No, I really like it, and I'm looking forward to reading more by you.
wow i thought that was really good, cute and friendly. Im not really a romance guy, but I thought this was great!
Wow, i honestly expected this to be ripped apart.
I got a burst of inspiration for this one day, and that inspiration kinda trailed off half way through, so yeah, i agree that it's really rushed.
I will get round to revising it one day, because this hasn't really been edited much, just a couple of quick read throughs is all.
But i just had to write SOMETHING to get the idea to stop nagging at me, if you know what i mean, hehe.
Thanks for all the reviews. They're much appreciated.
Aww, this is so cute!
Ditto. The pacing was a bit too fast, but other than that, this is so awesome!
Anyways. I think Alice got all the nit-picks... I'm a bit rushed right now, so my apologies for a lame critique.
Cheers for an adorable story,
Camille
I love your description, its something like I would write.
While "he's" can be used for "he is" or "he was" it first struck me as "he is" and threw off all the tenses. Try writing out "he was".
This is my kind of mental breakdown.
IS that supposed to be dialog or mental thought process?
It strikes me as more of a blurb than a short story, but at the same time more short story than blurb, maybe something from a novel? *hopeful look* I don't usually get into the girly novels like what this would be, unless you did an unexpected twist or somehting like that. *Likes intense stuff*
But as far as short stories go...I loved it! It was cute, adorable, and the main character (whatever her name is, strikes me as a Haley~oh the glory of the baby name book) is sooooo me.
The bored critiquer~
~Alice~
I love this story, LOVE the hot art guy, absolutely fell in love with the emotions, but I think you cut it off way too fast. She's on the bus, staring at him, and about 30 minutes later she gets back home after making out with him. A bit too fast?
I want this as a series. :]
I'm all flushed and fluttery now! I love this! I don't really have any complaints on this. It's a really nice short story. Really similar to the last one I wrote, The Strong Arrow. Arty guys are awesome!!! <3 <3 <3 Welcome to the YWS! I hope you stick around and write more!
~Yoyo