Young Writers Society

KABLOOZLEMAN, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!

College Comp 1.

MY TEACHER, WHO DO YOU THINK?

2/23/12

The Toilet and I:

Kindred Spirits

On beginning this essay, the writer realizes that he is not allowed use personal pronouns under penalty of death, or at very least ten percent of his grade. This makes writing this paper extremely difficult, as its topic pertains to how this person is extremely similar to a “loo,” as well as every single supporting argument (a toilet is lonely, doesn’t do much, and has a “crappy” life) will necessitate the use of third person. As a result, this paper will either be a stunning success, or something that third-world dictators use to torture their prisoners into submission. The author is leaning towards the latter. So, in the words of an extremely popular beverage maker, “here we go.”

A toilet is a lonely being. Think about it. From the first seconds of life until the moment before a “misunderstood” teenager smashes it with a baseball bat (or destructive equivalent), a toilet has no friends. After all, who wants to be friends with a toilet? The only time a toilet gets to socialize is when someone needs to “expunge waste,” and whenever it tries to strike up a conversation the other party almost always turns out to be a complete asshole. The author’s life is not nearly so drastically drab, but some parallels can be drawn. For instance, when he (the author) was starting out kindergarten he had no friends. Normally this would not be a problem, but he started school in Sterling, Kansas. Everybody in Sterling knows everybody else, except the writer. He knew nobody. Nobody seemed interested in becoming friends with him until the first or second grade, and by then the author had regressed into a state of extreme social deprivation. So began a school career fraught with loneliness, evil teachers, and apple crisp. The author fears the real world will be the same…

A toilet doesn’t do much. After all, it is affixed to the floor of a bathroom. Toilets have one job; flush. That’s it. Sometimes toilets want to be helpful and do extra things like back up, but in general they have a one track mind. This is like the writer, but not so eerily extreme. When he is doing something (writing a paper, for instance), he only wants to do that one thing. Often times, other more entertaining activities (like Skyrim) are passed up because the author is so absorbed in his writing. Unfortunately, he also has a habit of trying to over-do things. As a result, whatever project he was working on often ends up looking like someone had Mexican food for lunch with lots of tamales.

A toilet regularly has people dumping crap on it. This is pretty self-explanatory. A person is working. This person feels a sudden urge. He goes into a bathroom stall, and one would hope the reader gets the picture. Once again, the writer’s life is not so readily revolting, but he does get a lot of people coming to him with problems. Many of the problems come from his female friends, most of whom have put him in the dreaded “friend zone.” Eventually the author gets tired of everybody dumping all of their problems on him and decides to shut himself in his room for a month. When he finally leaves his room to rejoin society, the process repeats itself. One could draw a parallel to a toilet backing up, again.

The author apologizes for complaining so much. He also realizes that a paper fraught with self-reference and dumb jokes is not what would be considered the “norm.” To protect the integrity of this paper, The writer has attached a photo of a ninja which will destroy any grade lower than a “B.” He may be persuaded to let a “C” slide if you give him a cookie.

Fin. I had a picture, but websites hate me. Just google "ninja penguin." Now leave.