Two teens sat perched on a thick tree branch. The boy's arm was around the girl's shoulder as they both leaned over a little purple notebook in the girl's sweating palms. She was nervous, for this was the first time she would ever reveal her poetry to her boyfriend of six months. In her soft, sweet voice she recited one of her favorites.
"I love you.
One thousand summers pass
And I love you still
A thousand winters
And my blood burns still
Thousand springs and autumns
Leaves fall, petals fall
And I remain fallen for you
I love you."
"That was beautiful," the boy whispered, gazing at his love with wide eyes. She blushed softly, his praise meaning so much more to her than if it had come from anyone else. The notebook fell from the tree as the two clasped hands and leaned in. Forehead to forehead, they whispered sweet nothings to each other over and over. As young as they were, they shared a unique and true love and it was beautiful.
A kiss was shared, slow and soft and sweet. A kiss of promises and true love. A kiss that neither knew would be one of their last.
The body was easy enough for him to steal. Benjamin Carbine had no trouble doing the deed. As the son of the village's mortician, anything involving death came easy. Accepting it, living with it, smelling it. Benjamin could face death any time of the day without breaking a sweat. Even when his mother had passed away, nine years ago, only a handful of tears had been shed. Carrying the body into the grave only gave Benjamin a heavy heart. Death was a simple fact of life.
The only exception was when it came to Emi, his love. The only person who had the same depth and could understand him. A brain tumor had stolen Emi away from him, but Benjamin would not stand for it. Omnia vincit amor; love conquers all. Even death.
So the night of the preservation, Benjamin removed Emi's body from the morgue. She's mine, he whispered to justify his actions. She will always be mine.
Emi leaned limply against the charcoal wall, her legs spread out on the bed. She was beautiful, even in death. Long black hair waved softly on either side of her heart-shaped face. Her eyes were closed, but Benjamin remembered them as her most beautiful feature. Deep, dark, and passionate. Emi's eyes had burned with a passion that he cherished. Pale skin so white it reflected the light from the red lamp on his table. Emi appeared ghostly and ephemeral.
Benjamin climbed on the bed, kneeling in between Emi's legs. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he leaned in and caressed her cold cheek. With gentle fingers, he slid her left eyelid open. There was no passion, only a dark reflection of the boy who lost his love. Dark hair curled behind his ears and shielded eyes as dark as the death that now faced him. Familiar features gazed in on themselves, the same straight nose and pouting lips Benjamin saw every time he stared into a looking glass. Unable to bear the passionless eye, he slid her soft and paper-thin eyelid down again. "Leaves fall, petals fall," Benjamin whispered a poem he had almost forgotten. "You fell, and I will always remain fallen for you."
As if Emi were a doll, Benjamin laid her out on his bed as if she were simply asleep. Clicking off the red lamp, Benjamin laid beside his dead girlfriend. "I love you, Emi." Gently, he wrapped arms around her and held he close. "Oh my beautiful Emi, I will always love you. Nothing can tear us apart. Even death."
Time moved slowly for Benjamin now. Days that had passed by like seconds now dragged on as if each were it's own separate eternity. His days were spent helping his father with the bodies and his own schoolwork. If his father ever noticed the missing body, he never said a word. Benjamin's nights were spent with Emi's body.
Benjamin lived in a small village with a dark shadow over it. The inhabitants were all either darkly humored or covered up their darkness with plastic smiles. Clouds almost always covered the sun and it was raining more often than not. This village seemed thousands of years old while at the same time completely current. This was an otherworldly place.
Darkness emanated from every street and streetlights never worked. Benjamin wasn't the only creature participating in dark deeds every night, but his deeds were the only ones fueled by true love. Oh, the others would claim their love, but proving it was another matter entirely. Benjamin's love could be proven by the body laying on his bed, covered in kisses and taken care of so blissfully. Emi had never been so pampered and treated so gently before, and she couldn't even be alive to experience it.
Each and every day, Benjamin proved that love could conquer all.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Overall, I enjoyed your story.
I liked how in the very beginning Emi was scared to share her poetry. That gave her a lt of character which is really important for her because she does very soon after.
I agree that there needs to be some definition when you transfer to a later time.
I also think thee should have been something on between. I am not wry familiar with brain tumors, but I dont think it is a quick death. At the time of the poetry reading did they know she was dying? Maybe talk about the initial shock and pain of her death, or holdin her in her lay moments.
I liked how you brought her poem back late in the story.
I love the Latin title.
I think that there needs to be more transition to the part where you talk about the town. It seemed very sudden and random to me.
Overall, a good piece.
It is romantic: in a dark sort of way. The passion of true love is definitely there, though.
So, the good or bad first? Okay, bad first...
When you switch between the two times/settings, you really should separate it somehow. Either put an extra line of space between the two occurrences, or put some symbols (asteriks or dashes) so that the reader knows they are changing scenes. Without that, it can be a bit confusing and the reader has to re-organize their thoughts in order to understand what's happening clearly.
"Even when his mother had passed away, nine years ago, only a handful of tears had been shed. Carrying the body into the grave only gave Benjamin a heavy heart. Death was a simple fact of life. "
In this section, I think you should clarify that Benjamin was carrying his mother's body into the grave. Something like "Carrying her body..." will clarify that his mother was a special occurrence in giving her a heavy heart. In general, he didn't feel anything when it came to the dead.
"Emi's eyes had burned with a passion that he cherished. Pale skin so white it reflected the light from the red lamp on his table. Emi appeared ghostly and ephemeral. "
Here, you skip from him talking about his love for her eyes, and then go onto say stuff about her skin. Stick to her eyes. Adding the part about her skin was distracting, because talking about their passion really is touching and allows the reader to get in touch with Benjamin's relationship with her. You kind of ruin the moment by bring the reader back to her current state so abruptly.
If you move or delete the part about Emi's skin, you'll get a very smooth transition into the next paragraph as well. Currently, its a bit jolting.
And finally, your 2nd to last sentence states:
"Emi had never been so pampered and treated so gently before, and she couldn't even be alive to experience it."
This sentence sounds really awkward. Read it aloud to yourself. I think you should reword the second part of the sentence. That's what's really throwing the whole things off. Something like, "And she wasn't even alive to experience it" would sound a lot smoother. Just a suggestion...
Okay. That was a lot of negative stuff, so for the positive:
The story idea really good. You have a undying-love theme running through out, and the darkness you add to it is a very nice touch. The relationship of true love the two teens share is sweet and effective. You don't show their passion in a sexual way, but in a sweet, caring way, which has a much more touching and realistic affect. We don't learn much about the characters' personalities much, which I think is actually fine because the focus is their love, not who they are.
And then there's the Latin title. I really loved it. Having taken a couple years of Latin, I liked the difference your story presented. That title really drew me in that way, and I am glad I read the story.
Sylvia.
Hi Lovelace!
This was a great story! Beautifully written. I also like the way you have structured the story so it looks like a poem and also sounds like one. That was nailed very well with your good detail.
I really like that poem she wrote for me. Very romantic.
I read below that Carbine stands for mortician's son. Excellent touch! It says you have given it much thought which is all good!!
I voiced Nightyowl's thoughts here XD
I really liked these lines. The image you have painted here is excellent!
I understood the meaning of the title here and it is apt! Latin. Dead language. Excellent again! I am a fan of puns and you have done well there.
I was glad you didn't like the boy too, which would have been a cliche.
Overall, love it!
10/10
-manisha
Glad you posted this, man.
So once again, I have to say that it was beautifully horrific. I loved how the interactions between Emi and Benjamin didn't seem to change even after she died. In fact, the way you detailed them was enough to make it even more romantic, in my eyes. (I'm a bit twisted, but I guess you are too.)
Also, didn't really look at the title, but now that I do, and realize it's in latin, it makes perfect sense for the story.
Nice work, look forward to reading more of your stuff.
Wow... ok so... wow.
I really liked this, even if it was... disturbing. I also liked how you formatted it like a poem all centered and nice and neat and all. I liked that. The whole time I read this I had two thoughts. One: Oh my god it's a modern day Frankenstein!
Two: Please don't tell me he's going to have sex with the dead girl...
I almost died when I read: "Emi leaned limply against the charcoal wall, her legs spread out on the bed." "Benjamin climbed on the bed, kneeling in between Emi's legs." I was like. Oh no please no! That would be... oh no no no no! I was about to close my eyes and refuse to read any more. The only thing that kept me reading was that it didn't have the little M for Mature Content or the 18+ Which I'm guessing it'd have to be if he went and had sex with Emi the dead girl.
Alright, so now that my heart is slowing down... I do wonder what this means: "Omnia vincit amor" Well no, I wonder what language it is. Latin I'm guessing? Maybe. But anyway, I wonder what the significance of it being in another language is. But that's not really important. So yea... great story. Scared the crap out of me. I think you're MC's name should be Franklin Stein... dead girl friend. (Heh... me trying to be funny) Ok! So Yea... I'm done. Great story!
Haha, thank you! It is Latin, and actually means love conquers all. It's only in latin because it's a dead language, get the pun? xD And Carbine, his last name, means mortician's son c: I'm glad you liked it!