It's rough, yes. And that's why I need your guys' help.
. Thanks for reading.
Chapter Three
The sun was about to rise, and I obviously couldn’t leave in broad daylight. There was nothing to do but head back to the dorm and try to catch up on the many hours of sleep I’d lost.
My dreams were unrelenting. I was running, always running. In the beginning it was through that abandoned factory where I’d seen that shadow for the very first time. Josiah was by my side, and the sight of him hurt me, though I was asleep. Then I was waking up in the woods alone, Josiah nowhere to be seen, and there were shrieks and groans as they came after me. More running, more determination to survive.
But, as always, they caught up to me. Claws scraped my skin, and I heard their voices in my head:
Where you going, Priestess?
You need to stay with us, tasty-smelling morsel.
We want you, little vampyre. Why do you keep running? There’s no escape…
And there was no escaping. Because every time I screamed or allowed my fear to escape the confines of my mind, it strengthened them and helped them to find my hiding places. Their name was simple: Beasts. Because that was what they were. They growled, they ran on all-fours, they had coarse hair all over their wiry, disproportionate bodies. They didn’t have the power of human speech; they’d lost it long ago in the beginning stages of the Change. But they were able to calculate, taunt, sense and tear where you were most vulnerable.
And Beasts were the least of my fears. Far behind me there had always been that lurking presence, oily and smiling and waiting. It hunted Beasts, demons, shape-sifters, sorcerers, witches, humans… me. It wanted me more then anything else, because I’d managed to escape it.
You won’t find me, I thought as I tossed and turned. You should be the one in fear. I cut you once, and I can do it again.
“Lindsey!”
Gasping, I wrenched my knives out of their hiding places and held it against a Beast’s throat. It laughed, pointed teeth and rancid breath in my face. “You think you can make me break?” I hissed. “Stop hunting me!”
“Let go of her, you psycho!”
I breathed heavily, my chest heaving. The Beast looked at me with a mocking grin, ruby eyes gleaming. I cried out, tightening my hold.
Suddenly there was a light in my eyes. A gentle voice, cool skin against my cheek. Then, quietly, “Let Mandy go, Lindsey.”
For some reason, I wanted to obey immediately. But I resisted, and instead looked up, voice cracking as I said, “I won’t let the Beasts take me again. I’d rather die then have them take me again.” I couldn’t see anything but the light, eye-blinding and almost painful.
“Get out of here,” someone else snapped. “This isn’t some kind of freak show. This is our fucking room, and there’s something called privacy, morons.”
“Yolanda, please speak to the others in a kinder manner,” yet another voice scolded. So many…Then the voice I wanted to hear spoke again, “Now, Lindsey, I’m going to need you to let go of Mandy. You have a knife against her neck, and I’m sure she’s not too comfortable like that.”
Obey… Let go… I shook my head, closing my eyes. “The Beasts—”
“Will not touch you here,” the voice said firmly. “As soon as you let go of Mandy, I’ll turn off the light, okay?”
I began to loosen my grip. “That’s it,” the voice encouraged.
“We’re going to be late for class, and I don’t want to get crap from Professor Wilson again,” the person I finally recognized as Yolanda complained.
“Is that really all you’re worried about right now?” someone else snapped. My head spun, and I placed Gabi’s annoying, high-pitched voice…
And as soon as I realized who she was, I realized who it was I was practically choking. Where I was and what was happening. With one swift motion, I threw Mandy away from me, jumping out of the blinding light’s rays and holding my knives out against whoever had been speaking to me in such a smooth, convincing tone…
“You’re one of the Gifted,” I hissed, glaring daggers at the boy who sat so calmly on the edge of my bed. “You have the Voice.”
He regarded me thoughtfully, switching off the bright flashlight he’d been holding in front of my face. “Well done. It usually takes a while for someone to figure it out.”
I jumped to the floor, swiftly surveying my surroundings. Gabi, Yolanda, and Mandy all stood in the doorway. Mandy was pale and faint, clutching to her roommate’s arm. Behind them was a horde of curious kids, and I growled when I saw them.
“I think it’s time to put down the knives, Miss Cole,” someone said behind me, and I whirled, pinning the Professor against the wall. Gasps sounded.
“It’s time for you to get your atmosphere-meddling Gift out of here, and the boy, too,” I snapped. She was trying to calm me down, trying to make everyone quiet. How many Gifts did this Lugosi have? “I don’t like being messed with.”
She was very pretty, and gazed back at me with a small smile. “And I’m fairly certain Mandy didn’t like having a knife to her throat. What choice did I have? This is my unit, and it’s my job to look after the students and their well-being.”
She spoke to me as if I was an equal, as if I weren’t any different then the rest of the people in the hallway. A frown playing about my lips, I backed off, sheathing my knives so swiftly only those who’d been watching my hands would have been able to catch it.
“I suppose you’re going to tell me to go to the office,” I said with a half-condescending, half-bitter smile in return.
The Professor shook her head, blond curls slapping lightly against her cheeks. “You may go to class, Miss Cole. Accidents happen, right?”
I didn’t trust her friendly demeanor. “Whatever,” I muttered. “Later, then.”
“Yes, see you fifth period,” she replied, even though she was talking to my back. On my way out, I spared a glance to the boy—huh; he was pretty good-looking for one of the Gifted—on my bed. “Do you mind?” I snapped. “I sleep there.”
He shoved the flashlight in his pocket, standing. “You’re welcome, Lindsey Cole,” he said.
I sneered, shoving past all the gawking idiots in the hallway. “Did I say thank you?”
If he answered, I didn’t hear it.
The first thing I noticed when I swept into the courtyard was that the moon was up again. Had I really slept the whole day away? A quick glance at the clock on the stone wall confirmed that classes were just about to begin—8:58 p.m. Ah, crap.
It occurred to me, as I dug the crumpled schedule out of my pocket and glanced at it, that I’d been wearing the same clothes for a week and hadn’t showered, either. I must look like a wreck. Hey, being homeless wasn’t easy.
Thinking quickly, I went the nurse’s office, easily found because of the smell of disinfectant and the sounds of the busy office that would be beside it.
“Good evening,” the nurse greeted me as I strode through the door. “You must be Lindsey Cole; I haven’t seen you around here before.”
Used to being known by now, I nodded shortly. “I need some new clothes, if you have any in the Lost and Found or something.”
The female vampyre eyed me. “Well, there’s a shower in the bathroom behind me, and I’ll supply a uniform for you, Miss Cole.”
“I don’t want a uniform,” I replied evenly. “I just want some clothes.”
She smiled, and I clenched my fists when I saw the resolution in her wrinkled face. “A uniform is mandatory here at Lugosi, as you must know, Miss Cole, and you aren’t above the rest of the students here.”
Forcing even breaths, I forced a sweet, overdone grin. “Fine. Are there towels in the bathroom?” The Lost and Found wasn’t even in here, I noted.
Looking pleased, the nurse nodded, and I swept past her into the tiny room, and shut the door firmly behind me.
“The uniform will be on the toilet when you’re through,” she called. I turned on the hot water, not bothering to answer. I listened carefully as she got up from her chair, and as soon as I knew she was gone from the room I swiftly left the bathroom, crossed the hallway, and entered the office.
“Where’s the Lost and Found?” I asked the startled receptionist.
“Oh, in the corner there,” she said, and pointed. I liked her right away—she didn’t ask questions.
Moving hurriedly, I approached the small cardboard box and dug through it, hoping to find something my size. I wasn’t tall, but I wasn’t as short as Gabi, either. At least I was thin, and that left a lot of options.
There was a baggy gray sweatshirt, a girly white blouse, and a bright pink t-shirt that said Dreams do come true, because I’m here. For bottoms there were some green army shorts, a mini skirt, and a pair of black caprice. I went for the sweatshirt and the caprice, because it was really too cold to wear shorts… and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a skirt. I left the office just as quickly as I had entered it.
The nurse hadn’t gotten back yet, so I ducked into the bathroom again and tore off my old, ratty clothes. I handled my brown jacket carefully. If she touches it, she’s dead, I thought, yanking off the combat boots.
I brought the Lost and Found castaways into the shower with me, because I knew the irritating nurse would take them if she saw them. I started washing my hair right away, because Irta would probably be all over me if I didn’t make it to class on time. Little chance of that happening, anyway, but I could try.
Over the sound of the pouring water, the door opened and after another moment closed again.
Once I was squeaky clean and had stepped out of the shower, I picked up the uniform and rolled my eyes. Yeah, right. Me wear those loafers, that perky skirt, the button-up long-sleeved shirt?
She’d taken away my old jeans and t-shirt, but, surprisingly a smart move, she’d left the boots and jacket. Probably figured I wouldn’t walk into class just wearing those two items. I dried myself off, and put on the clean underwear and bra that had been left with the uniform. Next came the sweatshirt and caprice, unexpectedly comfortable, though they hung on my bony frame. I yanked the uniform socks on, and they were thankfully hidden when I put the boots on. Lastly, I put on my jacket.
I didn’t even look in the mirror as I dragged a brush through my dark snarls. I just didn’t care. She’s left a toothbrush and toothpaste out, and I used those, too. I could hear the clock in the office ticking, and every second I felt Irta’s cold glare and heard her frozen voice.
The nurse glanced up as I barged out and headed for the door, then did a double take. “Young lady,” she barked, “what—”
“Thanks,” I said over my shoulder as I left.
“Wait just a minute! You come right back here and put on this uniform, Miss Cole!”
I ignored her and headed for my first hour, Chemistry I. But there were no smells to focus on, and I had no idea what the Professor would be saying, so I had to do what I hated most: ask.
“Hey, where’s Professor Wilson’s Chemistry class?” I asked a small kid hurrying by.
He had his head down, and barely looked at me. “All y-your c-c-classes will be on the l-l-l-lower levels. W-Wilson is over i-in the left corner, across the hall f-f-f-f-from the Drama room.”
Before I could even think about thanking him, he was hurrying away, hiding his face in the folds of his huge sweatshirt. Looked like a fricken turtle.
“Lindsey Cole, glad you could join us,” Professor Wilson said when I walked through the door. He peered down his big nose at my outfit, but my attention was captured by the light bouncing off of his bald head. He could be a satellite or something.
“You can take a seat over there by Rachelle. There are books on the counter in the back of the room… and Rachelle can lend you some paper. I expect you to come prepared tomorrow, Miss Cole,” he added.
Hiking up the caprice—guess they were little big around the waist—I got the book and slid into the chair beside the African-American girl Wilson had pointed at.
“We’re on chapter three,” she said under her breath, tearing a page out of her notebook and setting a pencil down on top of it. Resisting the urge to sigh, I took both. I hadn’t actually done school in… months.
The entire hour I kept my eye on the silver-rimmed clock on the wall. 9:18 p.m., 9:34, 9:52… Supposedly time went slower when you kept track of it, but I really had nothing else to do. Pay attention? Right.
“So where did they find you?” Rachelle startled me by asking.
I frowned, and then mentally shrugged. “Somewhere in the woods of east Wisconsin. The Tracker found me in Washington, though.”
She was keeping her concentration on her notes, but her brows rose. “Wow. Long chase. You must be as good as they say.”
I didn’t bother hiding the fact that I was talking to her; Wilson was as clueless as a beetle on the sidewalk. “Who’s ‘they’?”
Rachelle shrugged her delicate shoulders. “The other kids. The Professors. They talk about you a lot.”
Ask her about Curtis, a tiny inner voice advised. She’d know. She seems like the kind of person that pays attention to her surroundings.
But I didn’t like where this was going. If I was too friendly, or kept talking, she might think it was an open invitation to be friends. And I didn’t have friends. Not ever. Ryan didn’t count, because I didn’t really know him and had no plans on knowing him. I’d learned, among all the other survival skills I’d been forced to pick up, that friends would either betray you, slow you down, or bring you pain later.
It was always better to be alone.
“What’d you do to piss off Irta so bad?” Rachelle asked next.
This time, I didn’t answer. The girl didn’t seem put off; she just added a line to her notes, and didn’t talk to me again. The bell rang, saving me from having to bear another second in that classroom.
Only four more to go.
The other vampyres and the creatures I didn’t know what were exactly—witches always had a black dot on their forehead, shape-shifters were faint, less-solid than everyone else, and demons had red eyes—gave me a lot of space as I walked through the halls. I studied them as I passed. You could never tell what vampyres, Trackers, or the Gifted ones were, because there were no real giveaways, like the other species.
I hated the Gifted ones, even more then I hated the Trackers that hunted me and forced me into Lugosis. They looked too much like humans, but weren’t. They weren’t vampyres, didn’t have the same bloody, violent desires that we had. They were just special. A species undefined. They had it so easy—powers without any drawbacks, always in control, so perfect, so… simple.
“Watch it!” A girl shoved past me, throwing me a glare as she sailed ahead. “Asher!” she called. “Asher, I need to talk to you!”
Asher… the name Curtis mentioned last night… the boy Gabi said was in the courtyard with… with…“What do you want, Shelia?”
That’s it. I craned my neck for a glimpse of Asher, curious to see what the kid who Curtis seemed to think could convince me to do… something… looked like. There were too many heads in the way, and I lost sight of Shelia.
Oh, well. Allowing myself one sigh, I plodded on, heading for World Literature.
The classroom was full by the time I found it, but there was a seat near the back of the room that had my name on it. Hopefully I wouldn’t draw any attention, and could begin doing some critical thinking on my escape.
My cell phone vibrated, and, smiling, I swiftly flipped it open under the cover of the desk top. Ryan, of course.
So what’s so bad about the new school?
The kids here are all the same. And this place feels like a prison.
Isn’t every school like that, Linds?
“You’re in my seat.”
Still smiling, I glanced up. Instantly my brow furrowed and my smile died, and I forgot all about Ryan. “Oh. It’s you.”
The Gifted kid from that morning stood beside the desk I was sitting in. Solemn-faced, he looked down at me. “Yeah, it’s me. And you’re in my seat.”
I yawned, leaning back and stretching. “Oh, is it assigned seating in here? Because that’s never really been a Lugosi custom.”
He smiled slightly, and his dark eyes lit up a little. I told myself the fluttering in my stomach was just hunger—I hadn’t fed in a couple days.
“You’re probably an expert on Lugosis by now,” he said. The Professor—a perky little female—pranced in and wrote something on the board.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, irritated for a reason I didn’t really know. “Not that I’m not enjoying this conversation immensely, but why don’t you go find another seat? Class is about to start, and I really want to focus on my studies.” My smile was sugary.
The kid didn’t move. “I hate change,” he said. “Can I have my seat?”
I raised my eyebrows. “From what you must know of me, you have to be aware that nothing is going to get me to move, right?”
“I figured.”
Why was he just standing there? Why didn’t he just sit down? The other kids were starting to turn around and look at us, and I didn’t like that. “Look,” I hissed. “Why don’t you just try to do your little mind-control thing again? You didn’t seem to mind doing it this morning.”
His smile was gone. “I had—”
“If you’re not in the mood, then why don’t you just get out of my way and sit the hell down? I don’t like to be bugged.”
The Gifted idiot just studied me, as if I was so interesting. “There seems to be a lot of things you don’t like,” he observed.
I scowled. “What would you know?”
He started ticking it off on his fingers. “You don’t like to be bugged, you don’t like to talk, you don’t like Gifted ones, you don’t like Professors, you don’t like Lugosis, heck, I don’t think you like anything actually living.”
I gripped the edge of the desk with both hands. I felt like the Incredible Hulk or something, I was so pissed. “Get away from me, kid. Get away from me now.”
He smiled. “What are you going to do, Lindsey? You may be fast, and you might have some Elements… but I’ve never heard anything about a good right-hook.”
“Stand there for about two more seconds and you’ll see how good of a right-hook I have.”
The Professor finally noticed the stupid kid. She smiled at me in welcome, and then directed her attention to the boy standing next to my desk.
“Asher? Would you sit down, please?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Sorry, it's been a while. ^^' I do intend to review all of this story, by the way. Especially after this chapter.
Nitpicks:
Sorry to repeat wheat the previous reviewers have said, but I would just start with the dream.
Picking up on Squall's confusion over this. Perhaps people would understand what you mean far more quickly if you replaced "asleep" with "dreaming".
Okay, yeah. I understand where Squall's coming from now. I thought she was dreaming? Is it one of those confusing dream inside a dream situations? If she was asleep in that dream how would she have seen him? Maybe she sensed him, or something along those lines. Yeah... that's confused me now...
Could you describe their voices? I want to know what they sound like, 'cause I'm imagining sly, scratchy voices. Is that right?
These are great. ^^ Just wanted to say.
Oh, the one in bold made me laugh. Sorry...
The "escaping" just sounds slightly strange to me.
: And there was no escape.
: And there was no escaping them.
Hey, this might just be my nit-pickiness reaching extremes, but...
The number of conjunctions which started half of these sentences annoyed me a little. Perhaps you could work some of them out?
An overdose of "and"s here.
Could possibly sound better as
:someone said behind me. I whirled, pinning the Professor against the wall.
Sorry, the "ands" were annoying me. ^^'
Ha ha. (:
The "she's" suddenly takes it into present tense, when you've been writing in past tense. She'd?
Okay. That was hilarious.
I also like this simile.
Sounds ominous to me. I love it.
Four more seconds?
A little bit of information there which I don't really care much about at the moment. I like the way you've introduced the Gifted One. Subtly, so it's not in our faces. Maybe if you could continue to do that? This just felt slightly info-dumpish to me...
Wouldn't she recognise Asher's voice from that episode she had earlier on in the chapter?
Ha ha.
Wonderful, wonderful end! I saw it and was ohmygawd-he'sAsher! Definitely caught me, that did. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Brilliant! Brilliant! Wow, I was right: the chapters do improve with each instalment! Although, I don't see how the next one could be better.
See you later! (Reviewing the next chapter...)
~Emma
Hello again KJ. As I promised.
Not a good hook. It doesn't connect with the paragraph below all that well. There's like this gap between when the narrator's going to bed and when she's actually dreaming. Adding a transition between these two paragraphs will not only connect them together, but potentially, it also allows for characterisation and a better understanding of the Lugosi. For example, did she tip toed to get back to her room or did she crept? Being on the run like that, I'm under the impression that she has to resort to stealth to avoid getting caught yes? (I'm surprised there doesn't seem to be any signs of security measures during the night to prevent vampyres from escaping).
What beginning are we talking about here? When she started having these dreams or the actual start of this dream only?
Ok this bit I don't get. If the narrator is asleep, then how was she able to see Josiah?
But why is the narrator determined to survive? I think this bit would work better if you had established the actual threat that could arise from these beasts first hand.
Interesting, but it doesn't really hold much meaning. This is because it doesn't really fit that well with the narrator. You see, I tend to associate words like "Priestess" with a girl/woman that has a sense of morals and values and a touch of gentleness. But from what I've seen of the narrator, she doesn't seem to show any regard for what she did nor does she take the time to reflect on her actions. I just find it a bit unrealistic that given what she's been through, she doesn't seem to display any of that.
Also, why would the beasts want her? You might want to think a bit more about it. To me, it seems as though the beasts want her only because of physical attraction (doesn't awfully say a lot) since it isn't fully clear as to what the beasts are (I had the feeling that they were embodiments of the narrator's sins- possible symbolism here
This bit right here would be better if it was discussed earlier in the novel. Having the narrator mention this bit of info during a dream sequence detracts from the overall visual impression of the dream as well as how it flows. You see with dreams, a person has no control over it, it just happens. You could had shown us a chase sequence of the wolf here to build fear and terror of these creatures.
While I'm at it, what did you mean by "you were most vulnerable"? I have a feeling that you are referring to the narrator's conscience, but it isn't exactly clear.
Seriously, the security in the school is rather poor. They were unable to detect the knife that's on her?
Overall impressions:
On the whole, it's OK. It isn't as insightful or indepth as I would have liked, but that's not such a big problem at this stage. The reason why I believe that you might have thought that this was rough is because the writing seems fragmented. You introduce some new concepts and ideas, but it's like as though it was randomly dumped there instead of being integrated it with the piece. I think that it would work better if you have mentioned these new concepts/ideas earlier on in the novel so that it doesn't seem so random.
Nothing more I can say about this piece except maybe to tighten the strictness and security of the Lugosi. Right now, it still seems as though the vampyres could easily escape the confines of Lugosi unless you show more of these measures. Also, do not focus so much on mundane details like taking a shower, what's happening in class etc but more on the subtle details (eg: character relationships and thoughts). It gets real tedious just reading about someone's life in some school. In Harry Potter for example, JK Rowling actually makes a strong effort to balance out these mundane details with action, conflict and intrigue.
I'm going to end the critique here as I need to see more of what happens next to help provide you with more insight.
Good luck.
Andy. (woo hoo, you got my 500th review
I'm really beginning to enjoy this. I think you're starting to nail her voice, now.
I think that's unnecessary; cut it. Start with the dream.
Awkward phrasing. I suggest: Their name: Beasts.
Cut 'then' - don't start me on the use of that word please, trust in my good judgment, k? It needs to go.
Awkward sentence...not entirely sure what the last part is meant to be so I suggest striking it and revising it to:
The vampyres and other creatures - witches always had a black dot on their forehead, shape-shifters were faint, less-solid than everyone else, and demons had red eyes—gave me a lot of space as I walked through the halls.
more than.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she have gifts of her own? Ah, belay that, I see they're called Elements...
Ick. We already know the struck out information and its rather awkwardly placed.
and then? What a horrid combination. Destroy 'then.'
**
Overall, a great chapter, much better than the previous two. As I said before, i think you're beginning to get the hang of the character and your observations are now more hit than miss and that's great. Hope this helped.
Cheers