This is something I started when I felt that I needed a break from Needles and Roses. I feel that it has some potential - I've got some good twists in mind. It's pretty rough, I know. I wrote this without stopping to look back. So tell me what you think.
Chapter One
Our prince was the most beautiful man in the world. Even those who had not seen the world—and that was most—had to concede that there was no possible way that any other person could equal to Philip’s beauty. Whenever the prince entered a room, there was always a great collective sigh of appreciation. He was denied nothing, and given everything he ask for, for who could say no to such a countenance? His hair was a brilliant yellow, and his eyes a piercing blue of the sky. His nose was long and noble, and his cheekbones high. Men and woman alike wanted him.
He grew up in a beam of sunlight; people smiled and laughed around him, his world was full of color and riches, and he never worked a day in his life. The king and queen could find no wrong with their son… even if he beat a servant for dropping a cup, or rode a magnificent horse so hard that it was ruined for the rest of its life.
He was perfect in everyone’s eyes. Mine, included. Everyone’s but my own mother’s.
“He is on a path of destruction,” she would say in her wise and quiet way. I would roll my eyes but say nothing in return.
I had dreams of catching the prince’s attention, as did every other girl in the kingdom. I was not without my merits; I’d inherited my mother’s golden hair and my father’s intriguing gray eyes. My teeth were straight, and my carriage graceful. But if I were to stand in a crowd among the other girls, I would not stand out.
Philip was notorious for his hunger of women. There were rumors that he spent every night with a different one. I would be a fool not to believe they had some truth to them, but they did not hinder my eagerness to be noted by my prince. I would call out as loudly as I could when he and the kind and queen rode by in a procession. I’d linger around the royal stables, hoping to gain a chance encounter.
My mother knew nothing of my lovesick antics. She was far to busy acting as a healer; she was continually delivering children, applying a poultice to a cut or burn, giving a family charms against a ghost or uneasy air. The only time she spent with me was spent passing on what she knew and teaching me my reading and writing. Ours was not a close relationship. I was merely something that had come out of her first marriage. She did not love my father—it was an arranged marriage. I do not remember him well, only his features and his broad grin.
Her second marriage was to a blacksmith: Claude Beauchamp. He was a well enough stepfather and husband to Mother. He did not fail to provide for us, and we lived comfortably. His only fault was one that countless men have acquired, and that was drink. My mother hated it. She called it the “Devil’s Poison”.
Neither of them cared much what I did during the day, as long as I was home by nightfall. Learning was a luxury only the wealthy children could afford, so school was a place I never attended. When I was small spent my time wandering around with my friend Dominique. When I finally got around to growing breasts and noticing men, I began spending less time with Dominique and more of my time pining for the prince.
Dominique was a male, of course, but I looked upon him as a mere boy; a past playmate. I forgot about him as I grew, and whenever I saw him I began to avoid going in his direction.
I never did have many female friends. The only one that really counted was Esther. I remained close with her throughout the years, but that was only because she would join me in my quest for the prince. She wanted him almost as much as I did. It might have driven us apart, but Esther was not a competitive girl. She was quite my opposite. She was meek, mousy, and soft-spoken. Much of the time I secretly despised her for her weakness.
I never had any success in catching Philip’s attention. The one time we crossed paths, he brushed by me and curtly ordered the stable boy to saddle a horse. It so discouraged me that I considered giving up.
What kept me going was the afternoon Mother remarked to me about what a handsome man Dominique was becoming. There was obvious hinting in her words, and I panicked. I once again went to the stables, reinserting my dream of the prince seeing, speaking, and falling in love with me and taking me up to the castle where I would become his wife. I would want for nothing and not have to worry about Mother pushing me towards Dominique.
I always had much higher prospects as a girl.
Finally, one day, my prince took notice of me. It was on a hot Tuesday, at the market, and I wasn’t even aware of his scrutiny.
Mother grew herbs and flowers in the tiny yard behind our house. We sold them in a stall once every month for a small profit. It was on one of these days when he passed by us. I’d just dropped a basket of rosemary and was bending over to pick it up. When I straightened he was there, staring at me with those clear blue eyes of his. I sucked in a whoosh of air at his perfection.
I immediately blushed when I realized that he heard the intake of breath. This amused him. I could tell by his impish grin and the twinkling in his eye. My mother, organizing baskets behind me, seemed to sense a change in the air, and she looked up sharply. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of the prince.
I was the first to speak, and I was proud that my voice did not shake. “May I help you with something, Sire?” I felt Mother’s gaze boring into my back, threatening and stern. She’d always warned me to keep my distance from him, and not to give men any indication that I am an easy woman to sway.
Philip folded his hands behind his back and amiably walked towards our stand. He bent over to study the selection.
“What kind of plant is this, mademoiselle?” he asked me in all seriousness. I fought a smile.
“That is basil, your highness,” I answered. “It aids digestion, and can be used for many things while cooking.”
“Ah,” he said, his tone light with interest. “I believe this could come of great use in the castle. How much of this do you have?”
I did not know. I glanced at my mother, and she came forward.
“We have many of this herb, your highness,” she said in a tight voice. “How much do you think you will be requiring?”
He smiled at her charmingly. “As many as you have, madam. I also believe that we may have a position available for your daughter at my home, if you are interested?”
Her face a thundercloud, my mother opened her mouth to respond, but the smooth prince went on. “Don’t answer now. Have this pretty mademoiselle bring my basil to me tomorrow, and she can give me your answer then. A bien tot.” With that, he turned on his heel and walked away, not giving me a backward glance.
My heart was pounding and my mouth suddenly felt dry. I went on with my work, trying to ignore the fury rolling off of my mother.
She grabbed my shoulder roughly, and forced me to face her. “He is no good, Colette. Do not hope that I will allow this to happen. I would not be doing my duty as your mother if I did.” She let go of me, lips pursed in strong disapproval. Her words rolled off of me like rain on a leaf. I simply nodded and bent my head, pretending to be absorbed by the herbs before me.
I had every intention of going to the castle and accepting the prince’s offer of taking a position there. I told myself that Mother would be able to do nothing about it after I had; it would be insulting the prince’s generosity and making herself appear ungrateful and foolish. She would be angry at first, I knew, but once I began to make money she would see the error of her ways.
The next day my mother sent me off with two very full baskets of basil. But before I escaped through the door she seized my arm. I looked at her impatiently.
“Think before you act rashly,” she advised me in a low voice. “Do not do something that seems right at the time. I know what is best, and if you trust me, you will find that you are glad you obeyed me.”
I swallowed an exasperated sigh. “Yes, mother, I will,” I said quickly. “I’m just going to deliver this, and then come right back home.” I did not lie; I had every intention of going home—right after I accepted Philip’s offer.
I pulled free of her hold, and hurried away. She let me go, but I felt her watching me until I disappeared around the corner farther up the road.
Once I was out of her sight I breathed easier. My mother frightened me with her intensity at times—when she looked at me, I sometimes felt as if she knew everything that ran through my head.
The castle where the Philip and the king and queen reside lay at the west side of the city. It was a long walk. My arms grew tired from carrying my burden. I passed my favorite bread shop, Chalet Marguerite, but I resisted its tempting smells wafting to my nose. I was intent upon my goal: to see the prince.
“Colette!”
I picked up my pace. My name was called a second time, but again I ignored it. I knew whose voice it was. But I was not fast enough.
“Colette!” Dominique ran up to me, his tousled curls wild in his eyes. “Can’t you hear me calling you? Why don’t you stop?” He smiled at me in boyish delight. I grimaced.
“What is it? Do you need something? Mother is at home today—”
He frowns at me unhappily, his green eyes darkening. “It’s you I want to see. You know that. Why have you been avoiding me?”
“I’ve been very busy, as you know, Dominique. In fact, I’m on an errand at this moment. I need to hurry.” I sidestepped him and continued on my way, hoping it would end at that.
He followed me, panting at my heels like a puppy. “May I assist you?” he asked me earnestly. I gritted my teeth.
“No. This is something that I want to do alone,” I said bluntly. My coldness did not deter him.
“Well, perhaps I can carry one of those baskets for you. Here, give me one!” He snatched the handle from me before I could protest.
“Give me that!” I snapped, trying to take it back.
He easily kept it from me by holding it above his head, and I stopped completely, reaching my arms up to attempt to get it. He laughed, which only infuriated me further.
“Pig!” I growled. “If you don’t give it back to me I’ll… I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” He raised his eyebrows, looking truly captivated with my answer. I resisted the urge to slap him.
“I’ll tell the prince you were bothering me, and he’ll put you in the dungeon!” I declared.
Dominique frowned. “The prince? Have you spoken to him?”
I clamped my mouth shut, already regretting the hasty words. “I… I’m to deliver these herbs to the castle, is all. I supposed he would be there, it being his home and everything. Now give it back, please.”
I reached for it but he still withheld it from me.
“So you must be the new one the others are talking about,” he said thoughtfully.
“What do you mean?” I asked testily.
He looked at me. “The others I work with in the kitchen at the castle. The prince’s manservant said that Philip found a new one today.”
My mood lightened. “Really? Was my name mentioned?” I inquired eagerly.
Dominique’s frown deepened. “No. But I hope it is not you he means, Colette. Being noticed by His Highness is one of the worst things that can happen to a girl.”
“A girl?” I sniffed. “I’ll have you know I’ve been a woman for over six months now.”
I was satisfied to see Dominique blush. “You shouldn’t speak of such things,” he muttered.
I shrugged airily. “I will continue if you don’t give me the basket.”
He hesitated.
I opened my mouth. “Women—”
“Here!” he shoved it at me. I took it smugly.
“Good day, Dominique,” I said, and turned my back.
I did not look to see whether he watched me walk away—I could feel his gaze.
* * * * *
“Why are you here?” The man guarding the gate asked me.
I lifted one of the baskets. “Delivering herbs, monsieur.”
He peered at me from beneath his metal helmet. His eyes registered recognition of some kind. “Go on,” he waved me through. “Enter by the side door. Berthe will take care of you.”
Hiding my excitement, I left the gates behind and walked into an extremely busy courtyard. I gazed up in awe at the towering castle before me. I’d never been to the palace in all my sixteen years. It was the grandest place I’d ever seen. I couldn’t imagine cleaning it—much less living in it.
No one took notice of me in the courtyard as I passed with my baskets of herbs. An average-looking girl dressed in a worn brown dress and carrying plants was nothing to gawk at. The servants rushing by did not take care not to knock me over, and the stable boys continued their business. But I soon would be someone worth taking notice of if I had my way. My clothes would be magnificent, and I would be able to stroll by anyone on the prince’s arm. The king and queen would be my new parents. I would be royalty.
I lost myself in my fancies as I made my way to the side door. It was not hard to find. Not sure whether to knock or not, I timidly tapped on the door. There was no response.
I knocked again, harder this time. Nothing. Deciding, I opened the door.
It was chaos. More servants were darting about to and fro, some carrying dishes, some linen, some cleaning supplies, and some nothing at all in their arms. There were great noises coming from the oven, shouting from the cooks, and plates and cups were being thrown into a large washing barrel.
I heard someone yelling, and my head instinctively swiveled in the direction it came from. A rotund woman was strongly lecturing a servant girl. Tears ran down the girl’s pale cheeks, and the other woman slapped her.
I stared, despite my having seen much worse in the streets. Men fought all the time, whether it was over drink, cards, or a prostitute. But somehow this tiny girl being belittled by the huge woman seemed worse.
The woman finished her tirade and sent the girl away with another slap. The young servant rushed away, sniffling.
“Berthe!” A cook called. “The hors d'oeuvers are slow today. Have Pierre give them the soup first.”
The woman—Berthe, I now knew—scowled at him. “Weren’t you supposed to make them earlier today?” she demanded.
The man hesitated. “Well, yes I was. But my wife went into labor, and I didn’t have time...”
“I don’t care about your wife!” Berthe snapped. “She is not royalty! She does not require a proper meal right now!”
The cook pursed his lips. “I will do as you say next time.”
“There will not be a next time, monsieur. I am speaking to the king today.”
The man’s eyes widened. “Berthe—”
“Pierre!” Berthe cut him off. “Bring them the soup! The appetizers are not yet ready!”
A small boy darted around her to get to the platter of soup on a table, moving so he avoided her vicious kick.
The cook shut his mouth, seeming to decide it was of no use to argue, and went back to his work. His shoulders were slumped and his head bent dejectedly. Curiously, I felt a stirring of pity for him, and fear for myself, seeing as to how I needed to speak to this woman in order to get to the prince.
Berthe brushed by the cook and began in the direction of an open doorway on the opposite side of the large kitchen. But she paused, tilted her head, and suddenly swung around to face me, still stupidly standing in the outside doorway.
“You, girl!” she snarled. “What are you about?”
I swallowed. “I am here to deliver herbs, mademoiselle. The prince—”
“Yes, yes, I remember. The prince asked me to bring you to him if he was available. Unfortunately, he is eating supper with the family. Leave those on the table next to the door and be on your way. Here,” she pressed coin into my hand. “Now go.”
She turned away once more, and I stared, unmoving. “But—”
“I said, be on your way!” she growled, and swept out of the room. I bit my lip, and set the baskets on the table as I was ordered.
Words could not describe my immense disappointment. I’d anticipated the moment the prince and I would meet for years.
But I merely swallowed back my tears and walked out again. I needed something to do with my hands, so I twisted them in my skirt. I headed for home, having nowhere else to go. For a while I walked in a sort of vague state.
But eventually my emotions returned, and I hated that woman with a cold fury. I vowed I would get revenge on her. No one would treat me that way.
Little did I know I would soon have my chance, and I would meet the prince in a way that I never thought possible.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Sorry, I'm new here: are you allowed to quote a critiquer?
Is it wrong? Surely it's just a variation? Hmm - HMM?
My apologies for sticking my nose in, hehe.
I like this story a lot so far and there isn't really anything wrong with it, so I'm going to be really mean and pick up on every tiny little thing I can find - just to make myself feel better
I would expect it to be the ones who had seen the world who would be more likely to find fault with the idea of the prince as the most beautiful man alive. After all, they would have more people to compare him to. Try something along the lines of Even those who had seen the world—though there were few of them—had to concede that there was no possible way that any other person could equal Philip’s beauty.
If he is denied nothing then he is obviously given everything he asks for – so there’s no need for both. Try He was denied nothing, for who could say no to such a countenance? because a double for wouldn’t flow very well.
It should be His hair was a brilliant yellow, and his eyes the piercing blue of the sky.
Obviously – being American – you have spelt colour wrong. But I’ll overlook that. I think that rearranging this sentence would make it more potent. For example He grew up in a beam of sunlight; he never worked a day in his life, people smiled and laughed around him and his world was full of color and riches. This is just because not working a day doesn’t sound as brilliant as having a rich and colourful world with loving, laughing people in it.
I love the sudden contrast here.
It’s nice to have short sentences, but I think you’ve overdone it a little here. Try combining the first two with either a hyphen or a semi-colon (I’m not sure which would work better).
Philip was notorious for his hunger for women.
American spelling of rumours.
I would be a fool not to believe that they had some truth to them
King not kind.
Gain doesn’t really fit. Try achieve or something similar.
She was far too busy acting as a healer
The repetition of spent sounds a little odd - maybe The only time that she spent with me was when she was passing on what she knew
Replace arranged marriage with arranged match or something similar.
You should make a distinction between his capabilities as a stepfather and as a husband. Try something like He did well enough as a stepfather and was a good husband to Mother.
Double negative = positive and there’s no need for the comma, so you could just say He provided well for us and we lived comfortably.
Growing breasts and noticing men don’t necessarily go hand in hand – one often comes long before the other. I also think that the comma needs moving along – the sentence needs a comma, but not where it is currently. E.g. When I finally got around to noticing men I began spending less time with Dominique, and more of my time pining for the prince.
I forgot about him as I grew, and I began to avoid going in his direction whenever I saw him.[/i]
The one time that we crossed paths, he brushed by me and curtly ordered the stable boy to saddle a horse.
This sounds a little awkward. Try something like The only thing that stopped me was Mother’s remarks about how handsome Dominique was becoming.
Reinserting is not the right word. I’m not sure what you should replace it with – maybe once again taking up or reaffirming?
Prospects are how well other people expect you to do. I think that you are talking about standards – the minimum requirements that Colette has set herself. So you could try I had set myself much higher standards as a girl.
It was on one of these days that he passed by us. Also, he didn’t actually pass by if he stopped and spoke to her – so maybe it should be that he encountered us or that he came across us?
Technically, you would only call a king as Sire. A prince would be addressed as either Your Highness or Your Royal Highness.
I think it should be amicably – but this could be one of those English vs American things.
“I believe that this could be of great use in the castle. How much do you have?”
“We have many of this herb, your highness,” she said in a tight voice. “How much do you think you will be requiring?”
“How much do you think that you will require?”
If possible, it should be A bien tôt
I went on with my work, trying to ignore the fury that was rolling off my mother.
Her words rolled off me like rain on a leaf.
The end of the sentence is superfluous. I had every intention of going to the castle and accepting the prince’s offer.
I think it would sound better if you used unable to do anything, instead of able to do nothing.
It is not clear whether Colette is going to send money back to her mother or not – you might want to elaborate or adjust a little.
She doesn’t actually manage to escape – so it should be But before I could escape through the door she seized my arm.
I know what is best, and if you trust me, you will find yourself glad to have obeyed me.
I did not lie; I had every intention of going home—right after I had accepted Philip’s offer.
She let me go, but I could feel her watching me until I disappeared around the corner.
The Philip? I think that you mean either the prince or just Philip.
More American spelling and I think that it should be the tempting smells.
“Couldn’t you hear me calling you? Why didn’t you stop?”
It should be either at the moment or at this very moment.
hoping that
reaching my arms up in an attempt to get it.
As has been pointed out, he can’t be captivated with an answer that hasn’t been given – so rephrasing is required.
Either that’s all or that is all. I don’t really like the and everything. I know that it might be used when someone’s speaking, but it still reads a little awkwardly.
I reached for it but he still withheld it.
I hope that it is not you he means
It should probably be I will continue to do so
Maybe it should be I did not need to look back
This sentence needs rephrasing – the double negative in the first part makes it awkward to read.
It might work better as fantasies.
This may be another English vs American thing, but I would spell swivelled with a double ‘l’.
Labour not labor – yet more American spellings!
Just about a cook? Really?
seeming to decide that it was of no use to argue
It should either be because I needed to speak to this woman or just as I needed to speak to this woman.
I agree that this sentence is a little odd - she has already met him.
It’s either vague or not – it can’t be sort of vague. For a while I walked on in a vague state.
I vowed that I would get revenge on her. No one would treat me in that way.
I hesitate to mention this but she’s already met him! Try something like Little did I know that I would soon have my chance, and that my next encounter with the prince would occur in a way that I had never thought possible.
There's also one other thing - all your other characters have French names, so shouldn't Philip be Philippe?
This is really really great - I love your narrative style. Please PM me when you post ch 2 - I'd love to read it. (And ch 3, ch 4, ch 5 ... etc.)
Kee on writing,
Bkwrm
Wow, wow, wow! This was great! I did not tire of it one bit and was disappointed when I reached the end. Honestly, I think this has great potential. I would like to know more about Collette, though.
I only found one thing to look at, and I don't really think it's anything that important, but here ya go:
I supposed he would be there, it being his home and everything.
Now I feel a tad silly, because compared with the flawless rest of the story, it is really quite insignificant.
Lauren
KJ,
So I finally got to critting something of yours, aye? I’ll probably take a look at “Needles and Roses” later on, but I opened this first, and as it caught my interest, I read this. As always (usual?) with my critiques, you’ll get a line-by-line one first, and then any impressions, likes and dislikes I might have. Onward, then.
Quote:
He was denied nothing, and given everything he ask for. Who could say no to such a countenance?
Merge those too, perhaps with “for”. That first paragraph troubled me, it really did. If, having moved on, I saw that all others did too, I’d probably ignore it. But the others are fine, and only here I saw - something. Chunkiness? Hmm. It should be okay after the merging, though. Also, “everything he ask for”? Times.
Quote:
Whenever the prince entered a room, there was always a great collective sigh of appreciation.
I’d stick with a plain “he”. Royal titles tend to have an impact, you see, and if the character is cleverly devised, we don’t forget about it. I know that here it is not used continuously - it is just the just the second time, and the first paragraph, at that, yet it does stand out.
Quote:
He grew up in a beam of sunlight.
I’d suggest elaborating here, if only by adding a second part after the comma, so edited, it would look something in the lines of: “He grew up in a beam of sunlight, in (with?)”. You get the idea. Why, you might ask? Apart from it being prettier and slightly more detailed (though yes, you are giving just enough info), it’d be an improvement on the technical side. Your next paragraph also starts out with an extra short sentence.
Quote:
even if he beat a servant for dropping a cup, or rode a magnificent horse so hard that it was ruined for the rest of its life.
Contrast. We have this idolized image of him, and then - wham. That was good, very good, but I feel a bit more emphasize (since it is possible!) would not hurt, e.g. “even if he did (…)”
Quote:
I was not without my merits. I’d inherited my mother’s golden hair and my father’s intriguing gray eyes.
Statement, statement. Liven it up with a hyphen!
Quote:
I’d linger around the royal stables, hoping to gain a chance encounter.
Nice.
Quote:
I was merely something that had come out of her first marriage. She did not love my father—it was an arranged marriage.
Marriage, marriage, in two respective sentences. Consider avoiding using one of them.
Quote:
He was a well enough stepfather and husband to Mother.
“well enough”? And why is “Mother” capitalized? Above it is not. Or, differently. Downward, it’s capitalized. Only the above one isn’t.
Quote:
When I was small spent my time wandering around with my friend Dominique
Something is missing there, aye?
Quote:
When I finally got around to growing breasts and noticing men, I began spending less time with Dominique and more of my time pining for the prince.
When, when. Rephrase to avoid it. Time, time? Though how to avoid it (as opposed to? Not too formal?) without seriously changing the sentence structure, I do not know. \
Quote:
She was quite my opposite. She was meek, mousy, and soft-spoken.
She is this, she is that. The sentence before also starts with “she”, but that is beside the point. I would like to see the sentence structure changed in the second one, e.g. “Meek, mousy, and soft spoken, Esther (…)”. Obviously, that’d demand of you to think of a continuation, but since that was an attempt at yet another livening up, I think the price is an okay one.
Quote:
I would want for nothing and not have to worry about Mother pushing me towards Dominique.
Can one “want for nothing”? I’m not sure - it’s more a foreigner’s question than anything else, really.
Quote:
I always had much higher prospects as a girl.
Than what? That is the question I came up with directly after that sentence. The answer is obvious, of course, yet it - the sentence - does not link with what was already said in the story, not directly. The reader has to pause, and say: Aha! Dominique! He or she does that instead of going on with the story. That is why I would suggest changing “higher” to “high”.
Quote:
It was on one of these days when he passed by us. I’d just dropped a basket of rosemary and was bending over to pick it up.
Chunky, with all those one-part, undeveloped sentences. Consider adding a semicolon up there, and it’ll be perfect, I think.
Quote:
“May I help you with something, Sire?”
“Sire”? That makes me think of kings, actually, not of their uncrowned sons. Just a personal view.
Quote:
I know what is best, and if you trust me, you will find that you are glad you obeyed me.”
“find you are glad”?
Quote:
“You’ll what?” He raised his eyebrows, looking truly captivated with my answer.
The “answer” is unspecified. At first I thought it was the “answer” to the “You’ll what?”, but that would not make any sense, would it? He couldn’t be amused with something he didn’t here. So the only option open is the “Pig” part. Yet does that qualify as an “answer”? Hmm. Specify. It’s bad that I have to figure it out by myself. If it is indeed to the “Pig”, then I suggest you elaborate, e.g. (…) looking truly captivated with my answer (consider using something other than “answer”, if it refers to “Pig”) to (and yes, here you come and think of something).
Quote:
Being noticed by His Highness is one of the worst things that can happen to a girl.”
The title capitalized. Yay. But then, shouldn’t “Highness” by itself be, too. As in, “Your Highness”, as opposed to “your highness”? I’m not too good with titles, and I wouldn’t bet my life on it.
Quote:
I did not look to see whether he watched me walk away—I could feel his gaze.
That hyphen made me expect something in the form of a contrast to the first part, but nothing of the sort was given. That’s why I’d suggest getting rid of it.
Quote:
“Why are you here?” The man guarding the gate asked me.
The tag cannot be capitalized. Yet in minors, it would look awkward, no? But it has to be, it has to ( be capitalized)!
Quote:
It was the grandest place I’d ever seen.
That is all I get, at least description-of-castle-wise?
Quote:
The servants rushing by did not take care not to knock me over, and the stable boys continued their business.
By “not taking care to not her over”, you’re implying that they did, and the second part of the sentence does not, thus, answer the first. Stable boys can continue their business if they please, but I want an answer to the “knocking over”.
Quote:
“Berthe!” A cook called.
Minor “A”
Quote:
“There will not be a next time, monsieur. I am speaking to the king today.”
Speaking to the king about such a small matter? About a cook? Somehow, that strikes e as unrealistic.
Quote:
Words could not describe my immense disappointment. I’d anticipated the moment the prince and I would meet for years.
Strictly speaking, they’ve already met, aye? So, I’d take out that “years” part, and put something slightly less intimidating. You do that, and expand that section. Show us her disappointment. Tell us what she’d like the scene to look like.
Well, enough of the nitpicks, I think. On to the more interesting stuff (I hope).
CHARACTERS
-> Colette. As an MC, she is quite wonderful. I love her POV on things, and apart from being three-dimensional, realistic and alive, she certainly has her flaws, no? I look forward to reading more from a similar POV.
-> The Mother. It’s the subjective POV (yes, I do get to repeat myself - you don’t) of Colette that introduces her, yet I think I do like her. She’s busy, has to earn their living, but still manages to take care of Colette, despite of what the girl may say. I think that should be emphasized.
-> Dominique. So he’s that likeable, you-should-be-with-me-and-it’ll-turn-out-that-way type. Sweet and meek. Unless, of course, there are some surprises in store for the reader.
-> The stepfather. I’ll stop after saying that I do not understand his whole description - word-wise, his role is almost as big as Dominique’s! *is appalled* Now, if it is to expand later on, why don’t you keep that for then?
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
-> Obviously, the MC was going to the kitchens, yes? (side door part). But that only struck me when the a cook called out, and not before. Before were only the “side doors”.
-> If you scrolled down all throughout your story, you’d see that at the beginning, you had nice, long paragraphs. Later on they steadily diminished. Sometimes that’s natural, of course, yet some part’s I’d like to see expanded - at the end, for example. That cannot be qualified as “natural”. The girl who had tears streaming down her face… that can be elaborated. I’m only saying this because I’d like you, as the writer, to maintain one stile throughout your work. In some of the stories I’ve read (wonderful otherwise stories!) there’s a really extensive beginning, but later on, it ebbs. But a standard’s been set, and if I see something that I like at the very beginning - and I see that it is possible for the author to indeed do it - that I feel myself fully excused for requiring it later on.
-> Info about her stepfather really that needed? As of thus, he doesn’t play any considerable role in the story. He’s just mentioned. And then you proceed to give a whole biography. That’s just plain sidetracking.
LOVELY!
-> Description. Yes, I nagged at some points, and insisted on “livening up” some parts, but that was only because at those particular parts
-> Originality concerning the cast. It is the MC throwing herself at the prince, and the otherwise uncaring mother who’s against.
-> The MC, definitely the MC. Why? That was answered in the “Characters” section.
-> The flow. I know, it sounds a bit cliché, but your story flowed very, very smoothly.
-> Descriptions and vocabulary that really help me visualize events.
-> World. You created a very realistic world, albeit that “speaking” to the king about a cook just does not fit. Now, if he was prized, etc., yes, but he doesn’t seem to be. At least there are no signs of that.
Ending notes: I enjoyed reading this, I really did, though it does remind me of one queen’s biography (Karin, wife to Eric XIV of Sweden, actually). The king was one of Elizabeth I’s suitors, yet in the end married some very poor girl. He went mad near the end, and Karin did have her very own Dominique, but I suppose I’ll end the history lesson. There are, of course, considerable differences, and I do wonder what turn this story will take…
Cheers,
Esme
Just wanted to let everyone who cares to know that Chap. 2 will probably not be completed until a week into the summer. I am swamped with end-of-the-year homework, and can find little time to write. Sorry, those of you who wanted to see more
But you will, soon!
Hello! I stumbled on this today, and I don't regret it. I love fairytale rewrites!
Anyway, on to the story:
Things I liked about it:
1.) It had great grammar and spelling.
2.)It was easy on the eyes, since you double spaced before beginning a new paragraph.
3.) It has great potential.
Things I don't like:
-none-
That should sum it up! I'll be waiting for chapter 2.
Thanks for your comments you guys. I've started progress on 2... but now I'm afraid that you all won't like it as much as you seem to this so it's slow going as I process every little word I type lol
I loved it! Please write more!
Apart from a few mistakes that others have pointed out, it was a great story!
I'd love to read chapter 2. Hope you post it!
Till then, I'll be waiting!
when he and the kind and queen
king
Very discriptive. It sounds more of a hisorical fiction. Mabe a hybrid of genres?
Any way loved it.
Quite long to me though.
Remind me to read over this again. It is WAY to long for my brain to process. Stupid meds.
. But seriously, looks pretty good by a scan. Nudge me if I don't crit it later on. 
TNC
fier d'être! However, only a little and I don't know all that much of the language. Just a few phrases here and there.
And thanks for the compliments. I'll get to work on it, since you guys seem to like it.
KJ you should definitely think about continuing this.
Here's some things I liked about this:
1. J'adore your character building and how you painted the background,
2. Your vocabulaire was excellent
I was pulled into the story which is the whole point of writing and you did an excellent job.
Now for the technical stuff:
1. Parlez vous francais? Well if you do I just want to point one mistake. When the prince walks away, he says Bonjour when it should be A demain or A bien tot
2. You had many minor misspelled words: you had kind instead of king.
Overall please continue writing this...
Keep writing,
Angel
Nope. I have yet to write it. But I think I will.
Wow, is there a chapter 2 yet?
Very Good
I don't have time for a proper review but I will go on tonight and fix everything that I saw. There was only a few grammatical things and missing words so later I will fix them. But I can't now cause we will be leaving soon.
Good job Kels!