Edited as of 6-22-09. Wow, it's been a long time since I've worked on this! I've only just now started to get a passion for it again. Weird, huh? Anyway, those of you who read previous drafts let me know if it's an improvement, and those of you who are just reading it... tear it apart 
Prologue
January 17, 2008
Mackenzie Valley
Judgment
The eyes of my family bored into my back, and I hunched my shoulders as a meek defense against them. The Pack surrounded me, silent and calculating. Their features—some snarling, some cold, others anguished—were alighted by the circle of torches. The woods surrounding us were dark and disconcertingly silent. The creatures knew of our presence and feared it, as they should.
Mark stood above me, beautiful and cold, on the Stone. His eyes shone yellow, and he had exchanged his human teeth for his menacing fangs. I met his stare, hating and defying his soundless condescension. But, after a long moment, I was the one to drop my gaze. Hoping for some kind of help, I glanced at my father.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Uncle Richard bellowed at me, breaking the quiet at last. His words sliced through the air like the downward stroke of a knife. For a moment he said nothing else, and I realized that they were waiting for me to speak.
“I was… wrong to leave Mackenzie,” I muttered through my teeth. “To go to them… and I’m sorry.”
“Wrong to leave, were you?” my uncle hissed. Fur was sprouting all over his body as he spoke. “Wrong to leave? You’ve destroyed us! The humans are already here, sniffing around! All that we’ve worked for, all that we had—”
“Enough, Richard,” Mark said sharply.
Richard turned his glare on him. “Shut your mouth, pup. She deserves what she gets, and more. Judgment must be issued.”
Mark snarled, and my uncle cringed. I took a step back as Mark jumped off the Stone. He brushed past me, and I held my breath against the scent that touched my nose: smells of the forest, of wind, of sex. I tried to ignore the stirrings within my chest, tried to pretend it was only hatred and disgust.
My uncle dared to speak again, though Mark stood by my side. “You know what’s she’s done. Others who have done less than her were executed. You know—”
Mark member leaped through the air, wearing his pelt before he hit the ground. There was no great flash, no sound or obvious indication of what had just transpired. One moment there was a dark young man in the air, and then the next a black wolf towered over Richard.
My uncle was less skilled in his change, and he stumbled back on a root, tumbling to the hard ground. Mark jumped on him, and Richard cried out in fear. The Pack merely watched and did not offer assistance. Events like this were never interfered; status was something sacred and only decided between two wolves. The exception to this was if a new leader was to be elected; then every male in the Pack would fight.
“Do you challenge me?” Mark asked Uncle Richard in a deep, gravelly voice, his paws on each side of his head. While Mark was not the leader—the Pack had no definite leader yet, since our last Alpha died a month ago and we had to wait until the next full moon to elect a new one—he was above my uncle. The older man, scowling, eyes full of fear, shook his head. As he was already laying on his back, my uncle merely lifted up his paws, changing completely to present his belly.
Satisfied by the sign of submission, Mark backed off. He did not bother changing back to his human form. Instead, he sat down next to Derrick and resumed staring at me. I scowled. “I don’t need your protection,” I told him. I was deliberately shaming him before everyone.
He did not react. Those yellow eyes only continued to delve into mine, knowing and gentle. I didn’t want him; I didn’t need him.
But you do, a quiet voice in my head whispered.
Denying it, I presented my back to Mark and faced my cousins. Their faces alone told me that most were not willing to compromise. I did not know what else I could say. Promises were never made in the Pack, because they were considered ineffectual and unneeded. I had nothing to offer.
Uncle Richard, now standing once more and human, did not dare speak again, but a vein bulged in his red forehead. My father was beside Uncle Richard. I looked pleadingly at him. He sighed, raking a hand through his gray hair.
“Gen, I…” He looked away. I bit my lip. Even he could not bear the sight of me.
“In one thing Richard is right: Judgment must be passed,” my aunt Cornelia said. She’d been off to the side, silent until now. I resisted growing my own fangs and claws, and throwing myself at her.
I had to try one last time. “These humans are different. Please, just listen—”
“We are done listening, Genny,” my aunt interrupted, the hard lines of her face deepening. “You’ve ignored all the warnings, blatantly disregarded our Laws, and have endangered us all with your folly. Enough.”
I would not beg. I shut my mouth, glaring at her. Instinct urged me to look at my father again, to plead with him to save me, his only daughter, his only family. But I knew he would not. He was not a hero, least of all mine.
The humans around me straightened, and the atmosphere intensified. It was coming: the vote. Three choices. Three options. Tense, I could only stand wait.
My aunt was the one to lead the vote, and I was not surprised.
“Those in favor of banishment?” she called, raising her hand towards the round orb of the moon. Pelts were appearing everywhere, and soon Pack, not family, was around me. Pendants glowed like small stars on their chests, in colors of red, green, blue, and white. I remained as I was.
Several howls rose and fell quickly.
“Those in favor of forgiveness?” she continued.
My stomach clenched when there were only a few cries from the Pack.
Then came the last, the final judgment. And from the wolves that were still waiting to cast their vote, I already knew my fate.
“Those in favor of death.”
I gazed at my feet, blinking back tears. The Pack’s baying rose to the moon, bloodthirsty and anticipating. I hummed to myself to stop my ears from defining whose howls could be heard. I could identify many, if I so chose.
But I didn’t want to know.
Aunt Cornelia lowered her hand. “Judgment has been passed,” she announced. The entire Pack, as was tradition, howled in unison after the words had been uttered. Some howled in grief, some in tribulation, some in exaltation. My aunt made her own calls with the last.
Then came a moment of silence. No one would look at me; I was a Shamed One. An outcast, a traitor. No longer part of the Pack.
My aunt, a trace of a satisfied smile on her wrinkled face, finally turned to me. She regarded me with her faded blue eyes. “Tomorrow night, when the full moon rises,” she whispered. “Genny Soren will be put to death on the Stone.”
I did not plead for mercy, as part of me wanted to. Instead, I straightened my spine and glared at her. My white pendant began to glow, warm and light against my skin. But I resisted the Calling. The wolves around me knew it, and many growled at my defiance.
“You are no relation of mine,” Cornelia told me in a hard voice. I lifted my chin.
“You never were a relation of mine,” I said, just as cold. “And I hope your pelt rots in the sun.” The old woman stiffened, and the Pack whispered amongst each other now in low, shocked tones.
“Your death will be long and painful!” she shouted, eyes bulging. “You will not die on the Stone, as have other wolves. You will die in shame. We will go back to the ruins tomorrow, where this human destroyed us!”
The howls rose again, and I closed my eyes.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi KJ,
i really enjoyed your prologue it gave me a sense of the love hate relationship between both Pack mate towards Pack mate and human towards wolf.
You told us the setting emphasizing on the date which is a modern date, yet the humans are surrounding the pack with torches..... seems a little old school
All in all it was great writing and I am looking forward to reading all your work and hopefully some gruesome fight scenes
great job, i was feeling really sorry for her and was pretty much like "no why! give her a chance" and such which is really good. i felt like i was there, with the way you described everything, and i felt like i was actually the one being put to death.
well done
Hi KJ,
This was readable. You picked a good dramatic scene to start with, and I liked the fact that the worst possible outcome is the one that actually happened. I'm getting the strong impression that the Mark character will save the narrator from being killed, in which case the plot is a little predictable and maybe too heavily foreshadowed in this prologue. If not, ignore that.
My key problem with this piece was not being engaged with any of the characters. It felt like a lot of characters were introduced in a short space, and many of them were just throwaways: Derrick is just a name, Cornelia feels like a generic antagonist to me, the father was weak. Mark and Richard came across to me as puffed-up cockerels comparing the size of their, uh, whatever cockerels compare the size of. I wanted to tell them to get a ruler out already and end the argument once and for all.
Conversely, I quite liked the narrator's jaded thoughts about how her father wasn't a hero, least of all hers, and her courage in facing her own death. But I think her characterisation still needs another layer. Here are examples of places you could still work on:
* You don't need to explain directly to the reader that the narrator is fooling herself about not needing Mark. It'd be just as obvious and, imo, more elegant if she just turned her back on him telling herself she didn't need him.
* Ditto for her reaction to the family's eyes boring into her in the first sentence. Her family are hating on her, she hunches her shoulders. End of sentence. Emotion shown, not told. (A rule of thumb I learned from a smart person is RUE - Resist the Urge to Explain.)
* Her emotional reaction to her father not helping her is delayed, to the point where I couldn't quite follow the emotional journey that she went through. Remember to keep cause and effect together and flowing logically. She looks to her dad to protect her, but because he cops out, now she knows he's not a hero. It's these because-s that need to be in place.
I don't want to knock on her characterisation too much, because I enjoyed the edge that she has, but you can still take her up another level.
Not knowing what she actually did is hurting the story for me, I think. I can't tell whether the narrator is a moron who screwed up and is getting her just desserts, or a freedom-fighting iconoclast who's about to die for flouting tradition, or ... something else. This would really help me understand her. Nor can I tell whether the other characters are all as generically evil as they seem, or whether they actually have a reason for sentencing the narrator to death.
The pack voting ritual with the howling was interesting and atmospheric. The only part that bugged me is that I can't understand how a werewolf pack, which is apparently led by whoever is biggest and scariest and most heavily muscled, has democratic voting rituals. Especially since a few lines earlier the Mark and Richard characters settled a dispute with a Dark Ages-esque physical dominance challenge. These elements of the world-building aren't matching up very well for me. I'm struggling to understand the culture here.
Story has good bones, potentially going somewhere interesting, still needs a little smoothing over.
Karsten
*EDITED* Wow, it's been a long time since I've worked on this! I've only just now starte dto get a passion for it again. Weird, huh?
is it correct to start a sentence with 'But'? I don't think it is however I could be wrong.
However putting that aside that was amazing. It introduced you to the story very well however did not give too much away and burden the reader with information, it had the exact right amount of information and progression through the story. I will definitely make an effort the read through the rest of it after I have caught up on some sleep after handing in my college project.
A very enjoyable read
Wow KJ this is great! Are you a Twilight fan? Cause if you are I bet this was inspired from that! Anyway, twilight or not, this is a wonderful beginning. I'm too lazy to write in quotes, or write a real post, so here goes.
"“Gen, I…” He looked away. I bit my lip. Even he could not bear the sight of me."
Ouch. That's really harsh.
"“Wrong to leave, were you?” my uncle hissed. Fur was sprouting all over his body as he spoke. “Wrong to leave? You’ve destroyed us! The humans are already here, sniffing around! All that we’ve worked for, all that we had—”"
Humans sniff around? Consider using a different verb. Also, consider rewording this passage. A little awkward.
" Mark was a wolf of many inclinations, and did not necessarily follow all the rules of the Pack."
This isn't very clear. Perhaps you should elaborate a little more. Also, the reference to forest and sex in the previous sentence also didn't make much sense when compared to the next sentence. (this one)
"An outcast, a traitor. No longer Pack."
No longer pack is also awkward. No longer part of the pack, in comparison, isn't
KJ, right?
well, i'm new here in yws...and i'm really enjoying how young writers interact with one anothder by sharing their thoughts and ideas.
i love stories that contain supernatural elements like werewolves, vampires, angels, demons... because i think it would attract much attention than simple stories.
and you have more than ten chapters right?..wow, i can't imagine writing that fast..how long have you been writing this story?
truly, the title caught my attention. By Sun, By Moon..where'd you get it?
keep it up..i'd love to read the succeeding chapters, but still, i need more time.
god bless.
Hey KJ! I'm scasha! Anyway, I saw this was edited in august, so i've decided to check it out. Let's see what you've got.
Wow! Intense! I loved the action, the tension, everything right from the start! Your prose was very beautiful at times. You definitley have a way with words.
Overall Crits:
Wait, What Just Happened: At times, you can be a little inconsistent. Such as with the howling for the judgement and the choosing of the leaders as I pointed out above and I was also a bit confused as to what you meant by pelts. Is it their human clothing? is it their fur? I wasn't sure if it was directly connected to their bodies or not.
Don't Tell Us A Story, Show us: Overall, you do a good job with telling vs. Showing, however, I think if you weed out the parts where you tell us instead of showing us what the MC is feeling, your piece will be a lot stronger. I weeded out parts of them, so I would just go through and see what things and feelings you could put into action.
Other than that, great job! It held my attention for the entire thing! I can't wait to read the rest.
Really nice, it makes for a good prologue. You have a good concept of hierarchy, and how the wolf pack would deal justice. Personally I thought the pendants were a nice touch, it gives a sense of reality to the story. You did your characters well, I liked Mark's personality he seems to be a bit of a rebel. Her aunt is the type of person I would hate, but again, the personality is well developed, even if the evil aunt is a little cliched.
You did a good job with the ritual of passing judgment, passing votes by howling was cool. And again, it's those little details that make a story believable. I'll read the rest of them so keep up the good work.
PM me as you wright more.
WOW! Great Story Alert
Your story held me in suspense while i read to see what happened to Genny.
Her aunt is so cruel. I.E.
... or something like that.
All of your grammar and spelling error have been addressed so i won't go into those.
IWANNA READ SOME MORE!
PM if you have any questions
Hey
Kels, good, as you should already know. I did notice that when you spell the word “Judgment” you spell it with an “e”. I’m not sure if you did that on purpose or not but it isn’t a huge deal. I was just wondering.
Also, some of your paragraphs are choppy. If you read them out loud to yourself, as I did, you will see what I mean. Especially when you use your dashes, you have to make sure that it is as smooth as the entire sentence.
Now, time for individuals:
Okay, this is an example of the choppy thing. I mean, this sentence makes sense in all ways, but it could be smoother. With the part about “all of us”…I don’t know, it was just weird to read out loud. Maybe try: The woods encircled around us, dark and disconcertingly silent. Or something like that.
“Gravely” instead of “gravelly”
Other than that, it’s time for the positives!
1) When you used the dates and places and what was happening in the beginning of the chapter. You didn’t have that last time, I don’t think, and it was a nice change!
2) I see that you added more to this chapter. There wasn’t as much fighting in this one. But I do think that it could have used some more insight with your MC. I felt sort of disconnected from her, like I knew what was going on in her head…but not all of the time. Try to work with that. .
Well, I guess that’s all I got for you. I mean, there isn’t much to say when you write so well.
Keep it up, Kels!
*Edited* I took everyone's suggestions into consideration.
Generally, i just read the first few paragraphs, and stop because they tend to be too long. This on the other hand, hooked me from the very beginning.
.
I had certain parts of the story though that had me confused.... maybe a little lost. I think the wording could have been changed around a little bit to help this. I would define what i mean by this, but im a bit short on time at the moment. i do hope to be back and finish out this post, if you would like that.
All in all, a great story that i hope to read more of. Keep it going, i think that if you do for long enough, you could get this baby published! Just work out some of the wording a bit and it will be amazing
All my corrections/comments are in bold, okay? :D
Very good. I did a lot of nit-picking, but don't take it personally - it's just because I really enjoyed this story.
I love the pack dynamics, how they are so very human and so very animal at the same time. Most werewolf stories focus heaviiy on one or the other, but you did a great job combining the two.
The amulet is also intriguing. I want to know more about it. And I want to know what Genny did to deserve death. Looking forward to more!
~Sunny
You don't hunch your shoulders defensively. Its usually seen as a sign of weakness, sorrow, regret, cowering, etc. Maybe the protaganist 'squared' her shoulders, or drew them back, etc.
This was a little too awkward. I suggest it be rephrased. Maybe:
I was surrounded by a close knit circle of faces, thier features cold, others anguished and some snarling; all were eerily alighted by the glow of torches.
I would probably italicize 'judgement' to give the word more wieght, intensity and impact.
How so? If he's their leader I would think that rules would be something he'd want to seen upheld at all times. Leaders usually lead by example so I find this a little...odd. Also, werewolves are 'animals' by nature, the list of scents described above - how do they imply his 'inclinations' as being those that the other of the Pack would not follow as well?
I am confused. Did he turn from a man into a werewolf at this point? If so you might want to describe the transformation in a bit more detail. (Where there had once been flesh their was now a thick pelt of fur covering well muscled, sinewy limbs, etc, etc.)
Huh?
This was awkwardly phrased.
Try: In a flash Mark was over my uncle, teeth bared and snarling while those who comprised the Pack merely observed from the side. As per our laws, events such as these no one was to interfer.
The rest is not clear enough for me to make sense of it. 'Satus was something sacred and only between two wolves" ... I suggest you break this up and explain in more details so its less confusing and vague.
Should make it clear that this is an act of submission, might even want to state it after you mention that Mark is satisfied 'by her uncle's display of submission'
Also, I think you give the uncle's name too late in the story, and he doesn't need to constantly be refered to as 'uncle' as well. Feels very repetitve.
What does this signify? What does growing her fur have to do with displaying any remorse or contrite? It's clear that they have thier own mannerisms and ways of conveying emotion but it makes no sense to the reader if this is not explained in some fashion.
The word 'howled' is used waaay too many times. Try rotating with other variations like: Bayed, cried, wailed, etc. 'a crescendo of voices rose in an eerie chorus, the sound, melodic, sorrowful and inately wild was carried high on the night breeze; the figures illuminated by the full moon.
Story:
I think you have the bones for a compelling piece, the writing is a little flat but still shows potential. I think the more people you have reviewing the piece the better because its easy for us as the writer to envision everything that we often can't see the faults (I have the same problem, especially if I am writing a very intense scene - I can get so lost in the moment that I tend to forget no one else can make sense of what I see in my head the way I do).
Characters:
I don't really feel sorry for Genny. We need to empathize with her more. Give us more information about her and what has happened and why they are so upset with her that htey feel death is a suitable punishment over banishment. Right now I'm kind of like: Ok, she's going to face execution. Meh.... (obviously not a reaction you want from your reader.) Also, you might want to down play the whole segment with Mark attacking the uncle for daring to question his authority. And I don't really see Mark as being the 'leader' type. I think of more as the loose cannon/enforcer - the one who sits next to the leader and acts as his right hand man but secretly longs for the status and power of being the Pack leader. He's too vicious and cold with not enough strength of character to properly lead a Pack. Give him more depth. Maybe he has a temper, but tone it down a bit. Instead of him attacking the uncle, maybe another wolf steps in and challenges him for the insult. It would show the Packs devotion to the leader and desire to defend him.
So far the only thing different I see about this peice from other werewolf stories is that they can change thier form at will. Aside from that (thus far) it seems a little streamlined but its only the prologue so I wouldn't expect to really see or understand the entire picture just yet. I'll have more to say about this by ... oh, I guess Chapter 6 or so (depending on how the story unfolds).
Keep writing, especially since this is a story you've been interested in writing. I look forward to seeing how it develops.
Esmé: Again, another great review from you. I'd actually been thinking about the leadership thing, and the fact that you pointed it out only urges me to fix that little missing detail.
The next chapter will be along sometime next week.
Everyone else: Have I thanked you yet? If not, THANK YOU. I apreciate the opinions/time given to this story
KJ - As you know, I’m not a very big fan of werewolves, but I did promise you this crit (: I’ll try not to let my general prejudices make me view this story in black colors. As to the N&R part - the you definitely continuing that - you’d better.
Anyway, I’ll start out not with nitpicks, but with answers to the questions (which will probably be very vague, I admit) - nitpicks I could not find, heh.
***
No. 1 - I can’t truthfully answer this question, as I tend to avoid stories/books in which werewolves, or generally any weres, are the main characters. That means that I don’t really have grounds to compare this to anything. Er, last werewolf-related book I read? I cannot really remember, but I did watch “Blood and Chocolate”, something I didn’t really like.
No. 2 - Well, from what I see, my suggestions at this point would be entirely pointless (:
No. 3 - As much as werewolf-based stories go, yes. It’s the theme that I don’t particularly care for, not your writing, which is excellent.
***
As to your piece overall - it flowed well, was awesomely written, etc., etc. I couldn’t find any nitpicks, and so that made also the first, not only second, read much easier. I liked it, as far as the mentioned is concerned, because all you writing is fantastic (and yes, I know I’m repeating myself hear, but bear with me).
The cast, though. “Like” - “like” maybe I did, but not “adore”. And see, I want to “adore”. They’re all fine, I guess, but I feel they could be better, more realistic. I felt that the MC was sort of detached from the events that are obviously important to her, that will obviously have a great impact on her life. I can talk of that “life” part, but she did not know whether she would live - she could have been sentenced to death, no? My major problem, I think, would be emotion. More of that would be needed? I mean, I know this is a prologue, but I think this could have been more emotional. Scary? Scared for her - I should be thinking: Let those votes not be for her death. And I found myself not thinking nothing about her - I just, well, knew what it was all about, knew what was happening, but didn’t really feel for her, or, rather, not in the extent I should. And I really, really should.
The others. They’re characterized, none too subtly (the uncle and aunt), and Mark, too. The father I’ll just omit. But, back to those three, and their characterization. Actions, and words, yes? More or less, that is enough, but I’d still like to see more details, more descriptions build around those.
Pendants - cool, and the pelts, and the fight of Richard and Mark (was there hinting at some kind of relationship between those two? I found him the mysterious-que, darkish-but-not (vague impression) character of this piece).
Also, a thought: Leadership was mentioned. Was there a leader in this Pack? I saw Cornelia leading the vote, her just generally proposing that vote, etc., but I don’t yet know the hierarchy of the Pack, and so it’s hard for me to comment on that.
Cheers,
Esme
Hmm, since so many have already posted comments on this, I don't have much to say. But I really, really, really like this one! I'm loving it! I'm into werewolf stories and the like and I much, much, much prefer them to vampires any day. This piece isn't cliche in any way too. Unlike the normal depiction of werewolves having only instinct to kill and to mate - pretty much only the basic instincts of any being - this one puts emotion and thought and intellect in them - which is rare enough in the literary world. I'm planning to have a werewolf story too, only, you've beat me to it.
Keep on writing!
*on to the first chapter, then*
Wow! Very interesting Story!!!!
I have trouble coming up with plots, so my stories always seem to go on forever. Luckily, I have Jaqueline to help me with that. 
Great work! Please, please, please keep writing!!!!!
In answer to your questions:
1. I have never read any other stories about werewolves, but I don't think there are any out there like yours.
2. I have no Idea where you are going to go with this, but you'll probably think of something creative and exiting!
3. I don't know about anyone else, but I stayed interested!
One thing I noticed though, is that a lot of your sentences started with a noun or and adjective. There are some that start with another form of speech, but you might want to add a little more variety. Depends on your prefered style of writing.
I'm a little confused about how all the characters are related to the narrrator, but I guess you will explain that in the following chapters.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Searria
Wow, thanks
I'm glad you liked it.
KJ... I've spent two days here on the forum and the first thing i do is reread your pieces.
I just recently read the Twilight Saga..and reading this piece so quickly after finishing it made me enjoy it so much more. You are extremely talented and a natural writer as i can tell.
Some of the highlights for me were
This surprised me and made me laugh. I never really think about werewolves having sex.. but i tend to forget they can turn back into humans!
I loved how vile she was here..it strayed away from the description you give her throughout the story. Its a good mix for her.
Again..you are amazing my friend. I hope to learn a thing or two from you!
Since you've edited this, I don't feel bad for adding another review. This is a really great story, it really captures my interest,
. I like your view on werewolves, although the prologue is a bit limited on the subject, because it is a prologue. The twists that you add to the concept of werewolves is what will set you apart, and I think you did this rather well.
I think that 'silent' works better for what I think you're trying to say. The way you have it makes it seem like they weren't judging her.
This sentence feels like it's a bit jumbled. I think that the dashes will help the reader follow along with what you're trying to say.
The 'have' doesn't fit in this sentence, I'm not exactly sure why. But, I also don't think that you need it, the sentence works well without it.
This part is a bit hard to read. Maybe change the underlines to: 'his fangs had grown out,' or 'his fangs were out.'
Comma.
I think it works better moved down to that spot.
Is Mackenzie the place that they live? Or is it a person? Referring to the Valley by just Mackenzie is usually fine, but I think you might want to add in that it's a Valley when she speaks, since this is the prologue.
Added word, and really a nitpick...
I like the use of 'pelt' to refer to the werewolves changing shape, it reminds me of this one book (which had nothing to do with actual werewolves), where werewolves were rumored to be born when one wore the pelt of a wolf.
I think that it flows a bit better with the first sentence split at that point, and the remainder connected to the second sentence. The second sentence had to be reworked a bit, though...
I'm not sure if arms is the exact word for this, as they're supposed to be wolves at the moment. And then you say he changes fully. I think that this could use a bit of clarification.
For the most part, you call their changing to werewolves 'throwing on pelts,' so this part kind of sticks out as weird. Although, I also think that you can be a bit more clear on what you mean by 'pelts.'
We don't know if Cornelia usually leads the vote, or not. If you want the feeling of the 'of course,' try and find some other way of saying it.
I think these two sentences could be more connected to another, because they feel a bit redundant separated.
Who is this old one? You kind of go from Cornelia to the Old One, and then back to Cornelia, so I think that this needs a bit of clarification.
I don't think that you need the first few words. Then, again you have the unexplained 'old woman.' Finally, you strayed into present tense once again.
All in all, a great story. Werewolves are always good, and I think that you have a great twist on them. I think that your next chapters should be interesting to read, as this chapter was. I think you gave us a great balance of information and mystery, which really draws the readers in.
Off to read the next chapter, which I'm sure will be as great as this chapter was.
Good luck with your writing!
*Note*
Has been newly edited. I attempted to describe setting and family better. Hope it improves
Wow! What did she do to deserve this? I am totally hooked. I like werewolf stories, but I feel that so few good ones have been written. This has me intrigued though.
There we go.I'm sure you could spot this yourself, but:
Other than that, it's amazing. It could use some more descriptions here and there, but that can be easily fixed by editing in the future. This is a very good start, and the title catches me as well.
Hi,
I really liked this!!
It was, as the others said, unique. You wrote it very well, I really felt Gen's pain.
Awesome work!!
Okay, I know I just reviewed, but I have a comment on a previous review. "Bored" is used perfectly, that is a definition of the word, you don't have to worry about changing it. (Unless you want to, of course).
Thanks a ton
I just realized that you're new here on YWS. Just wanted to say welcome, and I hope you benefit from the site. (I know I have.)
And yeah, I feel like Chap. 1 is a little off. I'll have to work on it some more. Thanks for reading. Feel free to look at some more of my work ;P
Hey! I'm back at your request (and my interest).
Um, what? The eyes of my family bored... Does that even make sense? I don't think so - I've never heard it used like that.
Oh! This was very intense, well structured and brilliant! I loved it! I love werewolves, by the way - a big fan. You've pulled off something really original, I'll give you that.
1. Yes! Very different! Not very cliche either, so I'm very happy for you!
2. Well, because you've already posted the first chapter, I'm assuming you already know the answer to this question.
3. Yes. Definitely. I was glued to the screen the entire time. Out of all (six, maybe?) stories/poems that I've read on YWS so far, this has got to be the best, and most thrilling.
Awesome.
OK, I think this is a great start.
However, the tense is mixed, it's half past and half present tense. That's not really possible and needs to be changed.
I personally don't like the phrases "wearing his pelt," "pelts were being thrown on," and "taking off his pelt." I don't think that's the right word choice for what you're trying to convey.
So, to answer you're questions:
1. I haven't really read many werewolf stories, but this is definitely different from those that I have.
2. OK, that depends on what you want to turn this into, romance, horror, or supernatural are the main ones. In romance, perhaps she is about to be killed, but someone intervenes, possibly a male werewolf not of the pack. (Or if you want something between her and Mark...)
If it becomes horror, perhaps she somehow escapes alive, then comes back to get her revenge on the pack, (or the certain ones who voted outright for her death). Supernatural could be sort of like horror, except that she really is killed, and then comes back for revenge. I hope this helps.
3. You've captured my interest. You haven't fully explained everything yet, and I have questions that make me want to read on. Especially the pendants, they have me wondering what they do and why it would be so horrible to have them taken away. Of course, I don't think they should be what controls their ability to change, that's a little plain. I think it should be something much worse.
Overall, this is a great, solid start. I hope this helps. PM me of you have any questions or when you post the next part.
Ash-
I laughed when I read your message. Thanks for the compliments, my friend. And if you ever stop writing I'll come over with a chainsaw and stand over you while you DO write.
You're such a dork
Kelsey, Kelsey, Kelsey…what do I do with you? Seriously, you need to stop writing such good stories, or someday I might just give up writing. Gosh, you make me look so…so…I don’t know but it’s not good!
Just kidding!
I really enjoyed it.
jk.
But, as usual, I love it! I do think, however, that this isn’t your best work, but as it is being you, it is FAR from being called “bad”. Detail is lacking, but I love how you are using past tense. I remember talking to you about that, how we needed to test ourselves, since we always write in present! I wish I could say that I have been trying…
Anyway, the ending fit very nicely and it was the frosting on the cake!
Also, to answer your questions above:
1) At the beginning, it seemed sort of like all the others, with all the males fighting for dominance and the young pup as leader and all that. But when you mentioned the pendants, and stuff like that, that is when it caught my attention. Definitely, I haven’t heard of a werewolf story involving pendants, so that right there is unique.
2) Yes, I do believe that this would be more fitting as a Prologue. It actually seemed like one until I read the “Chapter One” sign on top! Ha! So, yes, I think you should have this as a Prologue.
3) With every story you write, you have captured my interest. I’m pretty sure you won’t kill of your MC but , you never know with you!
Well, can’t wait to read more of this!
PM me when you post more!
Angel:
Thanks, a lot. I really appreciate it. And yes, I am continuing it, right now as a matter of fact, And no, Mark is no relation. There is something between him and Gen, just so you're satisfied
Hope you continue to read when I post again.
Hey KJ, I really enjoyed this. For your attempt at a werewolf story this was way good. I think this should be a Prologue though, because it feels like a prologue...I don't know I can't explain it. I love the title, that's what really caught my attention.
I find myself liking Mark for some reason, really I hope he's not related to Genny because they could make a good bonnie and clyde wolf style though. Your originality is fantastic and I hope you continue writing this.
Good Job,
Angel