Published January 16, 2009
Chapter One
I was born July 1, 1991. I was always the cute little girl with brown curls who was nice and smart. When I got diagnosed with leukimia, it didnt bother me because 'they made it go away'. But when it came back, my hair fell out and I was hospitalized. The reason I met Kyle my first day there was because he was a volunteer that went around and talked to the patients in the hospital. He walked into my room with a rose in his hand. 'hello, im kyle. your kaylie right?' were his first words. All I could do at that time was nod my head. He sat down and told me all about himself; how he just moved here, and how he has this new school (which turned out to be my school). He talked for about an hour, and he stood up and started walking away. I then muttered out the words 'Don't go', and he didnt. he stayed by my bed side and stroked my hand. Two weeks later I was released from the hospital, and I went back to school; where Kyle was by my side constantly. I am now a 17 year old senior and me and Kyle are in love, more than ever! He seems different this week. "Are you ok?" I asked.
"im great," he wasnt finished " actually, im not. my parents are divorcing" his eyes began to water.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" I hugged him, burying my head into his chest.
"Thank you Kay, but you have to go to class now." He whispered in my ear just as the warning bell rang. He kissed me and walked me the rest of the way to my first hour classroom.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well...this is quite something here as far as first chapters are concerned. Before we get into the story itself though I have to say on first glance there are a couple of issues with the structure in general starting off with that first paragraph. There's entirely too much that's happening just inside there and that's not a great idea. If that was split up a bit I think that information could be received that much better. Now on top of that paragraphing situation the ending is also something that you need to be looking into because as it stands its a bit too abrupt there. I think you need to take a second look at the ending and either make it fade away a bit better or make it a more jarring cliffhanger.
Besides these two problems though, this is quite a sweet story. Its a touch rushed there in terms of getting the backstory to us but I almost don't mind that since its not trying to do anything else besides starting out with a little context provided by said backstory and that works well. In that sense this makes for a very intriguing opening I think and it could do quite well as the start to a story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, you know me for telling you what is wrong and what is right. But this tiime, I'll give you some tips!
Can't go wrong with that.
1. When writing a chapter, try to make it long enough to keep the reader wanting to read more. If it's short, they could loose interest for any particular reason.
2. Punctuation is key! Everybody is saying this and I'm just here to enforce that punctuation is the most important part in writing. It probably is the most annoying to hear, but it helps out in the long run.
3. Dialogue should be seperated even if it's just one person saying something. You had a good dialogue forming, but don't let that go to waste. Punctuation on this is just checking over the quotation marks but so far you're doing good.
4. Detail! Sometimes I agree it's hard to find just the right word, but if you can't think of one, seperate a line at the top saying something like "could you find another word for happy?" and critiques would gladly help you with that. Bobcat Poet told me this too, so don't worry so much on too much detail. Just enough to get the story interesting.
I enjoy reading this story now because you've changed it quite a bit, but keep going! Your other chapters are good and you should definately post them whenever you have time. You're doing great! Keep it up!
As Cat said, go review! You need two. It isn't too late to make up now.
1. To quote my English teacher: "'Nice' is a colloquial word. Refrain from using it out of conversation."
2. Leukaemia.
3. "didn't".
4. New paragraph.
5. Tsk, where's your punctuation?? "Hello, I'm Kyle. You're Kaylie, right?"
6. "He has this new school"? Don't you mean, "how he was attending this new school"?
7. See 3.
8. "He".
9. No need for the semi-colon.
10. "Kyle and I".
11. Wait, why did you suddenly switch tenses? Should it be past or present? And don't forget - new paragraph.
12. "I'm great." He wasn't finished. "Actually, I'm not. My parents are divorcing." His eyes began to water.
I would like to call him a wuss, but that would be tactless.
13. "I'm". It suddenly became too formal, so use a contraction.
14. How did he whisper in her ear with her head on his chest? And how is the bell warning? Elaborate!
All in all, it was too short and lacked elaboration. Try adding more description. The story also isn't smoothly running. Clean it up, I'm sure it'll be fine after a little editing.
Hope I helped,
Lily.
Hey there and welcome to YWS! One important rule here on YWS is that you need to do two reviews before you post anything of your own. It helps other writers as well as yourself!
Now here we go onto the review.
This was hard to read throughout the whole post. You had a lot of grammar mistakes which distracts most people from the actual story. One good habit to start is to look over your post before you actually post it. That way you can catch a lot of the mistakes.
Here are some of those mistakes.
You don't need the st in there.
A single rose? You don't really need single there. Just saying rose will work.
2 should be written out like two. You are supposed to actually write out the word if the number is below ten.
Also, you don't need that semi-colon there. There is no use.
I believe it is supposed to be Kyle and I.
Those were some of the nitpicks I saw. Another thing was inproper capitalization. You didn't capitalize some of the names, beginnings of sentences, and some of your I's. Capitalization is an important thing.
Another thing, is that you need to start a new paragraph after another person speaks in the dialouge. For example:
"I hope you enjoy being here on YWS," Cat said. "Thank you," KG_gibbs replied.
Isn't that a bit confusing? Here is the right way to do it.
"I hope you enjoy being here on YWS," Cat said.
"Thank you," KG_gibbs replied.
See? It's not as confusing and you know who is speaking.
On the acual story line, this has a lot of potential! I can't wait to see what you do with this. Keep on writing!
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.
Sorry, everyone who reads chapter one! i didnt get enough time to finish! i will finish it
Well, it's awfully short.
The idea seems interesting though, I'd like to see where you take it. My only critique is that you used always twice in the second sentence which kind of interrupts the flow of the story.