Published May 8, 2011
Spoiler! :
This is the begining of Leo's long journey of his life. This isn't all of it there are about five chapters explaining his childhood, as an adult. Thanks for reviewing!
Spoiler! :
This is part 1 because I am running out of time to complete the whole chapter, sorry
When I was sixteen I took a job for a local town about four miles from the family's farm. The town was called Tolehole, I was going to be a paper boy. I was going to work but also get paid! On Friday I started off from the farm to Tolehole. It was a long journey, but i finally go to the welcome sign of Tolehole.
When I walked through the welcome sign I was stardazzeled(?) at what I saw. It was amazing, there were shops, horses, wagons, these things with two wheels and guys riding them, and families, loving families. The families caught my attention the fathers had their arms around their daughters, the mothers pressed their lips to their daughters', and sons' heads. My family never did this, I don't even know what to call this. While looking at the amazment of the small town I never even noticed the sheriff beside of me. My brother, Brain, told me about these people. They had guns right by their hip, they would shoot you before you could blink, exactly between the eyes.
"Howdy son, what brings you to Tolehole?" the sheriff asked me. I looked down at his belt, sure enogh(?) there was a gun, shiney, and silver. I thought to myself son? My parents never called me son, they called Brian son a lot, and sometimes Moose, but never me. I was so nervous what should I say? Should I lie or tell the truth. I wish Brian hadn't told me about them.
"Umm I-I-I'm the n-new p-p-paperb-boy, s-sir." I nervously replied to the sheriff.
"What's your name son?" He asked.
"L-l-leo." I replied.
"Let me guess someone told you about us being really mean and shooting people for no reason?" The sheriff asked. I slightly nodded still clenched by fear. "Don't worry son, I'm all heart and very friendly. My name is Logan, I guess since your new, you will need some help with finding your way around old little Tolehole. let me be you personal guide." Logan then shot a great grin at me, of friendliness. Logan already was calling me son, he felt like a father I never had.
Logan showed me around town, he even intruduced(?) me to some of the friendly locals, he told me about what some shops sold,he told me the things with two wheels were called bicycles, he showed me the police station, the hospital, the doctor office, and where to go to the redsidental(?) area. Then we stopped at a building at the end of a street.
"Here is the newspaper company son. If you need me I'll be at the police station, don't be afraid to come by."
"T-thank you Logan." I made somewhat of a smile. He smiled back and left. I stared at him until he was gone from view. Then I turned at the old wooden building, it seem so tall, but what would wait for inside?
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
Hello. I'm Gheala.
- Make the "i" capital.
-Make it "went" instead of "go". Past tense
-I suppose you put the question mark after "stardazzeled", because you aren't sure about it, yes? Truth is: Me neither! I was confused once I read it and I'm not very sure what it means.
-One more thing: Make it "walked by the Welcome sign" and not "walked through". Walking through sounds as though it's a transparent sign.
-Make sure you put a punctuation mark after "attention". Whether you start a new sentence after a period or you continue after a comma before "the fathers". You know the rules.
-I don't think there is no need for the comma before "and sons" there.
-"Amazement" instead of "amazment".
-I liked that part. You got me interested about where your MC is. Was it Texas? Well, that was my first guess.
-New paragraph here.
-"Enough" instead of "enogh".
-I honestly don't understand why you put a question mark here.
-There is no need for the comma before "and silver". At least, I think so.
Hm.. It would be better, if you say: "Son? I thought." When you put the question like that, it doesn't make it much sense.
-Put a comma instead of the period after "sir". Always put a comma, if you're explaining the quotation afterwards.
-New paragraph here.
-New paragraph here.
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You have a few spelling mistakes, so make sure you proofread well. You also need to pay good attention to your punctuation.
Good luck and happy writing!