The Mysterious Girl: Chapter 1: Reaccurance

by KCunder
  • May 8, 2011
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Historical Fiction

Spoiler! :
Hi, this is a story I am currently writing. I am only on chapter 4 on paper though it is going to be a big story, maybe even a novella or even a novel! Thanks for reading it, in the next spoiler I will give you the "backcover" to The Mysterious GirlAlso this is written by a boy's perspective, and I am not a lesbian. But anyway Enjoy!

Spoiler! :
I found her on the street yet she knows who killed my wife? What is her name, who is she? Why wont' she talk? Mysterious girl is she, but what will happen to me, the mysterious girl, and the killer. Are they close, is she close, is he close? Who is the murderer?

Chapter 1: Reaccurance

Here I am, alone again I've lost my wife, my children, but I have a question. Why and how? WHy must I be blamed for this incident that I did not do. How did it happen? But this wasn't the first time I was alone. I was alone one other time. It was my childhood. The memories came back to my mind, memories, bad memories. I grew up on a farm in England somewhere, with my family. I had a mother, father, one sister, and two brothers. I did have two sisters, but one disappeared; lost, never found still to this day.

I woke up one morning. The cops were there at my family's little farm. My oldest brother Brian who was fourteen at the time had told me those cops were dangerous. They carried guns around just to shoot people for no reason, they could whip them out and shoot you perfectly between the eyes before you could blink.

My mother and father came in and told our family (Brian,Myself, Moose, and Tilly) about Leanna's so-called death. The cops found a body in our neighbor's, the Leavegoods, field. They hated us children except Brian. He was a smoother, cutting his body into everybody's mind and heart.

I knew my sister, though, and she would never go into the Leavegood's yard, she was my best friend. My parents believe the boys and girls should closser to each other rather than a brother and a sister, so we played along. We sent fake hate back and forth to each other to have approval of our parents. Still have an approval doesn't mean having a loving approval. They hated me, their favorite was Brain, the first, smartest, and handsomest son. Anyway, my sister knew about the Leavegoods, they wished revenge on us, I have no idea why, but they did they hated us just like my parents. After Leanna's disappearance Tilly, the youngest, who was only seven, became a dull, blue, depressed child. They thought it would help if they moved, so we moved to Arkansas. Still she was down, nothing we could do that would help, she was a helpless little child.

Today I have no connection with my family I lost connection with them a long time ago it would be nice to meet them again. I don't even know if my mother or father is still alive. If Tilly is still living the way she did she would have probably committed suicide by now. It would be nice to meet them again without my parent's judgment.

Now my Wife is dead, my children were taken by services, and I live in a big empty mansion of sadness.

Spoiler! :
End of chapter 1. I know it is kind of confusing it is becuase my book is not with me right now so I can't copy it down, exactly how I wrote it but it is similar to what I wrote. Thanks for reading, wait for chapter 2 ( it is longer):The Begining.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Sat Dec 11, 2021 11:47 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Here I am, alone again I've lost my wife, my children, but I have a question. Why and how? WHy must I be blamed for this incident that I did not do. How did it happen? But this wasn't the first time I was alone. I was alone one other time. It was my childhood. The memories came back to my mind, memories, bad memories. I grew up on a farm in England somewhere, with my family. I had a mother, father, one sister, and two brothers. I did have two sisters, but one disappeared; lost, never found still to this day.

I woke up one morning. The cops were there at my family's little farm. My oldest brother Brian who was fourteen at the time had told me those cops were dangerous. They carried guns around just to shoot people for no reason, they could whip them out and shoot you perfectly between the eyes before you could blink.


Well, that's an interesting start. Definitely the sort of thing that tends to catch your attention quite fast here with this particular situation. The introduction of the police especially gets your attention and so does the whole sudden disappearance situation. I think this is a nice start here at any rate.

My mother and father came in and told our family (Brian,Myself, Moose, and Tilly) about Leanna's so-called death. The cops found a body in our neighbor's, the Leavegoods, field. They hated us children except Brian. He was a smoother, cutting his body into everybody's mind and heart.

I knew my sister, though, and she would never go into the Leavegood's yard, she was my best friend. My parents believe the boys and girls should closser to each other rather than a brother and a sister, so we played along. We sent fake hate back and forth to each other to have approval of our parents. Still have an approval doesn't mean having a loving approval. They hated me, their favorite was Brain, the first, smartest, and handsomest son. Anyway, my sister knew about the Leavegoods, they wished revenge on us, I have no idea why, but they did they hated us just like my parents. After Leanna's disappearance Tilly, the youngest, who was only seven, became a dull, blue, depressed child. They thought it would help if they moved, so we moved to Arkansas. Still she was down, nothing we could do that would help, she was a helpless little child.


Okay..so yeah, this just continues in that vein of being very exposition heavy here. I don't that's a great sign for this piece here. You've gotta look into reducing that quite a bit or else despite the pretty interesting stuff that's being discussed here it comes of as just a little bland here to have a character tell us pretty much everything there is to know here.

Today I have no connection with my family I lost connection with them a long time ago it would be nice to meet them again. I don't even know if my mother or father is still alive. If Tilly is still living the way she did she would have probably committed suicide by now. It would be nice to meet them again without my parent's judgment.

Now my Wife is dead, my children were taken by services, and I live in a big empty mansion of sadness.


The ending is maybe the only part that manages to sort of save this here. Its an interesting statement to end on and that function well enough as a cliffhanger I think to make you want to read the next part. It could still do with a few improvements here and there but with that opening and this ending, as it is now, it does enough to at least get me to want to read the next part.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
KCunder
Comment
KCunder commented · Sun May 08, 2011 11:24 pm

I've wrote this once but it didn't turn out right.



The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller