E - Everyone Violence

Murderous Betrayal

PreviousNext

On a sunny Monday morning, Sarah, a young and proficient lawyer, was in her office writing notes for her trial tomorrow on her old Windows laptop. She picked up the document on the top of the multiple piles of paper searching information for her case. The office had just opened, and several people were already sitting in the waiting room . Although Sarah wasn't the only lawyer at the firm, most clients wanted to be represented by. Ever since she saved Jude Vane, the famous singer, from fraud charges she had become extremely popular.

Sarah’s first client entered her office. She was old, in her sixties. She was wearing a faux fur coat and carried a Louis Vuitton bag. She stopped midway and began scrutinising Sarah’s awards hanging on the wall.Sarah observed her for a brief moment before continuing to write her notes.When 10 minutes passed, Sarah shook her head impatiently and took the initiative to get the meeting started. It was going to be a long day ahead and she didn't have time for delays.

“Take a seat please,” said Sarah, breaking the silence. The lady turned towards her as if noticing Sarah for the first time.

“Very well,” she replied before brushing off the dust from the chair and placing her designer bag on her lap so she doesn’t have to put it down on the floor .

Sarah noticed this and wanted to tell her that her office's floor wasn't all that dirty.

The old woman , “My name is Marie, glad to meet you!”

“I am glad to meet you too. I’m Sarah, your lawyer. What brings you in today?” inquired Sarah in a serious tone.

“I am accused of a murder. However, if you had read the form which was mandatory to fill, before our meeting, you would already know what I am doing here!” replied Marie harshly.

Sarah could barely stop herself from snapping back that if she wasn’t happy here, she was free to leave. “I have several clients and I can’t remember all the forms filled. Now could you walk me through the situation.” replied Sarah in a sharp tone.

“Very well. I was having my breakfast with my grandson when my gardener came to me terrified. He told me to follow him to the shed. The moment I entered I saw the body of my ex husband with a knife planted in his heart. The knife was a souvenir from Japan so the police found my DNA on it and accused me of murdering him. He wasn't always nice to me but I could never think about killing him,” explained Marie, her hands shaking.

Sarah tapped her chin, silent, thinking over what Marie had just revealed.“I think someone close to you wanted to frame you. Can you tell me who knew that your DNA was in the knife and who had access to the shed so I can interrogate them?” asked Sarah.

“Me, my grandson Jack, my butler and the gardener,” replied Marie.

“Perfect, I’ll come tomorrow to start my investigation. Have a good day Marie.” said Sarah, closing her laptop and standing up to indicate that the meeting had ended.

“Sure I will send you my location by email,” frowned Marie as she got up from her seat hesitantly. She observed Sarah for a few seconds before picking up her designer bag and walked out of the office.

                                                                        *******

The next day on a cloudy Tuesday morning Sarah arrived at the location sent by Marie. It was in the countryside 10 minutes away by car from the city centre. The “location” was not a simple house, it was a big, white and modern mansion with several bay windows surrounded by well-maintained trees and a big garden which contained a modern pool.

The butler opened the big wooden door for Sarah.

“Welcome miss. Please follow me, Madam Marie is waiting for you!” declared the butler , inclining his head slightly. Sarah could not help but notice butler's tired face. Sarah followed him into the living room where Marie was sitting down on her velvet chair reading a book.

Marie looked up from her book and observed Sarah sharply, taking in her simple work clothes.

“Good morning Sarah, welcome to my humble abode. Can I serve you some tea?” asked Marie.

“Yes please” replied Sarah.

“Butler, prepare the tea and this time don’t ruin it!” shouted Marie.

The butler quickly scurried away to bring the tea. Sarah jumped back at Marie’s tone but quickly collected herself and asked “How long has your butler been working for you?”

“Thiago has been my butler for more than 20 years now. He has always been my best employee even if tension is building these days” answered Marie in a weak and tired voice.

“Why so?” insisted Sarah.

“Well, recently my grandson chose to study art which I strongly disapprove of. Our family does not study something as basic as arts. This is not how generational wealth is made or carried forward. Jack is incredibly idiotic to pursue it and I make it a point to tell him that he is a disappointment to me. So the conflicts at home are increasing everyday and this stresses me out so I shout at him and even more at my butler,” explained Marie.

Thiago quietly shuffled back into the room with the tea and served it to both Marie and Sarah, his hands trembling. Sarah drank her tea quietly. She thought about what Marie had just. Finally, she adjusted her posture and placed her tea cup down. “Thank you for the tea, I would like to have access to the shed please”

Marie, annoyed by Sarah’s abrupt movement, fixed her with a harsh look for a few seconds.

“Of course, Thiago will bring you to the shed where the gardener will be there if you need any help.”

The butler asked Sarah to follow him with a gesture of his hand. Sarah followed him quietly analysing the mansion. Arriving at the garden Sarah noticed the gardener cutting trees. The butler opened the shed and left Sarah alone. The shed, with its wood-panelled interior like a chalet, contained gardening tools. It was spacious and well organised despite the large bloodstain on the floor. Sarah was meticulously analysing the shed but she found nothing conclusive so she decided to interrogate the gardener who had come by several times, using mowing the lawn as a pretext to look around.

“Hello my name is Sarah, glad to meet you,” said Sarah, interrupting the work of the gardener.

Startled, the gardener introduced himself, “I’m Patrick. Glad to meet you. Can I help you?”

“Yes, I just wanted to know how long you have been working for Marie," asked Sarah.

“Two months and I'm very happy to get this job,” replied Patrick immediately.

“Hmmmmm. That’s nice. And I got to know that you were the one who discovered the body. How do you feel now? Still happy? That must have been terrifying,” asked Sarah .

“Thanks to my psychologist, I'm feeling way better. He has helped me understand that the police will be able to bring justice to this man because I found the body in time." explained Patrick in a very truthful and relaxed voice.

"Sounds like a great psychologist. Do you mind telling me his name? I have been looking for one after my divorce." Sarah tried to keep her tone neutral and conversational to keep the gardener talking to her. She wanted to make up a situation and check if he was able to share the psychologist's name instantly. This would show if he was telling the truth.

“ Of course, my psychologist is Dr. Olvo. He is a very well-known psychologist and I am sure he would be helpful for you. I am sorry about the divorce by the way,” said Patrick.

Sarah cleared her throat. “Thank you. Can I meet Marie's grandson please.?” she asked.

“Yes, please follow me. Jack is waiting for you,” replied Patrick.

Sarah nodded and followed him back into the house, through the big hallway and into Jack's bedroom. The bedroom was spacious with massive walls and a high ceiling. It was filled with several paintings and sculptures. As Patrick had said, Jack was already there. He was a muscled and athletic man. He barely noticed Sarah when she came in, busy painting on a massive canvas in the middle of the room. Sarah decided to sit down on an orange love seat analysing everything: the paintings, the sculptures and especially Jack. Sarah directly noticed sadness and depression in his face. Jack looked at her from time to time but didn't seem to want to start the conversation. Despite Sarah clearing her throat a couple of times, Jack kept on painting, his attention fixed on the canvas in front of him. Sarah collected herself and took the lead of the discussion.

“Hello Jack, my name is Sarah and I am glad to meet you. As you may already know, I have been hired by your grandmother as her lawyer and I am trying to investigate your grandfather’s murder,” said Sarah in a calm voice, trying to start the conversation.

“Hmm” nodded Jack at her but continued painting.

“That’s a very interesting painting. I like the way you have painted the dark, stormy sky. How do you feel after the death of your grandfather?” Sarah continued the conversation.

“I'm sad but I'm getting over it bit by bit,” confessed Jack, his hands in fists by his side.

“Did you get along well with your grandfather?” pressed Sarah..

“Yes, even if we weren't seeing each other a lot, he was not only my grandfather but my friend,” he said but his face turned completely red.

“Was he living far away from you? “ asked Sarah

“No he was 5 minutes away by walk but why do you need to know all of that? Your job is to defend my grandmother in court, not to investigate!” he shouted. He took a brief moment before throwing his paintbrush on the floor and announced that he needed to go to the washroom.

Sarah was shocked by Jack’s sudden outburst but her instinct told her to search the room for clues. She didn't have a lot of time before Jack came back. Fortunately the room didn't have a lot of storage. Sarah went straight for the desk, opened the drawers which were well organised. Sarah heard the flush of the toilet and really hoped that Jack was not one of these nasty people who don't wash their hands. The drawers contained a lot of art tools. She opened the last drawer and found a diary . As Jack closed the faucet, Sarah put the diary in her purse and rushed to her seat. She had hardly sat down when when Jack opened the door. She was out of breath. Jack shoots a suspicious look at Sarah before going back to painting. They stayed silent for a moment.

“ I will not answer your questions anymore so you can leave now. Oh just an advice, stop playing cops and devise your legal strategy instead.” said Jack harshly.

“ Okay, can you call Thiago to guide me?” Sarah replied, offended .

Jack rang a bell to call Thiago who guided Sarah to her car.

“Thank you Thiago I wish you a good afternoon “ thanked Sarah

Sarah entered her car and came back to her office where she locked herself. She took out the diary from her purse and opened it.

The first pages were about his life in the university. Sarah continued reading the diary and found that Jack had written a lot about his anger with Marie. Sarah was surprised to find out that there actually was a lot of animosity between them. In fact, Marie had named her grandson “the failure of the family” at a lot of public events.There were many other entries in the diary which indicated that there were often violent fights in the house between Jack and Marie. This continued until the last page which made Sarah clutch the diary tightly. Jack had drawn a picture of himself planting a knife in the heart of an elderly man. However, the drawing was not of the shed but that of an apartment where he was showing this scene to be taking place. Sarah remembered noticing a list on the previous page in the diary. It was a list Jack had made about things he needed. Strange things which made Sarah suspicious like gloves and a big bag. Sarah imagined the scene in her mind. Sarah realised that Jack had killed his grandfather with his grandmother’s souvenir knife, in his apartment, and placed him in the bag. He then transported the bag in his car to the shed in Marie's garden. He removed the bag and placed his grandfather's body in position so that the gardener finds it and everyone will think Marie has killed him.

Sarah didn't know what to do. So she decided to tell Marie to discuss with her what should be done. Sarah scheduled a meeting for the next day with Marie in her office to have “the home-field advantage.” Sarah really didn't want Jack to hear the discussion or get a chance to escape. Also, she was not sure how Marie would react. Sarah did not want Marie to confront Jack without the police getting to know first.

                                                                         ********

The next day, Marie arrived at the office. She had dark circles which depicted that she hadn't slept all night. She closed the door, went straight to the chair, and sat down, exhausted.

"I'm really tired with worry. Please tell me that you called me all the way to your office to tell me that you have found proof or at least a law which will declare me innocent," said Marie, exasperated.

“Well, I know who the murderer is,” Sarah said and then took a moment to clear her throat. Marie's eyes widened and she waited with bated breath for Sarah to continue. “I found this diary in Jack's bedroom, and because he seemed suspicious to me, I took it. And my intuition was correct. Look at this drawing made by Jack.” Sarah showed Marie the drawing made by Jack of planting the knife in the heart of his grandfather. Marie went into a state of shock. Sarah turned the page to go to the previous one and added, “Jack wrote this list, and I believe that he needed these items for the murder.”

Marie placed her hand on her chest and gasped. “I can't believe it. How can he do this to me?

How dare he? He is not only a failure, but he also wanted to frame me while I spent my whole life caring for him? I am calling the police right now!”

Sarah had dealt with such emotional outbursts with other clients, but Marie’s reaction left her rattled. She quickly collected herself again and tried to calm her down. “Marie, please calm down. We will call the police, but I need you to collect yourself so we can explain everything to them. And Jack must not know that we know he is the murderer,” said Sarah in a soothing tone.

The police came to the office. Sarah showed the diary and the list to them. They took DNA from the diary, and it matched Jack's. The next day, the police entered Marie’s house armed to the teeth. They arrested Jack for the murder and took him straight to jail. Although Jack initially denied committing the murder, he eventually admitted to being guilty of it.

                                                                      *******

One month later, Sarah was working in her office when someone knocked on the door.

“Enter,” said Sarah.

It was Marie. Sarah remembered how a month ago, Marie had come to her office to ask for help. Marie went to the chair, and this time without dusting it, sat down. Marie looked at Sarah, observing her. “I have been declared innocent, and that is thanks to you. I came here to propose that you work for me. I usually need a lawyer to put together all the numerous contracts we have to deal with on our family estate.The job pays well, there isn’t a lot of work and I need someone I can trust,” said Marie.

Sara was shocked. “Thank you, Marie. However, I have to refuse. I just like my work here too much. It allows me to help others and offer my services for cases where I have to dig for details to support my clients. However, I am always available for help so don't hesitate to ask,” replied Sarah.

Marie observed Sarah. Her face depicted respect but a bit of annoyance as well. Clearly she wasn’t used to being told no. “ I understand and respect your reason. However, I suggest you think it over. There is a lot of money I can offer you, after all! See you then,” said Marie and immediately got up and walked out of the office as if she owned it. Some people never change! Sarah smiled to herself and went back to working on her recent case.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Mostly some grammar gripes I have! Hehe!

Overall this is very good, I would like some more details however, what is Sarah wearing? How does the office look like? I know these details can be boring and don't write too many (that will bore your readers!) but some more details would be quite helpful and make us feel as if we're in this world, also could you introduce us to Sarah in the first sentence like "Sarah Smith" or whatever her last name is... it will make her feel more like a person.

Now this sentence can easily be fixed up: "Although Sarah wasn't the only lawyer at the firm, most clients wanted to be represented by. Ever since she saved Jude Vane, the famous singer, from fraud charges she had become extremely popular."

Instead of that you could say: "Although Sarah was not the only lawyer at this particular firm, most clients wanted to be represented by her; this was the case ever since she had saved Jude Vane - the famous singer - from fraud charges."

Now this sentence: "Sarah’s first client entered her office. She was old, in her sixties."

You don't need to say she is old you can just say she is in her sixties

Here: "A sharp knock came at the door. It was Sarah's client, a Mrs. Thrasher. She was a woman in her sixties with a permanent frown."

This is sentence says: "Very well,” she replied before brushing off the dust from the chair and placing her designer bag on her lap so she doesn’t have to put it down on the floor"

So she doesn't have to put it down on the floor sounds.. clucky? Maybe "So she didn't have to put her luxurious designer bag on the floor." Anyway I have not the patient to stare every little grammar and non-flowing sentences right in the eye!

The Story: Okay, I'm at the part where Marie is telling why is she accused of murder... I have one question, why is her ex-husband still here? Do they still live together? Surely he would've moved away and gotten some job and have his own mansion, is he some poor, can't get a job drunk guy so he stays with his ex-wife? Surely she would kick him out of that was the case? I would love you would explain this to me!

(Quick grammar gripe: " Sarah could not help but notice butler's tired face." is the Butler's name Butler? No, so say "the butler's tired face.")

Ooo, Marie.. she sounds kind of arrogant! "Humble abode" you live in a mansion lady! This is wonderful! I love arrogant characters they can be so fun!

(Another quick grammar gripe, where Marie is speaking she says "This is not how generational wealth is made or carried forward." it would sound more arrogant and have flow if she instead said "That is not how generational wealth is made or carried forward." )

(Another another grammar gripe it says "She thought about what Marie had just." and it ends, it should end like "She thought about what Marie had just said." )

Quick thing, if I was Sarah I would ask for more details on the victim, what was my client's relation to them? How was their relationship? Was it strained? Was it peaceful? And why is your ex-husband still living with you? What was your butler's and gardener's relationship with the victim?

Why is Sarah asking the physiologist's name? He surely has nothing to do with this logically, he's just a man doing his job helping people how will he help us? Does he live nearby? Why not ask for his address then? How will knowing that help us? Is she suspicious of Patrick? But where else would Patrick be if not a physiologist if he was a murderer? Does Sarah ever use this information to help her client? I see no use to it personally. I would ask how Marie felt about her ex-husband, how they treated each other, if the gardener saw anything suspicious, like say footprints.


Okay why would Sarah ask Patrick the gardener to lead her back to the house? Wouldn't be more logically to ask for the butler again and say goodbye to Patrick? Also how does Patrick know Jack is waiting for Sarah? He would surely say how Jack was in the garden to speak to him about how eager he was to meet Sarah if he wasn't eager to meet Sarah he would never mention her and Patrick would never know Jack was waiting for Sarah

Okay so her ex-husband doesn't live with her, so why didn't we make that clear earlier? Surely a real lawyer would ask that? Also what was he doing in the shed then? Was he visiting that day? I feel Sarah doesn't ask the right questions.

So none of Sarah's questions saved the day, they were useless, Jack's diary saved the day?

So.. this is intense.. Jack has anger issues and needs therapy or just to move out.

Also would the police have not looked everywhere in the house and questioned everyone? Surely the police would send their own detective to solve this as murder is serious business, the police don't just brush it off they look for clues everywhere, a lawyer's job is not to be a detective but to keep a connection to the police to have updates on the evidence that their client is innocent. I believe it would be stronger and more realistic if you had made Sarah a police officer or detective.

Sarah is the lawyer, surely Marie wouldn't have to tell her that she is innocent! Sarah would already know Marie is innocent?

Overwise, your doing great! Keep writing, it's the best way to grow and learn and please use my critiques and anyone else's as a learning opportunity!

Have a great day or night, Goodbye!

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Sarah is a lawyer who sometimes acts as a detective. One day, a rich woman named Marie comes in needing her help, because she’s been accused of murdering her ex-husband. Sarah comes in to investigate and finds out that Marie’s grandson, Jack, killed him and framed her! She sends Jack to jail and becomes somewhat friends with Marie.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I feel like Jack and Marie’s anger towards Sarah could be a little more subtle, like maybe not make it so obvious about how they feel with her and instead do little things to show their anger. Or at least do that with Marie because she seems like one to be more “proper” than Jack. But those are just my thoughts!

Chocolate Bar - I like how Sarah is taking the case head on and putting Jack in jail even though he probably killed his Grandpa just to make Marie upset. She is not letting feelings get in the way of justice. I also like how Marie and Sarah become friends at the end of the story, which shows that there is some growth between them both. I have a feeling that a lot more will come out of this relationship.

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a suspenseful story about a murderous plot! I have enjoyed reading this and if you ever decide to continue this, I will be sure to read more on Sarah and Marie. And now…

I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^

I loved reading this story a lot, it grasped the whole idea of a mysterious betrayal in murder. This story had a very good, suspenseful plot, letting me enjoy reading this story. I loved how Sarah's character came across confident, intelligent, and determined making her an amazing main character for the detective-style narrative. I loved how the story gives clear descriptive details about the mansion, the family’s wealth, and the uncomfortable tension inside the house. I loved how the detailed words like “big, white and modern mansion,” the designer bags, the velvet chair, the butler, and Jack’s art-filled bedroom, which all help create a rich setting for me to enjoy. If I could give tips, the story had slight errors in grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure mistakes which made the story confusing at some points. The plot was very good when increasing but felt sped up at the end when immediately solving it after finding one or two clues.



A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb