JAMES. E.
Or,
The Man Who Forgot.
Chapter 1
The Memory
In order to regain composure, for tomorrow he had an important meeting, James Everyman decided to browse a photo album of his family’s past. Just as he turned the first page, sudden horror seized him; for his mind couldn’t recognize anyone in the photographs, all faces were alien.
He sat in his deep armchair, near the fireplace, looking at the photos, dazzled, cleaning his glasses with a special bit of fabric and raising his eyebrows in sheer bewilderment. But still, not a fleck of memory came.
Perhaps the album he picked was not his own? Perhaps it belonged to the previous owner of this house, or was it a mysterious stranger playing him for a fool? He had to check the description on the first page which said: ‘In the memory of my dearest family that I miss everyday’, the handwriting undoubtedly belonged to him, but he had no memory of writing it either.
Just as doubt disappeared, he realized the photo album was his own; therefore it was his own blood he could no longer recognize! James E. clenched at his chest with both hands, as if having a heart attack, letting the album fall. In his veins blood circulation sped up hastily and the droplets of sweat soaked his temples. He had enough sense to start breathing rhythmically in order not to faint.
In half an hour his wits managed to get hold of him again so he calmed down. The photo album had brought more trouble than it was worth, it made him feel guilty, it made him nervous and first of all, it made him think. Which was the last thing he wanted to occupy his brain with, for as I have said, tomorrow he must be present at work. It was going to be the most important meeting in his career, he had no time to waste thinking about some old photographs.
Yet still, out of curiosity, he peeked into the album. there were many photographs, but a family portrait struck him the most: it showed a tall country man with ragged clothes and a pitchfork in his hand, a woman with a scarf wrapped around her head sitting at the table, a boy on a bicycle and a girl with short, almost boyish hair with a captivating, jeweled, round medallion with a tiny songbird in its center, around her neck. The ornament stood out as very rich among the poverty-stricken family displayed in the photo.
On the next photo he observed all four members of the family gazing at the sky from the balcony, mother and daughter were staring sitting on the floor, while father had his son, who was clearly excited seeing whatever it was in the sky, sit on his shoulders. As to what they were looking at was not shown.
On the third photo, James E., saw that very boy, albeit a bit younger than in previous photos, sitting in the sun and being half covered in melted chocolate while passionately licking it from his fingers. There was something about whole evening he found unsettling, so he closed the album and prepared to sleep, for it was quite late. He did not want the lack of sleep to be the cause of his failure at work, especially when he had been looking for the meeting for so long! And there was no one in the house to wake him up early, so he just had to leave all the thoughts alone and try to close his eyes.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi K4wa, Felistia here with a review on the first chapter of your novel.
Firstly, happy review day.
The story: The story has an interesting set up so far and is engaging. This is the first chapter, so I don't know much about the plot, but I am guessing it is around him getting his memory back. I love that there is no dialogue in here, don't know why, but I just love it.
The characters: I am glad that you decided to start the story with only one character, it helps the reader form a relationship with the character more easily. The emotions in here are very strong and help the reader connect with the character more easily.
The setting: The descriptions in here are great and give me a very vivid picture in my minds eye. You used descriptions to basically carry the chapter and the descriptions did it well. Well done.
Problems: The chapter is a little short so there isn't much to go on here for the reader and you didn't present a very interesting hook at the beginning of the chapter that draws readers in.
Over all I liked it and look forward to your next chapter. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Hey there, K4wa!
What made me interested in this story was the description, and once I started reading the first line, I couldn't understand why you described it as such. But now that I've finished it and looked it over, I understand. And boy, it sure does add some sort of eeriness to it all.
From what I've read, I'm guessing James has a mental illness of some sort; probably Alzheimers, yeah? I'm also inferring that he's a bit old considering the random attack he had. Now I know a story told through the eyes of someone who has Alzheimers is a bit overdone, but I swear, every time I read a story about it, I get a new perspective every time.
I think you did a fine job as the narrator. I find it interesting how you chose to tell the story to the reader rather than putting the reader in James' mind, if you get what I mean. Most people avoid this, but with this story I think you did a well enough job.
The only thing I've got to nitpick here is some of your sentence structures. Don't get me wrong; you're writing is great, but sometimes you offer too much than what's actually needed. Here's some examples:
I chose this line to show you the fact that you're using too many words than what you actually need. You could rewrite this sentence as: "Just as doubt disappeared, he realized the photo album was his own." See, when you take out all those extra words, the sentence becomes concise and your point is clearer.
Here's another sentence:
I chose this sentence because you have far too many commas in there, making the sentence longer than it actually needs to be. Also, using excessive commas disrupts the flow of the story and lowers readability. To fix this, you could easily split the sentence into two. Here's an example:
"...which was the last thing he wanted to occupy his mind with, for as I have said, tomorrow he must be at work. It was the most important meeting of his career, and he had no time to waste thinking about old photographs."
You can catch these mistakes by reading the piece out loud as it is written before you. Don't skip any commas or add any pauses; if you read it as it is, anything that feels funny in your mouth would most likely feel funny to your readers as well. Other than that, I did enjoy this piece, and I think you've got some strong writing skills. But just remember that sometime simplifying things can be the best way to go.
Have a good day/night!
Thank you for review.
Yeah, English is not my first or even second language so it is natural that my sentences end up a bit overdone in an attempt to sounds 'poetic'. Will edit it for sure.