Young Writers Society

Welcome to YWS! I can see you are a beginner, which is a step in the right direction. This has some potential, but needs alot of work.

Grammar:
Seriously lacking. There are a ton of those mistakes in here. It's the little things. If you have Microsoft Word, I would paste that there, and allow it to point out all of the mistakes. Also puctuation needs to be fixed as well. Also, dialogue is a whole 'nother kind of beast when just starting to write, it took me forever to get it right. Here is an example:

I tap her shoulder and she looks at me with a sad puppy look.
"I'm sorry," I smile, she smiles back.
"I'm sorry too, can we talk later?" she asks.
"Yeah, I'd love to," I answer.
She smiles again and goes back to her paper.

Notice how when the sentance continues after someone speaks, I insert a comma. Also, there needs to be no space after quotation marks.

Diction/Imagery:
Alright, the diction is lacking as well. I have really found that a thesaurus helped me out a ton! Unless you are aiming this at a much younger audience, I'd use a few "complicated" words. Also, Inserting more imagery would help tremendously. Let us see how everything looks, make us feel like we are there!

Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

'I wake up exhausted and wanting to sleep again, do I really want to go to school? what's the point? to get bullied and beat up my the D.O.G'S again ( Detroit Original Gangsters ) I hated them, espicially Travis.'
'I woke up exhausted and wanted to sleep again. (then italicized this) Do I really want to go to school. What's the point, to get bullied and beat up by the D.O.G'D again. (Detroit Original Gangsters) I hate them, especially Travis. (then end italicized)'

'cornered and whipped out a pistol.'

'My mom got arrested a week after my dad died for carrying drugs, she got out 3 years ago and she lives in New York with my only brother Jason. I always feel a little angry because of there lack of trying to find us, but I don't need them I don't need anybody, never have never will.'
this paragraph would be better being slip up into four sentences instead of two.

' " hey Jake, let's go we're late " she tells me pulling me outside by my arm.'
' "Hey Jake, lets go we're late." She says, pulling me by the arm outside.'

'she smiles, she was my only friend, besides Danny I've been best friends with him since 4th grade, us three were the only ones who we hung out with besides us we're loners.'
'she smiles. She was my only friend until 4th grade, where I met Danny. The three of us hang out because we're loners.'

'As we were walking'
'As we're walking'

Okay I'm going to stop right her for a little bit and talk. First and foremost you like really need to capitalize the first letter when someone is saying something.
"Hey guys." and "Wow danny.." See it makes it so much better. Oh and yeah Chuck was right about the whole when you have them talking you need a separate paragraph. It sometimes gets confusing on who's talking if you don't say their name after like everything.

Second you really do have some spelling and punctuation issues. You should use spell check. With me I use spell check and a dictionary, just to make sure I'm using the right word. You might want to do that as well, because some of the words you're using could mean something else.

Okay so now I continue reading.

Now you have the rest of this in italicized, which shouldn't be. When i read the first part that was italicized I though he was thinking to his self 'great just great.' That could have been a good part for him to say to his self, but you have it as him saying it out loud, so it doesn't need to be italicized.

'he asks angry'
'he ask angrily'

Okay so I'm done. To be honest with you the novel is really good, but needs a lot of work. I think it will help you to read what you write, kind of like reviewing it yourself. Then if you feel that you can understand it or its good enough for you then you can post it. I'd really like to read the next chapter because it reminds me of something that could happen to anyone any day at school. So I like for you to continue it and keep in mine what everybody who reviews says. Like my friend says. Practice makes perfect. And like I say. You just gotta want it. So if you want it to be a great novel then all you need to do is to practice.

~:D LOVER OF EMOTIONS ~

Hello! I am Chuck. I will be doing a review for you today.
Okay first off I noticed right up near the start that you have people talking on the same sentence. Now i'm not sure if this is a formatting error or a human error but whatever it is it shouldn't look like this: (This happened all over the text)

I close the door and walk with her, she was my best friend since 2nd grade she knew more about me than anyone else, even my own uncle, mom,dad, or brother, well like I said I only have contact with my uncle so it's not surprising she knows more about me than them. " hi, I was gonna miss today! " I complain, she laughs " well too bad I need you today " she tells me " why? " I ask " because....I don't know It's just boring without you " she smiles, she was my only friend, besides Danny I've been best friends with him since 4th grade, us three were the only ones who we hung out with besides us we're loners.