No beast walked among the icy fields of the countryside that morning, neither did the birds give voice to their customary morning praise. Even the most disciplined of men still lay in their beds, hesitant to expose their toes to the bitter cold.
Ariel was not a beast of the field, neither was she a bird, or a man snuggled safely in his warm bed, she was a young woman, standing before her open window, awake and aware. She leaned out, letting the sunlight catch her in its soft glow, and marveled at the frozen earth which spread out before her as a canvass of white. Even the courtyard far below, normally busy with the comings and goings of servants, was unmarked by paw print or footsteps. She could not have wished for such perfect solitude. A crisp gust of air made her pale cheeks blush, and her thin lips smile. She brushed away the silvery strands of black hair which had fallen in her face.
Its getting long again, she thought, as she tucked it behind her ear.
She leaned out a bit farther, almost too far, and closed her eyes, imagining that she were a hawk, or an owl, or even the small brown sparrows which nested in the eaves of her tower. It didn't matter, as long as she could fly.
The creaking of her door being opened disturbed the momentary rapture.
“What do you want?“ she snarled, startling the house servant who peeked timidly around her door.
“Oh! - I was just wondering where this cold draft was coming from. I didn't realize you were awake.”
Ariel's face curled with disgust as she recognized the voice of the new maidservant. She was a petite creature, pale skinned and doe eyed.
Just his type, she thought, remembering it was her stepfather who had hired her.
“Whether or not I was asleep is not the question. Since when were you given permission to enter my room?”
“I’m Sorry! I thought only to slip in here, and close the window without disturbing your sleep. I had not meant to intrude - I only-.” The young woman faltered, frightened by the throwing knife Ariel had pulled from her waist pouch.
“I - I only." Ariel mocked, "I asked you whether or not you had permission to enter my room, not what you thought you were doing.”
“No my lady! I’m sorry I-!” The knife left Ariel's hand and vibrated in the door, just inches from the servant's face.
“Drat! I missed!” Ariel hissed, her eyes alight in amusement.
"You- you’re insane!"
Ariel's scowl deepened, “Bring that knife back to me!”
“Excuse me?!”
“Either you bring me back my knife or get out of my room!”
The young woman fled, slamming the heavy door behind her.
"You know, that's not the purpose I intended for that knife when I gave it to you," said a voice from behind her.
It was Ariel's turn to be startled, the sadistic sneer on her face vanishing as she whirled around to face her window, now half filled with the head and shoulders of a roughly dressed young man.
“So you say,” she said, composing herself with a cat’s smile.
“So I know,” he said, “I gave that knife to you to protect yourself, not to terrorize servants.”
He was finished climbing in, and sat on her window sill, waiting to see what she would say. She studied him. His face which for her had always been so good humored was shadowed by anger. No, anger was the wrong word. Worse, he looked, let down.
“Don’t be fooled by those doe eyes Nathaniel. I’m certain my step-father hired her to kill me.”
He laughed. “You see, this is why I need to get you out of here. These castle walls are playing games with your mind.”
“No, I mean it Nathaniel. Do you really think she noticed the draft from my window all the way from my step-father's wing?” Her own words caught her off guard, she hadn’t really thought about it until then.
There was a moment of cold realization. It could only be the truth. Blind hot fury welled in her heart.
That man will pay dearly!
Nathaniel must have mistaken her anger for fear. He pulled her into his arms, and leaned her head against his chest. She could feel his heart race against hers.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. She looked into his eyes, but had to look away. They were too warm, too kind, and too brave. She feared what he must see in hers.
“How can you be so warm?” she said, grabbing his hands in hers,“ It’s freezing out there! You aren’t normal!” She smiled, he smiled back.
“Don’t fuss at me about being unnatural. I can’t remember a time when your hands haven’t felt like ice.” He brought them to his lips, blowing warm breath on them.
“I can,” she said. Her face which minutes ago had been harsh and cruel was thoughtful, wistful even.
There were things she wanted to tell him. Like how she hoped they would be married one day, and every gritty detail of how she planned to assassinating her step father, but she knew he’d never hear her. If anything he would try to stop her, and she was already too invested for that.
She pulled her hands away from his, and stepped back, trying to force her muddled brain to think.
“So, what brought you here? Especially on a morning like this?”
“Nothing, I just saw you from my room.” He pointed down towards the village a mile away.
She laughed, “You must have been looking pretty intensely.”
He didn't deny it. It was too much for her.
“Don’t you have work, or something?” she said.
“Today? No. At least, not until the sun is at it’s highest, and even then, it will only be to build the bonfires. Today is the festival...don’t tell me you forgot?” She had. “Do you want to come with me?”
She wanted to say no. Festivals were too loud, too confused, and too busy, but she couldn’t bring herself to refuse.
“For you Nathaniel, I would gladly bear many festivals.”
He laughed, “You make it sound like torture. Trust me, it will be fun. I promise.”
He kissed her goodbye, then climbed back out the window and down the tower wall. She leaned out to watch him, nervous. It was a difficult descent, but he handled it with the grace of a squirrel. She didn’t know why he bothered. She was sure he could just walk in through the front door if he wanted. It’s not like anyone would care.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this very interesting description about a woman who stares out an open window in a rapture during a bitter cold winter and is disturbed by a maid at the door and then by someone peeking in through the window which is high above the courtyard. I like the drama of someone peeking in through the open window. Also the introduction of a maid servant is good because it informed me of her social status.
I like the way that I was made aware of her cruel personality by having her order her maidservant around and even threaten her with physical harm. .
Suggestions
Chapter Length
Four-hundred and eighty-four words is far too short for a chapter of a novel. Usually a minimum a of a thousand words is best because it provides room for descriptions. Otherwise it tends to be a skeletal sketch.
Pacing
The immediate introduction of someone at her window seemed a bit too soon. Maybe because of the sequence of events are too closely spaced. Seemed as if the author was rushing things. So a slower pace would have been better in my case if that makes any sense
Purple Prose
https://www.nownovel.com/blog/purple-pr ... -to-avoid/
Many of the expressions come across as totally unnecessary and seem like purple prose.
Purple prose distracts because it gives the impression that the writer is striving to impress via unnecessarily complicating things.
Character and place description:
Please describe Ariel so we can see her. Apart from having bony cheekbones, which is a very vague term, I was unable to visualize her at all. Is she black or white? What’s the color of her hair or her eyes? Is she in a house or in a castle? How far from the ground is her widow? How does her room look?
You see, the reader will try to fill these things in but they might not be what the writer wishes. If they aren’t, then the reader will be jolted when he later finds out that he was wrong and wonder why he wasn’t told at the outset. The chapter has plenty of room to include these things by just adding approx 500 more words to it. Actually a physical description can be fitted in relation to her appearance in the sunlight. That is an ideal opportunity to include how she looks.
. . . . letting the rising sun catch her in it's soft glow
Punctuation
"Just his type," she thought
.
, . . . frost bound . . . .
[. . . . frost-bound . . . .]
. . . . fine boned cheeks . . . .
[. . . . fine-boned cheeks . . . .]
. . . . in his warm bed. She was . . . .
[. . . . in his warm bed, she was . . . .]
. . . . country side . . . . [This means the side of the country]
[ . . . . countryside . . . .]
. . . . rose bud lips.
[ . . . . rosebud lips]
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define. ... bud%20lips
a confident smile rose upon her thin lips [Sounds pompous if that makes any sense.]
Also, seems strange that bitter cold on her cheeks should provoke a confident smile nor why it should be compared to a kiss. It brought to mind maybe a kiss by the Grim Reaper?
I found the comparison of silence and cold of winter to grave distracting. After all, is a warm grave any better? Seemed as if the writer needed to exaggerate at any cost in order to pull the reader in and death and the grave was chosen. Something less gruesome would have been in better taste.
All in all a very interesting read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you so much for your review. I always appreciate an honest critique. As you can see, I've made quite a bit of edits. It isn't perfect of course, it may never be, but perhaps it is a little more enjoyable to read.
Did you known that I wrote this when I was a teenager? I've edited this so many times, and you can still taste the teenage melodrama. %uD83D%uDE05
The one I reviewed stopped at the part that the man appeared in the window.
Yes, you said it was too short, so I made it longer.
Oh OK! I will read this longer one. For a moment I thought I had somehow missed the rest of it. Good to know that I am not hallucinating. LOL!
Ha! Yep, not hallucinating is always a good thing. Sorry for the confusion.
Hey, I'm here to give you a quick review.
I just want to say Ariel interests me immensely. From this chapter itself, we can figure out some things about her. She doesn't like her stepfather, thinking he's a shameless pervert (this is what I gather from her statement that the maid is just his type), and because of that, is mean to her maid.
I'll be frank. Sometimes goody-two-shoes character bore me, so although Ariel is a somewhat aggressive character, we don't know her story, so it's too quick to judge. And I want more of her story, especially how she's good with knife throwing (I'm pretty sure she doesn't missed often).
Also, the maid does seem like a straightforward person and isn't scared to voice out her opinion, which can cause her demise (as been seen in this chapter). I'm pretty sure she's just a side character, but I think she stands out as a maid because maid doesn't say those things to her boss's stepdaughter.
The part about the man is definitely interesting. I wonder who he is, and how he can get to the window. xD
I encourage you to insert more description. As it is, I can't pretty much imagine what the room looks like. Even the sight out of the window can be in details. Also:
I don't think you have to split this sentence. It seems like an attempt to create suspense, but because of the sudden break of sentence, the professionalism of this chapter is lessened, and thus evaporating the said suspense.
All in all, a solid first chapter. Keep up the good job!
I stitched the two sentence fragments back together.
I wrote a chapter 2 and 3, if you are interested. In chapter 2 I worked on unveiling Ariel and the young man's character and history better. In Chapter 3 the alluded Step-father makes an appearance. This is where it starts getting exciting.
I am so thrilled that the maid's real character came out a bit here. She becomes a real thorn in Ariel's side after this.
Oh! I forgot to say Thank you! Your review is much appreciated. I'll try my hand at painting the setting in a bit more.
Wow! I didn't think the maid would play a role later, but the, ehem, spoiler make it more intriguing.
Sure, I'll read and review the second chapter for you. Not sure about the third, since I'm not good at committing myself to follow a novel. >.>
And you're welcome!
Cool.
and don't worry, I understand the whole commitment thing, so no pressure. ^.^
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Okay so this is just really a side note. When you name your characters, try to use lesser known names. Ariel just gives me the image of a little mermaid before you've even introduced the character.Nit-picks
Is Ariel the main character, because if so, you're making her out to be a down right nasty person, which isn't a good way to start a main character. You want your readers to like the main character, now side with the person she's attacking.
Grammar and Punctuation
"it's" shouldn't have a comma.
This should be one line.
Overall thoughts
Chapter plot: Okay so you left this chapter on a cliff hanger, but you haven't really introduced the main plot yet, so I don't really have anything to say here yet.
Characters: I think you've introduced me to the main character (Ariel) and possibly her lover?
From what I can gather, Ariel seems to be rich girl with a mean spirited attitude. I really hope you're going to bring a reason for this behavior later on, because at the moment she doesn't seem like a person I'd want to root for.
Her mysterious visitor seems to be a rather slick character from the little bit of time he had in this chapter. He also seems to have had a past with Ariel. I look forward to seeing how that goes.
Description: Now for the description. I'd say that this is where you're strongest. I really liked the first part of the chapter where you set up the scene. I could feel the cold and it just made my want to go climb under some blankets. You also describe the character movements and face movements really well. I could picture everything that was going on in a crystal clear picture. Keep this up.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Let me just say I could picture the scene of this story the entire way through - the imagery that you incorporated here is really lovely, and really adds to the dimension of the writing. I was at first a bit startled with such a turn from this calm and peaceful girl looking out of a winter window to a fierce, more angry character, but I liked it. I think this idea really speaks to this young woman's character, and really makes the reader understand that there is a deeper level of operations going on here.
I love the mystery of the ending, of the seemingly rugged personality of the man from the window.
I also appreciate all of the diction you have going on here, with good descriptor words to complicate the writing. Nice words like "sadistic" and "rapture" add interest to your story. I certainly was never bored while reading this, and I cannot wait to read the next bit!
Well done - I don't think I have any negative points to say!
Oh my, what a piece of work have we got here!! I enjoyed every single bit of it!
Seriously, the imaginary you have is unbelievable. Not many times I read things that are able to submerge me into the world like yours did. I could almost feel cold with it, and the way she acted toward that servant--like she really did hate the life out of her--was marvelous. I enjoy complicated characters, the ones who get you all twisted in your own thoughts and theories on what could probably be going through their minds, and the fact that you laid out one in such a short piece of work was awesome.
I mean, I don't really thing there's anything wrong with it. Some people can say it is rushed or that you lacked some background information, but, as for me, I like when you don't give much detail from the start. I think it makes it all a lot more interesting afterwards.
Anyway, I could probably give it a 9 out of 10.
Great job!!
Hope you have a nice day/night and keep on writing!
Sincerely, Writer1204.
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. ^.^