If only

I posted this because I need some help with where I'm going with this...but here you are!

Vision blurred. The darkness is lurking around me, pulling me deeper, and the oxygen that was left in my body leaving me by the second. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of consciousness.

What is that? I asked myself. Then it hit me.

I started pulling my hands toward it. Opening and closing my hands for something, just something to grab onto. I felt so helpless.

Hold your breath! You have to get to her! I told myself.

There was another helpless girl, eyes closed, hair flowing in the current. She wasn’t much younger than me. Her face still blurred as I tried and tried to get to her. I wanted to scream.

I have to save her! I told myself over and over again.

I could see my arms and hands moving in front of me; however, I couldn’t feel anything. As I closed my eyes tight, feeling my heart beat slower and slower, I lost control of my body and just sank.

“No!” I yelled, suddenly jolting up from the vivid dream, warm tears streaming from my eyes, one by one.

If only I had died. I thought.

The room was filled with a yellowish tint as the sun slowly arose outside, beyond the trees and lake. I then heard hurried foot steps outside my door in the hall. Bracing myself for a scared mother and father, I looked over to see the door being swung open and my beloved mom and dad came rushing in.

“What’s wrong, honey?” My mom asked me.

“Are you ok?” My dad said.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” I paused. “I think. Just dreaming.” I answered them.

“About Cassie…” The tone she used made it sound like it was a statement not a question.

“Yeah.” I went to wipe the tears from my eyes just to realize talking about her made me cry even more.

My dad moved his hand to my shoulder and rubbed it as he said, “It wasn’t your fault, sweetie. It wasn’t.”

If only I could believe him for one second. I thought then said, “Yeah, well they should have pulled her out before me…” I trailed off. A second later I finished with, “She deserves to be alive…not me.”

My mother gave me a horrified look and tears started streaming from her eyes too. “No! I’m glad you’re still here, sure it would be great to have Cassie too but we can’t change what happened. You know that.” Her tears glistened by the rising sun. “Don’t blame yourself,”

I cut her off, “But it was my fault! I could have saved her!” I slammed my fist down on my leg.

“Stop! You were helpless just like Cassie,” My dad said dragging his fingers through his black haired bed head.

“Will you please stop saying her name!?” I yelled. “Please just go back to bed, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” My mom said. She looked pale.

“Yes, please just go. I would like to be alone right now. I’ll come down when breakfast is served just please…” I said, my tone sounding mean then settling down to being calm again.

My dad awkwardly stood up, pulling his pajama pants up and then straightening his white t-shirt out. He reached out for my mother’s hand, she grabbed it and ruffled my hair as she said, “And we love you. See you later, Madison…” She faded away as she closed my door and glanced back at me to see if I was ok still.

Seconds later, I slammed back onto my red, black, and grey box designed pillow and turned over. I buried my face into it, crying, heaving, and punching the sides of the bed over and over again.

“Why?! Why did this have to happen?” My muffled yell was barely heard. “I miss you so much Cassie…come back, please?” I cried so much. The most I’ve cried like ever.

Images of her adorable little smile flashed in my mind, so vivid I felt like I could just reach and touch her. Cassie’s deep blue eyes filled my vision and then before I knew it I was picturing it all over again.

Cassie had dropped her favorite doll while she was walking on the banks of what looked like a solid frozen lake. It had dropped in just the right place to where it slid on the sheet of ice out of her reach. She was young, too young to know that it wasn’t strong enough to hold her. I remember the look on her face when she looked back at me, sad with slight determination. Confusing went across my face, I didn’t know if she was going to walk out onto the ice. Then I saw her pull her thick layered leg up and place it on the ice. I was only a few yards away when she fell through.

Her scream rang in my ears. She didn’t even know how to swim yet! Cassie Johnson was only 6 years old, she didn’t deserve to die!

I tried to get the vision out of my head but it kept going.

Her baby blue hat floated as she went under, arms flying up and down as the icy water attacked her from all angles. I was seconds away, darting as fast as I could!

If only I was faster or less far away, I could have saved her.

I dove into the water. I can’t even explain how cold it was, I went into shock when I hit the water. Cassie had moved under an ice patch just a few feet from me. Her mouth kept opening and closing, bubbles rising and being stopped by the ice above her beautiful blonde hair. I couldn’t reach her! As I kicked my feet I must have hit a rock or something, a sharp pain stroke my ankle.

If I hadn’t reacted to that I would have had more time to try and save her. Everything I did could have been a thousand times better.

Her movement slowly came to a halt. I just couldn’t give up! She was sinking. As I tried to catch her before she sank too far down, someone grabbed me out of the water. Air came reassuringly back to me. Then I screamed, “Noooo!!!” as loud as I could. Fighting against the person pulling me, I desperately tried to get back into the water and get her, my sister.

The guy finally got me out of the water and held me on the ground then said. “It’s okay, you’re safe now.”

I swung my legs and arms as hard as I could, I was so cold. The desire to save her was overwhelming. I blacked out.

I awoke at ten o’clock to the smell of blueberry pancakes. It was really bright in my room now.

My plain white dresser in the corner, my jacket in the same place I threw it the other night. My red, black, and white desk pushed against my wall with the door beside it. Paper’s lye on the desk, poorly organized. I haven’t been myself for the past two months…since Cassie died.

It was now the month of February. The same old feeling came rushing back over me, sadness. I let out a tear or two as I got around. Saturday mornings were always a treat.

The old dresser squeaked as I pulled it out of its place. It had my jeans in it. I grabbed my favorite pair of skinny black jeans. As I let out a smile of becoming more of myself again, I closed the drawer and opened another one which had my bras, pajamas, and underwear. I didn’t bother with the bra I was planning on wearing a plain t-shirt, no low cuts for me today. So I just grabbed a pair of underwear.

Then I traveled to the closet and picked out a simply designed black and purple shirt. I made my way across the room to put my clothes on my bed, and then changed.

Since I took a show last night before bed, I didn’t bother with one today. As I opened my door the smell of those pancakes got stronger and stayed in my nose until I got down to the kitchen.

“Morning.” I said as I walked under the small arch way from the living room to the kitchen.

My mom had wet hair. She looked at me from head to toe and smiled. Then she glanced over at my father who was sipping some of his French vanilla cappuccino, typical dad. He gave her a reassuring smile back. “Morning sweetie.” She said.

“Yep, good,” he stretched out the word good. “Mornin’ baby doll!”

I nodded and went to sit down at the tan table and chairs set. I warned myself not to look at Cassie’s picture on the wall just across from me. It might trigger guilt back into my system and I’ll probably cry again.

- Justis